[Stabs]

This is my first try at some actual GTS writing. You know I can draw, but I don't enjoy it as much as I wish I did.
I took so many liberties here I wish I could name them all. But I can't, and I won't. You will judge the quality yourself.





"Twenty bucks say this was a pissed off employee with a gun."
Portman, Doom.



Duke stopped fiddling with his fingers for a while. Then he looked out of the window.

"Are you sure that you're not itching to use the gameboy you brought? Your fingers tell me otherwise..." a woman's voice said, over the noise of the blades spinning through the air.

The endless expanse of blue ocean below the helicopter seemed to go on and on forever. Perhaps because it did. Duke looked up at his captain.

"I've already told you that I didn't sneak a gameboy aboard, miss." he said, with an almost military courtesy. On the inside, though, he was shivering. Referring to a woman as a superior... he didn't know if miss would cut it. Perhaps he was supposed to call her Sir, nevertheless? Sirrah? Lady? Milady? He had never really paid attention to proper greetings in academy...

Looking up to meet his captain's brown, icy eyes, Duke did his best to repress any display of emotion. Her slow reaction was sending more shivers down his spine. At any time now, she'd speak up and berate him in front of the other five soldiers in the helicopter.
But she didn't. After half a minute that seemed like an eternity, he realized that his captain wasn't interested in arguing. Not right now.
That didn't calm him as much as it could have. He HAD snuck a gameboy aboard, nevertheless...

"If I find a portable console, however, remember that I'm throwing it away immediately." the captain told him, finally.

Duke nodded.

"Yes, lad... miss." he stuttered.

And then, one of his companions spoke up.

"Permission to speak, miss." he said. Duke felt relieved that someone else had either made the same mistake or vindicated him as getting it right.

So Duke looked at Jebediah, the one who spoke. Not a codename... their mission wasn't that important. As far as he knew, they were going to do guard duty in some ass-end spot of the world. Probably Anctartica or the likes. But that wasn't specific enough, and three of them were bothered by that.

"Permission granted." the captain answered.

Jebediah nodded.

"I would know, if we have clearance, exactly what is the place we're supposed to guard."

The captain hummed for a moment.

"No, you don't have clearance. I can't tell you what that installation is." she said. "I can only tell you that I will have your heads in a pole if anyone gets in despite you."
"The same pole for all heads?" Ray asked, next to Duke. His thin head belied an able body. Able, at least in body. Because his mind wasn't anything worth looking at.

"Don't you all get uppity here." the captain finally said. "Guard this place. Two months. Then go back home, we'll find other morons to do your job. Is it that hard not to ask what this place is?" she asked.

No one answered.

"It was not a rhetorical question." she clarified.

"Oh, god, something please make the bitch shut up... something please make her shut up, something please make her shut up..." Duke thought.

The captain put her finger to her ear for a moment. Then she spoke up, making her voice clear despite the blades.

"Okay! You all get ready to get off the helicopter! And not a single complaint more. Don't ask a damn about this place, got it? Don't speak to anyone unless spoken to. And even then, don't speak! Cut your tongue off if you have to. It's all for the good of the country." she said, in a voice that skipped all the punctuation signs.

"For the US..." Duke had heard that only in movies. Well, now his life was soon to become a movie.

======

Getting off the chopper, Duke, five others, and the captain stepped on the landing pad, to the familiar feeling of solid concrete underneath. That was a relief particularly for Duke. Six hours of chopper will do wonders for some people's insides.

-Ah...- Duke sighed, trying to stand straight. He realized that three people were now looking at him... one of them being the captain.

As for what they saw...

Usually, people in the military service have short hair or a shaved head. Duke had the first, though his black hair would have been unnoticed anyway; not because his skin was black, but because he never learned how to use hair to his advantage. The captain had very short hair, and that was a pity, because she would've been a real looker otherwise. Jebediah was shaved, and Ray had short hair. The last three had all shaved heads. As is cliche for a group of soldiers, everyone was white, except for one. But he didn't look like Samuel L. Jackson either.

Someone came out of the stairs. There were stairs next to the landing pad. Those kinds of stairs that open to rooftops, with the door and everything. Two people flanked him. And unlike the ones from the chopper, these two were armed... to say the least. Their weaponry looked advanced, and deadly. Which is to be expected when half of the world's weaponry budget is only one nation's.

Though, frankly, most people couldn't tell an advanced weapon if it shot off their innards with small black holes. Actually, those weapons just looked shiny and big. And fully automatic. And were backed up by tactical armor. This individual could be thought of as important... if not for the fact that he had just walked out into the open, unlike really important people. So the impression was that he was just paranoid.

The beret he wore didn't seem to carry much meaning. His black glasses, neither. The badges on his chest, though, Duke counted them. One, two, three... err... more than three. Didn't matter how many more, or which ones... He answered to this guy now.

As the man with two guards approached the captain, after they shook hands, and compared credentials, Duke did his best to stand still and firm. He hadn't joined the army to serve the country. He wanted to be put a weapon in his hands, not just stand there and look nice. If only he could pull his gameboy from his pocket now... those two seemed to take forever... what the hell were they discussing?

Finally, the man stepped forwards to greet them. Duke looked at the guy's tanned skin. He wondered if the skin under his beret was tanned too, or if the man had a large white spot on the top of his head. The thought almost made him crack a smile.

"Greetings, men. I bid you all welcome to The Spearman, this little base of ours. Location: the middle of the ocean. Time: Day. Mission: Capture anyone who gets too close. Those are the only three things you need to remember to do a perfect job here. I'm assuming even you can do it."

Oh, burn. And everything seemed to be going so well... until the Man remembered that he was to berate people.

"I have no idea why is it you've not been stationed in Iraq. Just be sure it wasn't because you were too good to die. I just wish it were that you were too stupid to fight in a real war, but I think you all seem to have a twinkle of sentience in your eyes... try to keep it where I don't have to see it."

"...I'll give this twinkle to you at the first chance I get, whatever your name is..." Duke thought to himself.

"ANY QUESTIONS?" he finished.

Duke raised his hand.

"The schoolboy who raised his hand. What is it? What's your name?"

"My name is Duke, sir! I wanted to know how are we to refer to you, sir!"

"Sir" grimaced.

"Oh, I see. Well, that depends. When you are talking to me, I am ?sir?. When you are talking with each other, I am ?God?. Any other stupid questions, Duke?"

"No, God!" Duke said, unthinkingly. And then he realized what he had just said. "Sir! No, God, Sir! Argh...!"

"Shut that hole before I shut it and make you a new one." God said. "So we have a clown here, huh? Well, you'll be known from now on as Bozo. BOZO?"

"Sir!" Duke asked. Regretfully, he had to admit to himself that whatever God was doing, it was working.

"What happened to God?" the guy with a dozen badges asked.

"Sir! It was a mistake, sir!" Duke exclaimed. This was getting boring. And a bit annoying. Not to mention degrading. Well, at least he couldn't get degraded any lower than he was already.

"Are you calling God a mistake?"

"Sir! It was my mistake to confuse the names, sir! It won't happen again! I am very sorry, sir!" Duke tried. Though he had to admit to himself that if it were by him, that would happen really often.

But God was satisfied.

"Okay, you did choose them exactly as stupid as I want them." he smiled at the captain. "Captain Tanner, this is the exact kind of stupid I want. Webcomic worthy stupid." God asked.

Duke was only slightly offended. He had never been the brightest bulb in the box, but people usually at least had the decency to tell him on his face.

"Very well. Chitchat's over. I want your names. Except for Bozo's. And then, my assistants here will point you to your guard posts." God said. Then he pointed at the man on the left. And then to the right...

"Sir! I'm Oscar, sir!"
"Sir! I'm Robert, sir!"
"I already know Bozo..."
"Sir! I'm Jebediah, sir!"
"Sir! I'm Wally, sir!"
"... (gestures to throat) ..."

"Congratulations on finding that one, Captain." the man smiled. "Exactly the person I needed for the job. Mutie! You get a promotion, right here, right now..."

======


As soon as they were all placed in their spot, Duke looked around. This place would be his home for a month, he better got a good look at it...

Right now he was ten metres above the average sea level, looking out at the sea, with nothing but a transponder on his hand, a gun in his waist, and a small stool behind him. A really small stool. The kind of stool that makes you wonder if they meant it to be used for comfort, or if they were betting whether it would go up your arsecrack or not as soon as the two of them made contact.

Duke felt distrustful. Towards a stool.

-Standing up it is, then...- he said, with more personality this time. He started doing his job; looking through the windows in the round corner of the hallway, checking if anything was there on the horizon. He faithfully performed this duty for his country...

...for approximately twenty minutes. Then he pulled out the gameboy from the pen pocket near his heart, and turned it on.

He skipped through the intro for the Legend of Zelda. He swore this time he was going to get through the damn game. Through the damn entire game! It had been tough, but he had finally acquired every possible powerup. Now he was sure he'd get a secret ending, or, at least, get through the endgame. He loaded his savegame. And then...

...someone swiped it off his hands, opened one of the windows, and threw his gameboy away.

-Hey!- Duke protested, before he saw that it was his captain. She then kept strolling down the hallway without saying another word. Duke watched her go with a little anger brewing within him. If she knew of the trials he had to overcome to get where he was in that game... Duke thought. If only she knew...

...she'd probably have berated him too, and broke the gameboy on his skull before throwing it away. But anyway, what was the worst that could happen now?

Duke later than sooner found out. After the first three hours standing up, even that little stool looked like a viable seat. He wondered if he couldn't improvise a larger surface to sit on with his gun... then he remembered what his grandpa used to say about sitting on a pistol. So he wondered if perhaps the architecture was as shoddy as it looked, then he could perhaps steal a few tiles from here and there, use them to improvise something that he really could sit on. Hell, even sitting on a half-open window was starting to look like a good idea. Despite the sea on the other half.

-They better not be using us in some shoddy experiment about human behavior when we really want to lean our arses on something...- Duke said, out loud.- Argh!

Sooner than later, he figured this out: there was nowhere to sit on. And yes. He was going to have to look outside for a long time... a loong time...

-At least, it's only thirty days.- Duke said.- There are worse ways to make a living...

Half an hour later, Duke decided nothing would zip past the horizon and disappear if he went for a diet coke. On his way there, he remembered seeing a vending machine somewhere...

Retracing his steps for two corridors, he finally found the vending machine. It was in a T-intersection. And god, he was thirsty... mindlessly, he walked towards the vending machine, thinking that perhaps he didn't have enough change...

...though soon he'd have all the changes he could handle and more.

======

As he approached the vending machine, he discovered someone else had approached it too. And they were about the same height. And both were, for some reason, leaning forward at the same time. Some people would've called it fate. Well, most people would've called it fate. But two people knew better and called it a contusion.

Namely, those were Duke and the blonde he bumped into.

-Ow!

-Argh! Watch your step, you dumb piece of...!

Duke stepped back, alarmed slightly as he vociferated profanities. Then he looked at the person he had bumped into.

She had the most beautiful brown eyes. Work seemed to have taxed them, judging from the small dark spots under them and the red lines in her globes. Her pink, unassuming lips were curved in an expression of pain, and her forehead showed a beautiful frown, the kind that comes just before you shout a littany of blasphemies at a mere passersby. Her curves were all smooth and modest, but beautiful; the curve in her hips, the curve in her chest, the curves in her shoulders, the curve in the beating vein on her temple, and the curve of the vein that fed her sternocleidomasti... sternicledo... the yugular vein, I think. Her unpainted nails and practical hairstyle told one or two things about her and her country... namely, that the US army doesn't buy nail polish for its secret bases, and that she hadn't brought any herself. You didn't hear this from me. She also had a very sexy bruise on her forehead, in which Duke could see the shape of his own head.

-Sorry, my bad.- Duke said, a bit more calmed because of the music that was now playing for him and him alone.

-Yes, your bad.- she said.- Watch your step next time, darn it!- she screeched. He wasn't paying attention to her voice, though.

-I might.- he said, approaching the vending machine and dropping coins into the slot. -I hope I do.

She sighed.

-Sorry about snapping at you like that...

-I didn't mind...

-No, really, sorry.- she said.- My name's Brenda.

-I'm Duke. Pleased to meet you, Brenda.

-Pleased to meet you, Duke.- Brenda said.- Say, I haven't seen you here...

-No, I'm new. I just started work today... it's a frustrating, boring job, and I've been here for only one day.- Duke said.- Couldn't they just put... buoys with cameras a mile away?

-You tell me. Yes, I hate this place too.- she admitted.- Can't get a good meal, can't get anything to read, can't get any news, can't get any...- she started.- ...anyone to talk to, I mean.

-Oh, yes, I know what you mean.- Duke said, as he checked the selection.- Wait a moment. They only have diet coke in there!- he exclaimed, frowning.

-That's right.

-That's impossible...- Duke said, turning around, rather violently.- You were going towards the vending machine... why would you, if...?

-Hold it, I never said that.- Brenda answered.

-Well, then, what were you...?

-Okay, I was. It's either that, or lukewarm water.- she answered.- It's actually the first time I...

Duke pushed a button. A freezingly cool diet coke dropped into the slot.

-So, got any lukewarm water, then?- he asked, offering Brenda the cold diet coke.

======

After those fifteen minutes of life, Duke returned to his position. Though he didn't like to admit it, Brenda might yet make the trip worthwhile. That is, if he didn't know there were five others like him around the base. But Brenda didn't seem like the sort of person who would have six people compete for her attention... which wasn't a good thing either, because it would mean she'd probably turn the six of them down. He secretly hoped she didn't meet any of the others.

But well. He just stood there for eight more hours... bored to hell, but staying observant, to a reasonable degree for someone who's signed up for one thing and wound up doing another. He scratched his head, thinking why hadn't they just put security cameras and a room with them.

-Guess they have to save up somewhere to buy all these jet fighters they're never going to use...- Duke told himself. Until sundown. When he thought that someone should've come to replace him already. They wouldn't have twenty-four hour shifts; not even in times of war was that a possibility... was it? Or perhaps they really knew how futile their job was?

But well, in the dark, and left wondering what the hell was up with the shoddy administration, Duke had no better idea than to check his transponder. He was surprised when he saw that it had only one button.

"Push if you see something on the horizon."

At that point, Duke felt underestimated. Then he felt it was funny. Then he felt it was sad. Then he felt it was intriguing. Then he felt it was just... too much. He needed to talk to a superior. But at the same time, he knew what the answer would be. They weren't expecting them to be smarter than monkeys.

-They picked us because we are stupid?- he wondered out loud.- I thought he was just... those rotten...!- He scratched his scalp for a while.- Okay, let's stay calm, it's all for the good of... whatever country's waters we are in. We are still in the US, right?

As he said that out loud, he got his answer from that very question. And then he yawned.

Two hours later... he yawned again.

And then he yawned irregularly and more frequently. Finally, he started sitting down... on that stool... he didn't feel his arse anymore. All he knew were the lines in the horizon. And the lack of light was making it hellishly hard to see anything. His eyes closed... closed again...

...and the next thing he knew, there was light coming in from the windows. He had been sleeping the whole night. But what was worse was that, as he stretched out, he fell from the stool. He then realized something...

...yes, he was as stupid as they would've chosen. Something was obviously wrong, and he had just stood there all night like an imbecile, believing that they'd have made such a lax and useless schedule. It was the damn army of the US, and he had just thought they were as stupid as he was?

...but it still didn't convince him.

-Something's obviously wrong here...- he told himself, trying to drive the point to himself. It made perfect sense, now he only needed believe it despite it was his idea.

-Something is obviously wrong here, and I'm not going to stand here like an... like another idiot and let it... do whatever it was going to do.- he finally said. But even then, he didn't believe it.

-Oh, what the hell!- he finally exclaimed, turning around, and speeding through the corridors, looking for someone to ask for clarifications on some concepts...

======

Not too long afterwards, he found a small door. He knocked on it.

Someone opened the door a bit. A young man, thin, black eyes and hair, rather short, sunken eyes, long nose. Not a particularly impressive or emphasizable specimen.

-Yes, who is it?- he asked.

-I'm recruit Duke.- Duke answered.- I'm a bit concerned about our current orders...

-You are a bit concerned?- the man asked, with a half-grin.- Come in.

He opened the door the rest of the way, and stepped back. Duke saw a room full of monitors.

-What is this?- Duke asked, looking at all the cameras.

-We just got back our system.

-What system?

-The surveillance system...- the man answered.

Duke looked at the monitors. Several of them seemed to show the sea outside.

-Does this have 360 degrees coverage?- Duke asked.

-Yes, 360 degrees, with cameras every ten degrees.- the man answered.- Also several on the inside.

Duke grimaced.

-Then why was I posted on a corner, charged with looking out of the windows to check for... whose country's ships would bother us here?

-Any of them, this is a secret base.- the man answered.- We just got our system back about... eight hours ago, that's it. Programming bugs. You know, Windows XP is a bitch.- he smiled.

Duke didn't want to pin the blame on Windows XP.

-So I could've went to get some rest eight hours ago, if only someone had had the decency to tell me my job had been rendered redundant?

-That's not my fault.- the man answered, humanely, despite he was obviously something higher than a recruit.- I'm not a messenger.

-Well, we seriously need a messenger or errand boy here, then!- Duke exclaimed. Poor him...

The man looked at him.

-You're right. We need a messenger, badly... our lieutenant is an idiot.

-Really? I thought we were the newest shipment of them.- Duke grunted.

-Nevermind, recruit.- the man said.- Well, do you believe in leading by example?

-Leading by example? What do you mean?- Duke asked.

-I need (and so do you) to notify the lieutenant that now that we have our surveillance back, it would be... appropriate if he decided to recall the guards placed on the watch posts. You know, like you... this is all getting a bit useless...

Duke hadn't had dinner, or breakfast. So he felt like going up to Sir and telling him to start treating people with respect...

-I will, sir.- he told the man.

-Private Leslie. There's no need to call me Sir.- the man said.- Oh, by the way, you might need this. It's a small map...

======

It didn't take long for Duke to figure out the general layout of the building, and find his way to the lieutenant's office. He only got lost twice.

On the way to the office, though, he found the rest of his... squad, so to speak. They were in the kitchen, all having breakfast, together with Lieutenant God.

-What are you all doing here?- Duke asked, angry... and hungry.

-Duke! Where have you been?- Jebediah asked.- We were all a bit worried about you. You never showed up for dinner...

-No one told me we were having dinner!

-We didn't think we'd have to.- God said.

-I sat there all night long, with a stool that was only barely large enough not to get up my arse, watching the perimeter of this godless base for the sake of the country for god knows how long, and you didn't think you'd have to tell me we were having dinner?

-Of course, Bozo.- God said.- Do people stay awake all night long watching the horizon in moonless and cloudy nights without having dinner where you live?

This was a bit more than he could stand.

-I had just met with Private Leslie, sir.- he started.- He recommended you recalled the guards placed on the watch posts, but I see you've already done so.

-No, there was no need. They recalled themselves.- God said.

-Come on, take a seat!- Ray told Duke.- You look hungry.

-I would, but Leslie needs to know I...

-He's already seeing it, we have a camera there.- another soldier said, pointing at a camera on the corner.- Leslie's the man in the camera room, right?

-Right, recruit.- God said. He obviously found the whole situation fun.

-I see, sir.- Bozo/Duke said. Then he took a seat.

-So, corn flakes or jerky?- Jebediah asked him.

-Give me the densest jerky you have. I'm going to sleep after this.- Bozo/Duke said, scratching his head.

Jebediah stood up, and checked the pantry.

-Hmm, we don't have any more jerky, I'm afraid. We ate it all.

-I'm not going to eat corn flakes before going to sleep, I need dinner...- Duke said.- What else do we have?

-Well, we have ham-flavored cheetos, and...

-Corn flakes it is then.- Duke grunted.

-You seem cranky, recruit.- God said, with a smug smile.- Why is that?

Bozo met his superior's eyes. And then he got ready to do the sir thing.

-Sir, I seem cranky because... I am having trouble adjusting to the organization here. It seems... haphazard, sir.

-I prefer to call it humane, recruit.- God pointed.- But we're holding an immediate meeting so that you all will adjust as well as possible.

Bozo ate his corn flakes with no sugar (because it was stale), and got ready for the rest of a long day. It was obvious that he wouldn't be sleeping at all...

======

-Oh, screw God, and his disciples, and their mothers...- Duke grunted, as he approached the T-intersection where he had met with Brenda before. He got his hopes up a bit more than he should have, though... he waited with characteristic patience, and Brenda never showed up. Well, it wasn't like it was a date or anything.

But nevertheless, he decided to try something... he looked for the direction from which Brenda had came. And then he went in that direction. If he was lucky, he'd be able to meet Brenda... sometime soon...

Feeling a bit silly in his camo clothes which he hadn't had any time or spares to change, walking indoors in an Operation Desert Storm costume, just without the cool weapons, he quickly found where Brenda worked.

Right behind the red door reading "BIOHAZARD" with its characteristic icon, a cardkey reader, five metres of yellow and black stripes, which were divided between five feet of CAUTION signs, five feet of DANGER signs, five feet of WE REALLY MEAN IT signs, and a last five feet that he couldn't finish read because twenty feet mean six metres, and the last five feet finished behind the door.

He looked at the cardkey reader. And then he pulled out his credit card. No rule seemed to be meant with any discipline or indeed intent to be followed there, and he could just follow suit. So he slid his credit card down the slot reader. Immediately, the screen flashed.

"HOW MUCH OF A BRIBE DO YOU OFFER?"

He pushed the 1, and then the 5.

"FIFTEEN, EH? THANKS, BUDDY!"

He blinked. But the door didn't budge an inch.

Bribing a cardkey reader was probably the most unique thing that would ever happen to him, if you don't count the part where the reader didn't do anything afterwards.

-Well?- Duke asked the AI.- Open the door?

The door didn't open. Duke grabbed the doorknob...

...to discover it had been open all the time.

-This place is so dumb, it's scary...- Duke grimaced. Now he wasn't sure he wanted to know what lay behind the door. Some brain-eating bacteria, perhaps? And they needed stupid people as test subjects?

Of course, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and Duke could've noticed that the only idiot in the installations was him. But he was too scared, annoyed, worn out, and otherwise stupefied to even imagine that.


======


Through the door, he found... a room with a desk. And he found Brenda on the desk. That room had a glass wall that showed a much larger room, one with actual laboratory equipment. On one side of the small room, there was an airlock, marked BIOHAZARD, too. On the other side, there were two doors, marked with the shape of a guy, and the shape of a guy with a skirt.

There was a computer on the desk. But he didn't care about that.

-Brenda?- he asked.

Brenda turned around, and looked at him.

-Ah, hello. How did you get in?

-It was open.- Duke answered, pointing at the door.- Didn't keep the card reader from cheating me out of fifteen, though...

-Yes, it does that sometimes. No one knows why, but it's just not the moment to replace it.- she answered.- We're in a crucial experiment right now, and...

-Crucial experiment?- Duke asked.- Do tell me all about it, then...

-It's not much, actually.- Brenda answered.- We're just testing a synthetic virus' ability to infect different kind of cells.

-Aren't virii... defined by attacking only one specific kind of cell?- Duke asked.- Literally, only one kind of tissue, from only one species?

Brenda nodded.

-That's right, but there's no real reason why it would be so, other than because Mother Nature kept it at that.

-Isn't that a good enough reason for us to leave it at that, too?

-I don't really feel like discussing the ethics or morals behind the modification of virii, not right now.- Brenda answered.- If you don't like it, get behind the damn biohazard door.

-What for? It's open anyway!

-Close it when you go through...

-No, nevermind. Sorry about the criticism.- Duke said.- Just trying to make small talk, you know.

She looked at him, and smiled.

-Sorry about that. This place is a bit maddening.

-You tell me. I've only been a dozen hours here and...

-Twelve hours.- Brenda interrupted.

-What?

-You said "a dozen hours". It's the first time I've ever heard that.- she said, with a strange gaze.- So where are you from?

-Alabama.- Duke said.- Didn't get out much, yeah, but I did learn to pay attention in school.

-Really?- Brenda asked. The two of them were smiling already.- And... how did you end up in the army?

-Very quickly, actually. I went to military school.- he answered.- And you?

-No, I went to public school, I'm from Florida. The level isn't high, but once in a while, you will find a teacher who really likes to teach science.

-What do you mean by that?

-What you heard, what were you thinking?- Brenda asked, raising her eyebrows for a moment.- You know, public school doesn't have a high level, but each of us can decide our own levels.

-Really? How?- Duke asked, pretending to be interested.

-It's actually very easy. You just have to set your own standards. My grades at school weren't high, but I was smarter than anyone else in my class.- she smiled.- I was just studying something different.

"Okay, she loves herself, I like that..." Duke thought to himself. Then he nodded.

-And you?

-No, not me.- he answered.- Anything more on that vein?

-There was this guy, he was in a different class... I never really met him, but his father was always bragging in meetings that his kid already was on a level good enough to pass university exams in physics. You know what the secret was? His father was the guy who taught chemistry to both this kid AND the people at university; the kid had been prepped from the age of seven. So obviously he'd be able to pass college as a twelve-year old. He was studying something different, too. I know he didn't make it to university; he quit school at the age of seventeen to become a rocker.

-My god, that's so ironic!- Duke laughed.- At least, was he good at it?

-No, that part I dunno. And you?

-No, I didn't quit school to become a rocker.

-No, I meant... anything interesting to tell, Duke?

-Nothing I can think of.- he smiled.- I'm pretty much one-dimensional: what you see is what I am.

-Nothing at all? Nothing to tell me about your parents, relatives, job...?

-Nothing, I mean... are you really sure you want to talk about my parents, relatives, and job?

-Well, what else would we talk about?

-Are you sure that what you want is to talk?- Duke asked, relaxing his eyes... for lack of a better way to describe his face. The kind of face that Di Caprio makes sometimes in ads, the face that starts looking a bit silly if you look at it for too long. Then again, silliness and seduction might be related. God knows I hope they are... knows I wish they were. We all know no one's turned on by clowns. Well, no one we'd want to be near. Then again, a guy in a clown costume could overcome the handicap if he really had the attitude.

Anyway, this is a story about impossibilities. It's impossible an army contains anyone that incompetent or that insubordinate, it's impossible for a keycard reader to act like an ATM (a corrupt ATM, too), it's impossible for a guy called Duke to pick up a chick unless she's a furry who's into dogs, it's impossible that something like "are you sure that what you want is to talk?" works as an effective pickup line, it's impossible for me to post this and get away with it. But what the hell.

She met his eyes, her smile disappeared.

-Well, you're direct.- she said.- I can respect that.

-Respect is not what I'm after.

-Yes, I know...- Brenda nodded.- I'm thinking about it right now.

-Thinking?- Duke asked, raising an eyebrow.- Why?

-You have a point there. A monosyllable, but you have a point.- she nodded.- Did you bring condoms?

-Why would I have brought condoms? I was here for guard duty!- Duke protested.

-Well, you were here for one thing, you intended to do another... now it looks like we're doing neither because preservatives were excess weight or something.- she huffed.- Now let me get back to work already, okay?- she said, turning to the monitor.

-Hey, don't be like that!- Duke said, leaning towards her ear.

-Don't be what? Unwilling to make your babies?- she grunted, tilting her head away.- I was looking forward to it too!

-Well, then why didn't you bring condoms yourself?

-Do you REALLY want to get into that now?- she asked.- Be a jerk, okay! Be my guest!

-Oh, come on.- Duke said, leaning away.- There must be something we can do.

The speaker emitted a beep.

-Not right now.- she said.- I've got work.- she took a pair of glasses, put them on, and then looked at the keyboard, leaning in.

-You need glasses for reading?

-You didn't want to talk, didn't you? Wait, this looks promising.

-Promising? Did a virus finally agree to expand business?- Duke asked, with a mocking smile.

-Yes.- she said, turning the monitor a bit towards Duke, and then pointing at two dots in a sea of cells each, two different kinds of cells in two different windows.- You see those two cells with different shapes?

-That one looks very small...

-Because it's almost out of focus. But they've both got this blue spot in them, you see?- she pointed at two small spots, one of which Duke frankly didn't identify as a spot... or identify at all.- That one is a fat cell. That other one out of focus is a bone marrow cell.

-Hm.- Duke nodded.- So they've both got blue dots... what happens now?

-Now, we have to see if those blue dots did manage to do anything to the nucleii. For that I'd have to check the DNA. Just allow me to check this program...- she turned the screen back to herself, and then slid the mouse to another icon on the desktop. She double-clicked... and waited.

-Does it always take this long?- Duke asked.

-Usually, yes.- she answered.- I've got to defrag this drive next chance I get. And erase all my Valentino and Legolas porn.

Duke grinned.

-What?- Brenda asked.- They are hot, you have to admit that!

-No, it's not that. I think your computer just froze.

-You don't say!?- she protested, looking at a light behind the window. There was a red light in a small CPU which was on, not flickering... she shook the optic mouse a bit. The cursor didn't move.

-It froze!?- she protested. Then she held down Alt, Control, and used her right index as a scourge for the Del key, once and again, and again, and again...

-Well, that's what you get for using Windows Vista.- Duke said, grinning.

-What the hell do you know about what we're using?- Brenda frowned, visibly angry.

-Your computer doesn't look like a Macintosh and those windows don't look like Linux.- Duke said, with the same smug eyes.

Brenda looked at him. Hate was now visible in her eyes.

-They didn't teach you how to be at least a bit sensitive?

-Sorry, I didn't know Microsoft was such a touchy topic.- Duke said.- I usually get slapped for being more open about civil warranties or religious freedom than about Windows.

-So you're sarcastic, now, too?- she asked.- I'll have to reset it manually... wait here. DON'T come after me. I'm okay.- she said, walking towards the airlock.

-Isn't there anyone who can do that for you?- he asked, as she went there... and then, when he saw her on the other side of the glass...- Shouldn't you have put on a containment suit?

-Hmm. No need to bother anyone. This happens all the time...- she pushed the button on the CPU to reset the computer. Meanwhile, allow me another impossibility...

======

At a different scale, in a million to one at least, YTR-3268 looked around, bored. YTR-2234, behind, recited something.

-In this secret laboratory, scientists have managed to both create and isolate the vicious YTR virus. However, the experts maintain that once isolated, the virus will die... of boredom.- 2234 said.

-Nothing ever happens around here.- 3268 said.- You know, for once, I'd like to do something else than infect marrow or fat cells.

-Totally.- 2234 agreed.- You know what I'd really like? Some stem cells. I'd stir up some nasty shit with that.

-Hey, stem cell experimentation is against the Creator's will.- 3268 said.- Just kidding. Gosh, I'm bored...

The two of them watched the blonde approach the computer. Only ten centimetres away from them...

-You know, 2234, I wonder just how many tissues the average LIVING self-sufficient specimen has.- 3268 said.

-Look, the computer froze again. That's what she gets for using Windows Vista.- 2234 judged.

-Yeah. But if she was using Macintosh, then what would we be doing here?- 3268 asked.

-You're right. God bless Bill Gates and his evil empire.- 2234 nodded.

The two of them once more looked at Brenda. She was covered with white, but some parts showed keratinous activity. And some others showed... a melanine-pigmented surface composed of irregularly-shaped cells. Then again, they once in a while got to see a blood vessel... sweet blood vessel... or a transparent, gelatinous substance. She even showed them some cleavage, but they couldn't appreciate it.

-I'd do all her tissues...- 3268 said.- Me and my billion children.

-It's so frustrating.- 2234 said.- You know, I'd love to make her a baby doll... with drool. But we're stuck here in the surface of this agar. And all we've got here is marrow and fat. Just for once, I'd like for something to happen. Something really big. I'd like to do something more. I know I could.

-Well, unless she decides she wants to have some jelly with us in it, I doubt we're going anywhere.

2234 got on its sheath.

-Almighty God, if you're there, give me a sign that you love me. It's an order!

3268 shook its cromosomes.

-Okay, that's something new.

-Boy, I was so close. And I could've gotten there. If only that chick had packed some condoms...

-At-choo!

At low speeds, a fluid maintains a laminar regime. But most of the time, a fluid (liquid or gas) is turbulent. And within a turbulent fluid, it's hard to say anything. Except that you don't want it.

But 2234, 3268, and the other 50.000 copies of YTR wanted a turbulent fluid. Seven hundreds of them were carried away by an unlikely disturbance in the air.

-Whoohoo!

-Yee-haw! Ride the wind!

-What the hell just happened? This is a clean room!- Brenda protested.

-Not anymore, baby!- 2234 said.- We're free!

Unfortunately, they were only a few centimetres closer to that sapiens sapiens. They landed on the table right next to the computer, where her hand approached...

-Look at that!- 2234 said.- I did it!

-I can't believe it, God really loves...!- 3268 exclaimed.

Her finger stopped a centimeter short of them.

-Loves you not.- 3268 said.

Then she clicked her fingernail against them, leaving them stuck in the keratine.

-Loves me do...- 2234 said.

Nothing more. Just keratine.

-Loves you not.

She ran her hand closer to her mouth...

-Loves me do...

She lowered her hand

-Loves you not.

Then she walked out of the clean room, and approached Duke. She leaned forward...

-Loves me do...

...kissed his forehead, and slid her other hand's nail on his lip, as he said something they didn't quite get.

-What do we REALLY know about religion, anyway?- 3268 asked.

-Come on, you big-ass slut! Suck on your finger for a while, will ya? Guys love that! You've had college education, you can do this! Even if you're a blonde!

-I really don't think you should...

-Oh come on, you idiot! Suck on your finger! While he leaves! Because you're really lusty and we all know it!- 2234 shouted, as he saw Duke leave.

She brought her hand closer to her mouth.

-That's it, that's it, come to daddy...

She spread her fingers.

-Yes, yes, yes!

She... put her pinky between her lips.

-No! NO! WRONG FINGER!- 2234 exclaimed.- VERY WRONG! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU TO HELL!

-Look, 2234, stop before you...

-I should probably wash my hands.- Brenda said.

-NO!

-With water and soap.

-NOOOOO!

-With water, soap, and a little alcohol.

-NOOOOOOOOOO!

-Twice.

-NOOOO! NOOOO! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU TO HELL, BITCH! DAMN YOU, DAMN YOU ALL! NOOOO!

-Well, 2234, it was nice knowing you... those last forty minutes. If reincarnation exists, then I'm sure we will both have our seats in the Senate.

-No! I don't want to be in the senate!- 2234 complained.- I'd have to... work!

-Don't give up, not just yet.- 3268 grunted.- There might be a way around this.

-She's gonna wash her hands! We're going down the drain! We're going to end up in the sea! It's salt water with protozooans! You know I don't do protozooans! And it's too cold! And then I'll become a politician because of the life I've led!

-Oh shut up.- 3268 shouted.

By the time they ended that conversation, Brenda had already washed her hands. Twice. But her fingernails weren't washed. Common mistake.

======

Only seventy minutes later, 2234 and 3268 had already gotten into her system.

-Oh boy, this is so cool!- 2234 expressed.- She didn't have to change her tampon today, but she did! And now look at this place! Only an hour and we're already in the womb! I like this system! What did you say they called it?

-Reproductive system?

-No, not that! I mean the system by which we got from an absorbent medium like a tampon to the inside using only liquids! It should've been the other way around!

-It's active transport through ionic concentration. I had to infect only a few cells, get them to release too many ions we could stick to, and here we are!

-Great! What did you say this species is called?

-Homo sapiens sapiens.

-Homo sapiens twice? Cool! Is it like the pig or labrat?

-Well... they're all mammals. But it's not like the Sus or the Mus.

-Yeah, homo has two syllables.

-You know what, I don't care. I came here for one thing, and by God I'm doing it. Help me find some ova?

-Yes. Hear this out: we find ova, we trade (or rather, we say we trade. Actually we take) some genetic material, mutate some, then we get in the bloodstream. With that structure under our power, we'll be able to target the entire damn body! Isn't that a perfect plan?

-... you must be crazier than I thought.

-Oh come on, we gotta die of something. Look, once we can, I'll take the bones. Any new cells you'd like to infect?

-Oh, yes! Just one question, though. We gotta do something new, something special! I don't want to just turn her insides blue, no one would notice.

-If her pussy turned blue, I think she'd notice.

======

About by that time, Brenda was back to work... checking, together with three colleagues, that the clean room had stayed clean. Nothing had really broke, and her sneeze had only affected exposed material. Some samples were thrown into the incinerator, but the rest just got thoroughly cleaned. And she got a paycut for that month...

...when she heard something rumbling at the height of her waist.

======

-OH my god.

-Whoops, sorry.

-OH MY GOD!

-Hey, I said I was sorry!

-You aren't sorry enough! Do you know what this is?- 3268 exclaimed, pointing at the blood that emanated from the vessel.- This means hurry. If she doesn't notice she's bleeding into her womb, this probably isn't be your fault.

-Then let's hope...

-If she doesn't notice she's DEAD because she just got shot while you burst that vessel, moron! Now let's go. Wherever we want to be isn't there...

======

It wasn't long until it was her lunch hour. She sat down in the kitchen, and helped herself to a BLT sandwich.

-Where'd you get that?- Duke asked, as he entered.

She looked at Duke. Now he interrupted her lunch, too?

-Don't you have work to do?- she asked, taking a bite.- 'm tryng tuh heff loonch.

-I was going to have lunch, too.- Duke said.- I didn't know there was bread, or lettuce, or tomato.

He checked the cupboards.

-Hey, they refilled. I'll make some fried rice. Do you want any?

-No.- she said.- I don't like fried stuff. Or rice.

-Oh.- Duke said.- How about...

-"I'll make lunch" is not a pickup line.- Brenda interrupted.

-I'm not trying to pick you up. I just wanted to apologize. I was a bit moody, I... thought I saw something, a chance, I overreacted. I'm sorry!

-Not the time. I'm eating.- she said.

-As you say.- Duke sighed. Then he turned on the stove, put there a pan, added oil, heated it slowly to make sure it didn't jump off.


She was halfway across her sandwich when she looked at him.

-So you want to talk?- she asked.

-We were recommended not to.

-None here actually pays any attention to it. We were supposed not to get distracted, but frankly, you help me concentrate.

-Really?- Duke asked, looking back.

-Yes. You make the alternative clear.

Duke scratched his head.

-Less than a day have I met you, and already you're saying stuff like that. I must've really grown on you.

-Like a mushroom.- she smiled.- I don't hate you, don't take this the wrong way.

-You don't hate your friends, I know.- Duke said.

-Who says we're friends?- she asked.

-It's what you were about to say, right? Let's just be friends?- Duke asked.

-I wasn't going to say that.- she said, tilting her head.- I was just going to ask you to do something. If you're not going to do this for me, do it for yourself.

-I'm intrigued.- Duke said.

Brenda smiled.

-Don't you ever get near the lab again. Got it? Leave me to work.

-Okay, sorry I bothered you. It won't happen again.- Duke said, sighing.- I'm really looking forward to sleeping tonight.

-Did you pick someone up in this little time?

-No, it's not that.- he said.- It's just I'm really, really tired. I can't wait for you to see me rested. I'm a completely different person.

-Completely.- she said.- I though you were rested right now.

-No, I'm not.- Duke said.- I'm just making an horrible effort to try and be polite. And to avoid crumbling to the ground like a sack of potatoes.

-Sir, that's very military, sir.- she smiled.

-Thank you.- he answered.

======

That night, while she slept, the virii silently attacked her intestine (and ran), the marrow (and ran), and several other organs (from which they escaped). But even then, all they did was turning them blue. Also that night, our dynamic duo left through her lungs... and filtered themselves in the vents.

On the other hand, Duke had a perfectly wholesome and restful night's sleep.

Now the unmitigated, desired chaos finally starts...

======


"God" was poring through his files, checking the information on those new recruits. He smiled as he checked Duke... a perfectly average, perfectly expendable person. So was Jebediah. And that guy who hadn't said a word... could have said a word. Well, he fooled him pretty nicely. There'd be plenty of time for revenge. Oscar and Robert... he couldn't finish with them. He heard something on the vent.

Something on the vent heard him, too. Though at the time it was an unintelligent arthropod.

======

-Look!- 2234 said.- Look at this!

-Look at what?- 3268 asked.- That spider?

-Yeah! Let's infect it.

The YTR virus got into the spider... easily, since it was an arthropod and breathed with its entire body.

-Sweet.- 3268 said.- Hey, we never really got any chance to infect that chick...

-I left some guys there, though. They'll make her insides blue in no time.

-Unless they end up dynamiting her, like SOMEONE did.

-If you think your replications are better than mine, then you could replicate a bit more!

-No, it's not that. I was just thinking... paradox of fate! We just got all her ova desoxirribo... derribo... oxiribo... ribbon... all her info and we can't do a damn thing with it.

-Can't? Or shouldn't?- 2234 said.

-No, frankly, neither. But I don't know what could we do.

-Well, isn't it obvious? Let's mutate this spider a bit. Rock the boat. Shake the bird.

-Mutate the spider, yes. Let us start.

Unaware of the changes about to be undergone, the spider went about its business, enveloping a small fly with webbing. When suddenly it stopped.

-Hey, but where would the extra material come from?- 2234 thought.

-From outside, duh.- 3268 replied.

And then the spider dropped from its web, very still. The fly took the chance to escape the web... and succeeded, actually.

Not too ceremoniously, the spider started swelling. And swelling. And turning from black to brown. Before it knew it (before it knew anything), it was so darn big it filled the section of the vent... but then it stopped again.

-Hey, but air doesn't spontaneously turn into flesh. There must be energy involved for nitrogen to turn to aminoacids from its highly stable diatomic state.

-That's what the oxygen is here for. Oxygen and carbon reaction.

The spider's hairy cephalotorax grew hairier. And hairier. It reshaped. A nose appeared. The eyes flowed from the top, to the front, to the bottom... and then they stopped.

-But the oxygen and carbon reaction is exothermal, and requires a constant intake of carbon...

-There's enough carbon dioxide in the atmosphere.

The thorax of the spider lengthened. The many legs flowed to the back of its body... and then curled, ignoring their own exoskeleton. Two protoplasmic prolongations emerged from the sides. But before they took shape, they stopped.

-However, carbon dioxide is a very stable mollecule, and requires an intake of energy for carbon to be reutilizable...

-We get that energy from burning carbon.

The protoplasm darkened, until it was as black and brown as the rest of the spider. Then it took shape, fagocitating its outer layer, replacing it by a fully brown surface. The tips of the prolongations split into many, the exoskeleton showing from the tip of each. The shape of the arms was now defined. The abdomen stirred into action... but stopped.

-But according to the first law of thermodynamics the maximum effectivity of an energy transf...

-Shut up and finish this, will you?

-Okay, geez. Just trying to make small talk.