[Reif]

To Apsm: The structure of that particular sentence was intentional with the repeating noun and esclatating verb usage intended to convey a sequence of building events. The grammatical structure of your version flows better, but in this case I was trying to work in some subtle thematic flavoring. Theres a few places I went with that approach through the story, and probably a unintended ones as well. My writing style tends to focus on long, complex sentence structures which means that If my splicing is off, especially where I've been editing, I can wind up with some pretty strange results. Thanks for checking though, the constant problem with editing your own work is that you know what a phrase or sentence is supposed to mean which is problematic if a phrase would be unclear to someone else.

To Frice: I've considered that, BUT the problem is that my writing methodology tends to revolve around a few key concepts or set pieces and then I work to string them together. The result is I often come up with new ideas or ways to refine a connection within the story as I'm writing it. Most of my stories get reedited several times before I publish them. Unfortunately breaking a larger story up into smaller pieces means that once those earlier chapters are published my options to edit them decrease. For example the donut bit you like so much evolved in a rather late editing pass. After deciding I liked that idea alot I wrote references into earlier chapters of the story to support it.

To Apsm #2(from comments on TF-Media):

The inconsistency on the color change was actually a casualty of me changing my plan in mid stride. Originally I was going to have the Michelle persona take over long enough to wonder why she was covered in brown and then take a shower. The color would have come off then. That's also when I was planning to do a more through facial change. Unfortunately the story was pushing past the 20 page mark at that point and my "short" exercise was becoming anything but. That's also when I started sinking my teeth into the coffee metaphor, the end result was the inconsistency. IF theres enough demand I may rewrite that section in the future to accomodate the original plan.