The Process Forum - View Single Post - The Succubus' Vows

frice2000 · 07-05-2010

First off let me say READ THIS GUYS STORIES PEOPLE AND LEAVE HIM A REVIEW THE AMOUNT OF TIME OBVIOUSLY DEDICATED HERE IS STAGGERING. Yes the stories are long but the quality of them and the writing is worth your time.

Ahem...with that out of the way: W...o...w...That was professional grade writing. Of course you have the parts that make this work a fit for this forum but in the end that was a professional grade story right there. Amazingly done. Amazingly written. The thing that so elevates your work here above anything I've seen in this particular 'fetish' genre and which is better then most professional authors I read is your characters. It amazes me that you took the time and thought of the back stories for even some of your really peripheral characters. The time you spent doing that has to have been staggering. I think all of us on this forum and wherever else you share this with really need to thank you for obviously dedicating so much time to this story. AMAZING really can't get over the amount of character development and the amount of work and time that was invested.

In regards to the transformations itself exquisite work and you fit them in really well. It's just that after I convert them to one of my e-readers and they suddenly pop up I'm like, 'Strange to see this in the middle of this no...oh wait yeah this isn't a professional novel I downloaded this off the process forums whoops'. So I don't think they were really 'necessary' to this story and some of them slowed the story down a little in places when I was really salivating to get back to the meat of the story so I glossed over some of them (though I will read them later in far more detail my Kindle's got 'em all bookmarked). The quality of the process scenes though blows away anything I've ever read in any story. The thought put into them really shines through it's amazing.

Back to the characters a second from where this started and how they evolved out from here and in the little universe you've created is quite impressive. Everyone has changed, everyone has come out developed. I can't really get over that in my mind. I don't usually see that in novels anymore as most of the ones I read are series and they usually go back to the status-quo with maybe one or two characters evolved. Not you. No, you have your characters each undergo challenges which they succeed or fail at thus resulting in their character development. Amazed me at pretty much everyone had one of those moments and you fit them together into the narrative with such ease and without it bogging down the story at all. Don't quite know how you manage that. Also not quite sure how you make all your characters quite likable. There was no annoying little character that I grimaced when they made an appearance. Instead every single one of them fit in wonderfully and I found something to like about everybody even the evil mind=fucked folks.

Anyway going to start going into some mild criticisms now and this will contain SPOILERS SO STOP READING IF YOU DON'T WANNA SEE THEM people who haven't read this yet. The first thing that sticks out in my head is why didn't Scott change from the onrushing female succubi changey energy. I know the explanation for it previously was that it was his energy re-processed but that wasn't the case there so I'm not quite clear on why he didn't temporarily go succubus thrall could've been neat to see his female form for a second or two heh. Second mildish plot point I had a bit of an issue with is that the succubi seemed to be incredibly short-sighted there. I mean if they change everyone on Earth what exactly will they be eating? Not the best plan in the world heh. Still Mahelet didn't seem one to think things out too carefully so I can let that pass.

The first bit of the story was a tad difficult to read. The delayed time perspective could have been a tad clearer. It cleared up about 15 or so pages in but those first 15 confused me a little. Needed a bit more anchoring with maybe some flashbacks to make it fit better and a better transition when going back in time. After that was done though this problem really cleared up and the perspective changes were fantastic and flowed wonderfully.

You had some mild spelling and grammar issues but really I think on that front you were on the level with some quickly produced novels I've read recently. I just have a good eye for spotting certain word choices and my grammar isn't that good to begin with so I'm not a great judge of problems there. Most of the spelling issues were in regards to when you should have used the contraction 'they're' rather then there or their but that was the only repeated error I saw so you may want to watch out for that in your future writing endeavors.

Wow, you created a LOT of new witches/warlocks there. This gives you a really endless parade of characters to follow and things to do with them. It felt a little tagged on though but considering how long it took you to write this and how vivid it all was I will let it pass as this not being a professionally produced story. However, since I really think your end goal should be getting published sometime ending your book with that many hanging threads and quickly whipped together plot point was a bit awkward. I was wondering how it was going to be handled they could've used a bit of an epilogue to clear them up.

Now, under somethings I would've done differently or changed a bit...I would've had the Devil been around tempting her at the end before the halo jump there. Maybe God as another test has him involved. The Devil promising if she becomes a full succubus in his service that he'll give him all the power he needs to defeat Mahelet as he really doesn't like the idea of an angel around (which she doesn't know yet) and also he doesn't like Mahelet's methods of winning the 'game' as it were preferring humans to screw themselves over more then this unwilling unresistable taint. He'd also promise him that Scott would be with her for eternity. Zach would see through that scheme but it'd be interesting to see it offered. I would give him some comments about it not having enough 'style' or some such. Maybe parallels to the whole Tree of Knowledge biblical references with him wanting humans to choose his side not being forced. Alternatively humorously I could have him say this takeover would result in WAYYY too much paperwork for him and he wants it to fail, but still end up with a really strong agent for him in the future. Of course what you wrote works and works well but I thought the Devil appearing in a bit more of a solid fashion then the dark shadow (well I assume that was the Devil it could've just been God's dark aspect which is I guess the same sort of thing in your context).

I liked your look at God by the way was fun. The only thing I would've changed was Zachary simply saying, "Hi God." when he first saw him since it was pretty damn obvious who he was right off and it would have quite a bit of the snarkiness that a RPG player would have in that situation I thought. Then God being taken aback at being discovered that easily for a second or two would've added a bit more personality there. In reference to god was slightly surprised Gabriel, Michael, Uriel, or Raphael didn't make an appearance even briefly. Bit of arch-angel seemed appropriate. Can see why you didn't do it though. On a mildly related note was a very nice job on the angels with what little we saw. The only other interpretation of them that I've seen recently that I liked as much as this one was Haunted and Angelic by Kelley Armstrong.

One more thing in your epic end fight at the end you had all these anime otaku's but no Samus Aran? Come on cosplayer being a succubus through the armor...Aww. Also a bit of mild joking criticism follows. An angel? :-(. No Zoe as a proper succubus even temporarily? I wanted to see that would've been great! Oh well it didn't fit into how you framed the succubus though I can see that as once a mortal fell into being a complete demon there wasn't really redemption possible. Still would've been interested in seeing that oh well. The gaining the halo bit was very nicely written but I'd be lying if I didn't want to see a more 'evil' succubus on succubus fight for a bit there.

Thanks very much for that cameo thing you did based on what you asked for me to provide for you. That kind of made me blush a bit and gave me a bit of a weird feeling reading it but it was very fun to sort of see my 'fantasy' there. The succubus you conjured from that was some very very nice imagery which will be with me a long time. There really isn't enough red-headed women of Irish descent in these stories and its such a fabulous image to see someone going to I'm surprised it's so rare. You did a beautiful job with it.

I really can't think of anything much more to say. I might post here a few more times as some more random thoughts come to me. I'm going to send you a PM with a couple specific question things and a more specific thanks. Let me close off by saying again WOW this was utterly fantastic work. You keep setting a higher bar and surpassing it over and over. You have a ton of talent. Please write up a manuscript without the peculiarities this forum uses and submit it to publishing houses. You have the talent you really could and should make a living doing this. You obviously enjoy doing it as you've done it for free here and I really think your imagination could spin something nice. There's a ton of urban fantasy about which is close to the kind of material you've already generated and your vision could be pretty unique in that field you should give it a go. Really go for it. Thanks again for the belated umm...Fourth of July gift? Cue the succubus army firing fireworks wearing Red, White and Blue! Yay! I really appreciate it for one and I'm sure others feel the same. Thanks for your time and obviously massive amount of work. This was great.

07-05-2010	#3
frice2000 "My way of thanking you" Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 401	Re: The Succubus' Vows - Part 3 of The Succubus Bride Trilogy First off let me say READ THIS GUYS STORIES PEOPLE AND LEAVE HIM A REVIEW THE AMOUNT OF TIME OBVIOUSLY DEDICATED HERE IS STAGGERING. Yes the stories are long but the quality of them and the writing is worth your time. Ahem...with that out of the way: W...o...w...That was professional grade writing. Of course you have the parts that make this work a fit for this forum but in the end that was a professional grade story right there. Amazingly done. Amazingly written. The thing that so elevates your work here above anything I've seen in this particular 'fetish' genre and which is better then most professional authors I read is your characters. It amazes me that you took the time and thought of the back stories for even some of your really peripheral characters. The time you spent doing that has to have been staggering. I think all of us on this forum and wherever else you share this with really need to thank you for obviously dedicating so much time to this story. AMAZING really can't get over the amount of character development and the amount of work and time that was invested. In regards to the transformations itself exquisite work and you fit them in really well. It's just that after I convert them to one of my e-readers and they suddenly pop up I'm like, 'Strange to see this in the middle of this no...oh wait yeah this isn't a professional novel I downloaded this off the process forums whoops'. So I don't think they were really 'necessary' to this story and some of them slowed the story down a little in places when I was really salivating to get back to the meat of the story so I glossed over some of them (though I will read them later in far more detail my Kindle's got 'em all bookmarked). The quality of the process scenes though blows away anything I've ever read in any story. The thought put into them really shines through it's amazing. Back to the characters a second from where this started and how they evolved out from here and in the little universe you've created is quite impressive. Everyone has changed, everyone has come out developed. I can't really get over that in my mind. I don't usually see that in novels anymore as most of the ones I read are series and they usually go back to the status-quo with maybe one or two characters evolved. Not you. No, you have your characters each undergo challenges which they succeed or fail at thus resulting in their character development. Amazed me at pretty much everyone had one of those moments and you fit them together into the narrative with such ease and without it bogging down the story at all. Don't quite know how you manage that. Also not quite sure how you make all your characters quite likable. There was no annoying little character that I grimaced when they made an appearance. Instead every single one of them fit in wonderfully and I found something to like about everybody even the evil mind=fucked folks. Anyway going to start going into some mild criticisms now and this will contain SPOILERS SO STOP READING IF YOU DON'T WANNA SEE THEM people who haven't read this yet. The first thing that sticks out in my head is why didn't Scott change from the onrushing female succubi changey energy. I know the explanation for it previously was that it was his energy re-processed but that wasn't the case there so I'm not quite clear on why he didn't temporarily go succubus thrall could've been neat to see his female form for a second or two heh. Second mildish plot point I had a bit of an issue with is that the succubi seemed to be incredibly short-sighted there. I mean if they change everyone on Earth what exactly will they be eating? Not the best plan in the world heh. Still Mahelet didn't seem one to think things out too carefully so I can let that pass. The first bit of the story was a tad difficult to read. The delayed time perspective could have been a tad clearer. It cleared up about 15 or so pages in but those first 15 confused me a little. Needed a bit more anchoring with maybe some flashbacks to make it fit better and a better transition when going back in time. After that was done though this problem really cleared up and the perspective changes were fantastic and flowed wonderfully. You had some mild spelling and grammar issues but really I think on that front you were on the level with some quickly produced novels I've read recently. I just have a good eye for spotting certain word choices and my grammar isn't that good to begin with so I'm not a great judge of problems there. Most of the spelling issues were in regards to when you should have used the contraction 'they're' rather then there or their but that was the only repeated error I saw so you may want to watch out for that in your future writing endeavors. Wow, you created a LOT of new witches/warlocks there. This gives you a really endless parade of characters to follow and things to do with them. It felt a little tagged on though but considering how long it took you to write this and how vivid it all was I will let it pass as this not being a professionally produced story. However, since I really think your end goal should be getting published sometime ending your book with that many hanging threads and quickly whipped together plot point was a bit awkward. I was wondering how it was going to be handled they could've used a bit of an epilogue to clear them up. Now, under somethings I would've done differently or changed a bit...I would've had the Devil been around tempting her at the end before the halo jump there. Maybe God as another test has him involved. The Devil promising if she becomes a full succubus in his service that he'll give him all the power he needs to defeat Mahelet as he really doesn't like the idea of an angel around (which she doesn't know yet) and also he doesn't like Mahelet's methods of winning the 'game' as it were preferring humans to screw themselves over more then this unwilling unresistable taint. He'd also promise him that Scott would be with her for eternity. Zach would see through that scheme but it'd be interesting to see it offered. I would give him some comments about it not having enough 'style' or some such. Maybe parallels to the whole Tree of Knowledge biblical references with him wanting humans to choose his side not being forced. Alternatively humorously I could have him say this takeover would result in WAYYY too much paperwork for him and he wants it to fail, but still end up with a really strong agent for him in the future. Of course what you wrote works and works well but I thought the Devil appearing in a bit more of a solid fashion then the dark shadow (well I assume that was the Devil it could've just been God's dark aspect which is I guess the same sort of thing in your context). I liked your look at God by the way was fun. The only thing I would've changed was Zachary simply saying, "Hi God." when he first saw him since it was pretty damn obvious who he was right off and it would have quite a bit of the snarkiness that a RPG player would have in that situation I thought. Then God being taken aback at being discovered that easily for a second or two would've added a bit more personality there. In reference to god was slightly surprised Gabriel, Michael, Uriel, or Raphael didn't make an appearance even briefly. Bit of arch-angel seemed appropriate. Can see why you didn't do it though. On a mildly related note was a very nice job on the angels with what little we saw. The only other interpretation of them that I've seen recently that I liked as much as this one was Haunted and Angelic by Kelley Armstrong. One more thing in your epic end fight at the end you had all these anime otaku's but no Samus Aran? Come on cosplayer being a succubus through the armor...Aww. Also a bit of mild joking criticism follows. An angel? :-(. No Zoe as a proper succubus even temporarily? I wanted to see that would've been great! Oh well it didn't fit into how you framed the succubus though I can see that as once a mortal fell into being a complete demon there wasn't really redemption possible. Still would've been interested in seeing that oh well. The gaining the halo bit was very nicely written but I'd be lying if I didn't want to see a more 'evil' succubus on succubus fight for a bit there. Thanks very much for that cameo thing you did based on what you asked for me to provide for you. That kind of made me blush a bit and gave me a bit of a weird feeling reading it but it was very fun to sort of see my 'fantasy' there. The succubus you conjured from that was some very very nice imagery which will be with me a long time. There really isn't enough red-headed women of Irish descent in these stories and its such a fabulous image to see someone going to I'm surprised it's so rare. You did a beautiful job with it. I really can't think of anything much more to say. I might post here a few more times as some more random thoughts come to me. I'm going to send you a PM with a couple specific question things and a more specific thanks. Let me close off by saying again WOW this was utterly fantastic work. You keep setting a higher bar and surpassing it over and over. You have a ton of talent. Please write up a manuscript without the peculiarities this forum uses and submit it to publishing houses. You have the talent you really could and should make a living doing this. You obviously enjoy doing it as you've done it for free here and I really think your imagination could spin something nice. There's a ton of urban fantasy about which is close to the kind of material you've already generated and your vision could be pretty unique in that field you should give it a go. Really go for it. Thanks again for the belated umm...Fourth of July gift? Cue the succubus army firing fireworks wearing Red, White and Blue! Yay! I really appreciate it for one and I'm sure others feel the same. Thanks for your time and obviously massive amount of work. This was great. Last edited by frice2000; 07-05-2010 at 06:30 PM.