First off, thank you for the kind reception, its very good to see that people are enjoying my work especially given the size of the story I put out. My goal this whole time has always been to create something truly memorable in the space. Nothing would thrill me more than in five years to see someone new to the genre ask about the best TG stories out and have someone recommend my work. If that happens once then I know that my efforts were well spent.
!!!SPOILERS BELOW!!!
@ Frice2000
1) The reason that Scott and Zoe weren't affected by the ritual is simply location. There's a sentence at the start of the next chapter after Brian's TF that indicates that they were only inside the building for about 30-60 seconds after Mahelet started the ritual they were outside by 5:06 pm. The idea was that Mahelet was using the building in the exact same manner that she used Zoe's cage earlier. By Scott and Zoe climbing onto the roof they were effectively outside the ritual zone. The immediate flow of succubus essence wasn't instantly effective. It was like putting a bunch of lobsters into a pot and turning on the heat, it took a few minutes before the ritual space reached "cooking temperature." If Brianna had made it to an exit in the 2-3 minutes it took before things got bad she might still be Brian today...but as I mentioned in the story all those characters had no basis for understanding the danger.
2) Yes I realized that having TWO jumps in time and perspective could make things difficult if a reader didn't pickup on them. You probably noticed that I was time-stamping each chapter and major section to keep the chronological relationship clearer. I may still need to go back and work on the handoff between sections.
3) Yes having Mahelet Scourge the world in an apocalyptic tide of nubile succubi would have caused some rather interesting side effects had it come to pass. My thoughts on this were that Mahelet doesn't really give a damn about the long term consequences. She's a bored succubus who's been handed a chance to usurp hell. She's going to take it and worry about what she might eat as an afterthought.
4) Yes I was already starting to cringe everytime I saw a typo. The latter third of the story suffered as it only got one proofreading pass after I finished writing it over the 4th of July weekend. Unfortunately I was getting mentally tired and I can see I missed a fair number of things. I'll let it sit for a week and then probably go back and give it another solid proofreading and then repost the story.
5) The creation of all those new Witches and the resultant scene at the end of the story was intended to serve two purposes...one I wanted a capoff scene for Brianna, and two I wanted to show that there were real long-term consequences for the world in the story. IMO having a struggle only for everything to be neatly resolved at the end cheapens the efforts of the characters. I've always disliked creators who did this especially television writers. Star Trek is an excellent exampe..."Oh the titanic struggle to save the galaxy is successful...we shall mourn Ensign Redshirt and his noble sacrifice...now let us never speak of this again." In my story those new Witches were the "casualties" of the fight...their lives are going to be very different now, they struggled to the utmost in a valiant cause, but got succubufied one to many times. Now...they're going to have to learn how to live a life in panties as a result...poor fellows.
Still I think you are right..that section could use some polish work. I'll consider it a to do for TSV vers 1.1.
6) Your idea concerning interaction with the Devil also has merit, but I really think that the key has to be Mahelet...that is Zachary's/Zoe's nemesis. Also I was trying to very sensitive about painting Zachary/Zoe with the "Christ" brush. Having been driven to a nearly mouth foaming fit of rage after the travesty that the Wachowski brothers committed on screen with the character of "Neo" at the end of the Matrix Revolutions I am somewhat sensitive to painting any character with messiah like features. It could work though, especially with Zachary's character, the temptation towards an easier path after all the hell he's taken could be intriguing. I'll think about whether I want to add that in.
7) To snark or not to snark. That could work but my own personal take would be that anyone confronted with a seeming purgatory that didn't match any expectations AND who wasn't armed with a reader's omniscence AND who was struggling to not have their little minds blown by touching the total amount of knowledge available in the world would probably not be in the mood to snark. Also out snarking the Aspect of God should be impossible. If the font of all knowledge wanted to it could probably make your head explode with the snarkiest snark ever snarked.
8) I did kind of fall down on the job there describing the thrall succubi and associated costumes...I think for TSV 1.1 I may have to pit James against a cat-girl succubus (maybe a Felicia costume) his take on why a woman would dress up that way might be fun. I could probably pretty easily add in a Samus Aran. After all the reason Zoe looks the way she does is because Scott fell in love with girls like Samus as a boy. A brief duel between Scott and one of Zoe's thematic mother's could be in order. Consider it noted for TSV 1.1
9) In an early thought I was going to have Zoe fight Mahelet as a succubus but that was shelved very early in the process...if I didn't make it abundantly clear in the story I am very much in the "Vampires don't sparkle" camp. Taking an entity and stripping it of all its danger and meaning so that people can have a mysterious "dark" template to play with is tragic. Part of the whole reason I put Zoe through such hell at Mahelet's hands was part of this. Those sections were brutal for me to write, its not easy putting a favorite character through the wringer but it was necessary. Mahelet is not misunderstood. A succubus is not a simple nyphomanic woman. These are murderous beings that have no concept of mercy, love, or kindness. That's how they derive their power. There was no way thematically for Zoe to out-succubus a succubus without becoming a monster herself.
As an aside I have always wondered about the declarations that some people openly make. VERY FEW people ever seem to think about what by definition must also exist in their philosophies if they allow for the existence of angelic beings. Not trying to get off topic but something to consider.
10) I'm glad you liked Brian/Brianna....for the rest of you...next time I throw a contest that's what you could potentially win.
@ APSM
1) Yes, I did do a cross story cameo...note that the figure in Zachary's hands has a very high model number relative to her age and the text "recently updated and reissued..."
