Quote:
Originally Posted by Wussy
OK
Repetitive phrasing, consider revising.
You mean the straight guy would like to fuck the super-hot girl? I can't imagine that's a secret to either of them.
Also, convincing yourself that you're a lesbian by having teenage sex (awkward) with a virgin (awkward) who's also your best friend (super awkward)? I'm betting that the sex would've been awful even if she thought she was straight.
I'm guessing that he's just trying to get her not to go, but of all the things I'd call China, 'scary' isn't one of them. Neither of them elaborate on what is so terrifying about China either, so I'm really confused about this part.
You usually don't relax and get concerned at the same time. When you're concerned, you usually lean in and get more animated as you express your worry, not lean back and casually discuss possibly mortal danger.
If she's sure of her lesbianism, why does she want to fall in love with him? If anything, she should be wishing he was a girl so she'd be able to reciprocate the obvious affection and desire he feels towards her.
Now, this is just chapter one, and you did say that there's a lot of character development ahead, so I'll better understand where this is going as the chapters come up.
You said to go easy, so I apologize if this seems overly harsh. These are just my opinions and observations, so feel free to correct me if I'm wrong or off-base on anything.
Overall, I give this chapter a solid C. There's some good setup here (sexual tension between best friends, a trip to an exotic foreign land) but otherwise there's not a lot happening that I can comment on. As the story picks up and we get to know the characters better I'm sure there will be lots more interesting things to discuss!  |
Kaila is an amalgam of quite a few people I know IRL.
About the questions as to her sexuality: They are based on someone I know in real life who actually DID have sex with her male best friend as a way to see how it felt to her, lol. She wants to be able to love him because she feels like an outcast, and because throughout their childhood he had been so good to her. That will show back up later one, but a brief explanation would be he was always there for her. He would always protect her, especially when they were younger and she hadn't filled out yet (ugly duckling kinda deal). She feels that his personality is EXACTLY what she wants in a partner but she cannot feel the love for him because of her sexuality. I'm trying to set up a conflict.
Quote:
|
If she's sure of her lesbianism, why does she want to fall in love with him? If anything, she should be wishing he was a girl so she'd be able to reciprocate the obvious affection and desire he feels towards her.
|
I think you miss read the title of the story and where I mentioned "multiple processes" *wink wink nudge nudge, know what I mean, know what I mean, say no more, say no more!*
Whereas Chris has a heavy emphasis on myself, the majority of his personality is me with a few tweaks.
The trip is scary mainly for the fact that it would be their first time leaving the country. ANY time you leave your native country and are in a new land it can be scary. Culture Shock is what I would call it, but if you notice I kept her quite calm about it all while he was worried. That is part of Chris that is from me: I am a worrier and I tend to overly worry about stupid shit XD
Quote:
|
You usually don't relax and get concerned at the same time. When you're concerned, you usually lean in and get more animated as you express your worry, not lean back and casually discuss possibly mortal danger.
|
Good point, Ill keep that in mind. The way I had envisioned it was kind of a mix of the two. He was going between relaxed look and fidgeting while going more towards leaning over the table. I have a attendance to imagine the situation in my head vividly and realistically...however sometimes I have an issue converting those images into the proper wording.
Oh and it's not the straight guy who wants to fuck the super hot girl. It's the other way around, but she is in conflict with her sexuality and her desire to make her best friend happy. She wants to be able to LOVE Chris as a partner rather than a friend.
Also: I appreciate the feedback, actually. I was quite HOPING you would be one of the ones to review it as you have been one of the major writers on the forum in the past.
That said: Next chapter may be delayed. Classes reared their ugly heads and I have some homework to do. Kinda sucks taking 13 credit hours XD. Expect it up sometime in the next day or two though!
Edit: Screw it. I'm working on Chapter 2 right now. Ill try to get ANOTHER chapter up this weekend afterwards.