I think I can see where you're going with this, but I'm nursing a bad headache, so I won't be much help with rephrasing tonight. Still, here are the first couple paragraphs to tide you over. Let me know what you think.
Comma reclined in the hovervan as it navigated the fields en route to her new lot of farmland. She was in her early twenties, though she seemed much younger, owing largely to her sleight build - devoid of curves of any kind - and her mere 1.5m height. Cartoonishly huge eyes imposed themselves upon her juvenile face, which was crowned by a short-cut mess of wavy white hair.
'So... How is working in a vet clinic, Damian?' she asked the driver: a young man, about the same age.
EDIT: Here's a pointer. For your character descriptions, try to picture them as real people, down to the most trivial of details. Maybe they have high cheekbones indicating a position in high society, or an unusually wrinkled forehead showing years of experience and wisdom? Perhaps a butterfly tattoo on their left ass-cheek as a reminder of their wild college years? Write everything down, in your native language if it helps. There's some truth to the adage that "a picture is worth a thousand words", so let your words be your brush. Use a thesaurus to throw in variety, and a dictionary to check if you're not sure on certain words. Those last two tips saw me through every English class I ever took.
My point is this: you know
what you're writing, the
when and the
where. You're even giving some direction fairly early on to
why these events are unfolding, but thus far I haven't seen much in the way of
who. Who is Comma, beyond a brief introduction? What is her backstory? How did she come to own the farmland, to get involved with chimera (cowgirls, in this instance), and why do they care for her? Has she treated them well in the past, or is this the often-tragic "love at first sight" angle?
It's the one major fault I see in many writings, and I believe you can overcome it: who is Comma, and why do I care? The ball is in your court.
Further tip: Flesh out your characters, as if they were real. Write what you see them looking like, acting like, and dressing like in as much detail as you can imagine. If you're as good as the promise you show, an entire chapter of just one character's history should be possible, making a few paragraphs child's play.