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Re: New story. A.C.E.S.
Post timed out and got eaten. Not going to recreate all of the examples. General gist: the single best improvement to this story at this point is to break the paragraphs down. Sentences are ideas. Paragraphs are groupings of related ideas. When the idea changes, make a new paragraph. When a dialogue speaker changes, the focus of the paragraph (and as a result the idea) changes and you need a new paragraph.
For more info, and some editing notes, send me a PM.
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