Very much agreed with BillPratt up there. You need to separate your dialog up into new paragraphs whenever the speaker changes; it's a serious pain to read when an entire conversation is crammed into one paragraph. You also seem to bind separate sentences into their own quotations, even when subsequent sentences are said by the same person; that just makes it worse.
Another thing I've been seeing a lot of is that you need to be more careful when using spell check; it's not an automatic 'my work is now proofread' button, you need to be sure that it keeps the words you want to use, not random words that have similar spelling. I saw a lot of 'principle' used in place of 'principal', 'waste' instead of 'waist', and the usual messes with your/you're, their/they're/there, etc.
As jsands mentioned, the BE/breast descriptions were pretty rushed at best, at times almost completely absent; I'm not asking you to go nuts when describing every instance of huge and/or growing boobs, but when you write a story specifically about BE, that's one aspect you don't really want to half-ass.
That said, you have a neat idea here, and this has quite a bit of promise. Keep track of the things you need to work on, and practice writing often; you'll get better.
