[Quantum Heart]

i hope i wouldn't have to kero. far too many issues and hang-ups. that said i do have some predilections in what i'm attracted to that would probably have inevitably led me to be interested in the ap fetish kero. i guess i could ramble about them here

size change/growth: well obviously. i like growth, which is probably how i stumbled into this crazy-ass site in the first place. i like tall women, i like the idea of women growing taller and other attendant developments like tiddies. this of course leads me to probably the most questionable range of AP, kid -> adult, since that of course is when a lot of growth happens. truth be told if "short flat woman grows into boom-banging tall woman" was a coherent fetish category i'd probably switch over to that and lose all the baggage of dealing with kids. stuff like de-chibification has hit me in a similar mental place, for instance.

development stuff: i think i'm just interested in (this is going to sound fucking weird) biological development processes on some weird base level. like i've always been fascinated by (for instance) moths and butterflies and other metamorphic insects (obviously not fetishistically. well unless it's like, a moth girl or something.) the changes in physiology between child and adult forms and the weird liminal spaces in between are just something that piques my interest, and that's been the case for years and years.

(extended aside kero) for instance, one of the things that annoys me about the Alien series of films is how you basically see every detail of the thing's biological cycle except for that middle point where it goes from chestburster to full-sized xenomorph. like i understand how suspending that in the unfilmed parts of the story allows for the tension of the unknown to build and how that feeds the horror of a horror film, so directorially it would be counter-productive to show the thing bloat up from a little blind rat fetus thing to a six- or seven-foot long Gigerian death engine. and i know it's unscientific to actually linger on the details of how that metamorphosis occurs in, say, a cramped ship with almost no biological mass to eat beyond the meat in the chest it bursted out of, so lingering on that would damage the scientific postulates of a science-fiction film. so basically the less they focus on that particular stage the better for the film. but i don't care, i want to see that part and am frustrated that it never happens. (aside over kero)

transcendence/awakening of consciousness/something: i don't know if i have the terminology to really describe this without coming like a pretentious sapiosexual or something, but i'm going to try. i like the idea of the change as a gateway to mental or spiritual awakening. a sense of empowerment catalyzed by an intense moment that changes how you look at the world entirely. it sounds kind of like i'm turned on by super saiyan transformations when i put it like that, i realize, and no, that's not the case. like there's a moment in the anime magical girl lyrical nanoha a's (which has nothing to do with singing) where hayate, the invalid young girl whose contact with a mystical artifact was draining her life force, has some of her friends get into a fight with some of her other friends, and then another group of people come along and kill some of those other friends, and she descends into despair and awakens the artifact, which then possesses her and transforms her into an adult form. and there's this moment of letting go, of refusing to hold her tongue and take the bullshit the world subjected her to, and that just charges the scene with a resonance that goes above and beyond the ap. (carol from the aforementioned symphogear gx-symphogear's a good series btw, you guys should watch it kero-has a kind of similar theme, but it's mostly been resolved in the past of the series and she's already "had her moment.") that sort of "click" moment can come from many different sources. it can cause the ap, or the ap can cause the click. but it's that sort of thing that draws me in. this is probably why i'm not the biggest fan of ap where it's apparent that the subject still has the mindset of whatever age child they were before transforming. going through such an experience should change you as you go across that border, and if that includes becoming adult in viewpoint as well as in physique then that's better. it can be kind of squicky otherwise. meanwhile stuff that explores that "exalted" viewpoint beyond the moment of transformation i also find interesting, if not immediately pressing toward my prurient instinct.

(another aside kero)i'm pretty sure i caught a lot of my interest in tf from the teenage mutant ninja turtles cartoon from the 80s. and just the idea of mutation itself kind of catches my imagination. like taking an actual animal and changing it into this in-between creature with human-like sapience. what the hell is that like? just that eclipsing sense of consciousness and awareness of self as an entity has to be--well, i would like it to be, i visualize it as--transcendent, almost sublime. that's also part of the reason why i find a lot of tf fetish work unattractive despite having a tf fetish-nine times out of ten the transformation is adversarial, almost, certainly punitive. everybody's all horrified by the changes and they're usually treated as humiliations or grotesqueries, generally events of horror. i understand a lot of tf work comes through horror channels (see werewolves for example) so i can see why you might catch that flavor of attraction in your tf fetish entanglements. unfortunately for me, i did not. my dick likes the idea of tf as transcendent and climactic (however many layers of meaning you think i put into that word choice is probably correct), something that feels good and desirable. (aside over kero)

meanwhile i don't have a fetish response to ar i don't think. every time i see it i go "aww that's cute, look at her all short with all the baggy clothes, i want to hug her" and that's been pretty consistent. so, that's that.

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kero