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Unread 11-05-2005   #83
SoylentOrange
Process Disciple
 
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Awesome, first peek at chapter 2. Lesse...


First page seems to be wasting a bunch of space in the lower left corner, which tends to draw the eye (Though this will be less of a problem once the color is added.) Also, panel 3 could use some lines indicating the wing's atrophy or just something to let the reader know she's sucking them back into her body or whatever she's doing. Also, both instances of "then" in panel 5 should be "than". Good flow and layout otherwise, though- the L-shaped panel 4 is a nice touch, the way it psychically leads into and frames panel 5.

Page two is also really well done, with just a few nitpicks. In panel one, "Little fuzzy shits" implies that their poops are themselves fuzzy. "fuzzy little shits" on the other hand, establishes the adjectives of them being fuzzy little things and *then* calls them shits. The break-line gutter between panels 1&2 and panels 3-5 is spot-on, but the gutter boxig panel 4 in all by itself seems extraneous. The way the word bubbles point to each other is enough of an eye-line that you could probably increas panel 4's size until it was flush with panels 3 and 5 without any negative consequences. Nothing else on page 2 ecxept to say that it's a good introduction and I feel for the poor girl. Oh, actually, that reminds me: I assume from the fourth page that she's soon to be that fuzzy-looking girl cowering from Joanna's breasts eventually, but with four women they're starting to kind of all look the same. The face-stripes are good, but consider a less spikey hairstyle on the vet in order to make her visually distinct, even if she's only going to be in her current state a page or two. (Of course, this is another aspect that color will make largely irrelevent, but it's worth mentioning nonetheless...)

Page 3 and 4 aren't chrononlogical, which takes out a big chunk of the critique, but I'll do my best anyways.

Page 3 has a lot of critiques that can/will probably be solved by their completion. For starters, Joanna and Katt need to be coming around a corner or through a door or something between panels one and two, because since the guards in panel 3 are apparently facing their direction already, there needs to be something environmentally that made them just "pop" out like that, because even if somehow they missed seeing two naked voloptuous women walking down the hall, they would at least have heard them! Oh, and the extra-wide gutters around panel 3 are a good way of isolating the focus on the two guards. You could probably chop the panels even more to enhance the effect. And last but not least, Katt's breast apparently grow between panels four and five. Since everything else (Like the guard) seems to be the same size, either Katt's growing or it's just a little needed perspective correction. Other than that, great page.

Page 4 has a nice POV shot, but the anatomy doesn't quite work. If her breasts are totally pressed together in panel 2, then the perspective in panel 1 is showing too much of a gap at that level compared to panel 4. If you raised panel 1's "Camera" so to speak, moved the nipples down a little on the breasts, and lowered the rabbit(?) woman to, say, starting just under her breasts, the perspective would probably work better. Also, Joanna's right breast (Her right) in panel 4 seems oddly shaped. The big crease on the side has nothing pushing it in to make that crease, so it seems. And lastly, shouldn't it be "Wobble"? (Unless you were making a play on "Waddle"...)

Anyways, great stuff and I can't wait to see more. You seriously need a website. Hell, you could try for WLP or something. Lord knows you keep a better schedule than most of those guys...
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