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Unread 02-02-2006   #15
GearRyu
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,712
I reread your story. Have better perception.

Pros
Chapters have good flow; do not feel disjointed, has good twists. Misty is likeable evil character, plus struggle with childhood mentality is amusing. Supporting characters all interesting and detailed. Desire to see earlier supporting characters reintroduced. Driving story by character interactions is working well. Also appreciate cleverness of characters. Eloquent.

Cons
Youths sometimes seemingly overeloquent. Hero group is cliched. Environments and characters receive little description; exact age of sorceress unknown at both normal and regressed age (thus, difficulty conjuring your desired image of her appearance)

With all due respect, is English your second language? You are eloquent, but tenses are often confused (present instead of past, or vice-versa), punctuation is sometimes off (<< >> instead of " "), and words misused in considerable ways (beep instead of 'unknown'). Way errors are constantly repeated in the exact same method gives appearance of linguistic barrier, instead of poor penmanship.

Further Suggestions
Consider having the "Fountain of Youth" have an effect later, unique to Misty due to her potion-work.
Consider continued treatment as child factor in slowly increasing difficult rationalizing mature thoughts

Keep up the good work. Eagerly anticipating next chapter.
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