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Unread 02-22-2015   #4
frice2000
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Re: New Ebook - From Nathan to Nanako: Changed into a Cheerleader

The Image is fine and the choice of text in the title is fine too, but with GIMP and like 5 minutes you could have made that text yourself. Haven't read the book yet, will edit when I do.

Edit: This wasn't very good I'm sad to say. I'd say that if you posted it for free (though I would be nicer about it), but if I had paid for this I would have been very displeased. This is not up to par for work to be charging $3 for. Maybe a $1, but $3? No. Since I have Kindle Unlimited it was free however, so that puts me in a bit more charitable a mood.

There were quite a few problems with it. I get that you wanted to write a fetish piece but you told us next to nothing about the characters. Character and setting descriptions were near non-existent. Character motivations and at least some bits of personality for your characters were also severely lacking. You could have said 'Hot female character 1." And "Tall Transformation Victim 1." And they would have had near the same impact. You needed to inject at least a modicum of personality there. Instead almost all of the characterization we get isn't till the transformation is over and finished with. That's not exactly a way to get the reader invested in the story.

The transformation was a bit awkward. What made it happen? The cheers? How did the cheers make it work? Was it the sushi? It seems to have been the cheers yes, but then what was the point of the sushi to start with. Honestly, if you had made the sushi transform him slowly as he ate it and then had some more mental changes to go along with that it could've been better. Perhaps if Nana was a gymnast of some sort in Japan and had helped out with the cheers things could have been more interesting. Instead the transformation scene seemed to just be there. It would count as process this way yes, and for those looking for a nice transformation scene there's interesting bits there, but in the end how it was presented just felt quite off.

Post transformation I have no idea what you were going for. I expected sex to happen, and it did. But the watching of anime first felt strange. Not exactly impossible no, just a bit strange. And what mental changes Nana did experience were related only to intelligence, and a new language. But not any basic skills for her new gender? That's really odd as well.

Overall, I can't recommend this story. There were a few bits that showed you have some talent but I don't think you're ready to publish and expect to get paid yet. You need more practice before you get to that point. Though I do see that you have quite a few published works on Kindle, and if you're making a good income off of it what do I know I guess. However, many stories on FM or Big Closet are very superior to this, and they cost nothing. One should expect better from things we're told to pay a few bucks on.

Last edited by frice2000; 02-22-2015 at 11:59 PM.
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