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Unread 08-05-2018   #12
somnium
Fetish Writer
 
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 321
Re: Disobedience is Forbidden (AR/AP/Multiple)

I'm glad to see that you're writing again! Since you've given me so many helpful criticisms, I couldn't wait to read this.

There's a slight formatting problem where multiple people are speaking in the same paragraph. It would be clearer to read if each time a new character spoke, their dialogue started on a new line.

This is a good set-up. Your anime influences are clearly showing in the appearance and presentation of your supporting characters. Cassandra, Gabriel, Raven, and the others feel like anime characters, though Nadya seems less the anime type and seems more like a real-world person caught up in this anime-influenced world.

The question I have is why Gabriel and the others want Nadya to train their employees. The cat-girls caught her easily, and Nadya couldn't even touch them when she tried to escape. I assume that there are more employees that are nowhere near as enhanced as the cat-girls.

There's one more question I have (not a criticism, just a curiosity): what does Midgard do? They have powerful technology and abilities, so what do they use it for?

I like the distinct stages of regression Nadya goes through. She has distinct body-types the younger she gets, and her mood changes depending upon those types. The regressions are great! I can't wait to see more of them, though these will stick out in my mind for a good while.

Thanks for the story!
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