|
I took a few minutes to skim through the story. Granted, I missed a few things from such a quick look, but I do have a few comments.
I like the sorceress' character; she is clever, but as she regresses, she is also overcome by childishness and her own powerlessness.
The scene at the beginning, involving the tricking of the maid, was humorous, smart, and made me smile. To a lesser degree, this also applied to the scene when the sorceress was kicked out of the bar.
I am glad to see she is never out of characters to interact with; I like to think that character interaction is the strong suit of most stories. Characters speak to each other, and by that method, you learn more about the characters.
I do have a few points of constructive criticism. First, I have not seen any visible effects from the sorceress drinking from the Fountain of Youth. If you have not explored effects yet (perhaps her mentality?), then I recommend a slow creeping realization that she is being affected physically by it.
Furthermore, we have yet to see any of those three hero characters you mentioned at the beginning. I believe we would benefit from an occasional cut-away to our travelineg heroes.
Finally, make sure there are some scenes that let us see more into the sorceress' persona. A strong character, that we can sympathize with on some level, is more engaging. For example, Lady Clark, from "Three Musketeers" is my favorite villainess of all time because she is so despicably evil, and throughout the story, we learn enough about her to understand that she is depraved on every level; a villain that we love to hate.
Overall, I think the story is cool, and it is a pleasure to see another AR story pop up. I will be sitting down for a more thorough read sometime soon, but I certainly hope that these comments I have already provided are of some help to you.
P.S.
I notice your profile states you like "TG". I have a TG story on the TG area of the forum, if you are interested. Maybe we could throw ideas back and forth with each other.
|