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Unread 09-29-2017   #34
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: The pacific north west
Posts: 243
Re: New Story "Take It All In" by Clovis

Hello Clovis! Sorry I haven't given you what you wanted so far but I'm hoping to change that. Reading your chapters is something of a sit down and very specifically the last chapter that focused on Etna was unappealing to me due to Enta being the focus. That isn't a bad thing. I just didn't feel motivated to read an Etna chapter. I can be led by my emotions and I strongly dislike that woman. Which was the point. But that leads me to my next point, I was absolutely heartbroken when Holly pulled the double cross. Obviously I was relieved when I found out the truth but still the path the two of them took feels like a double cross that could bite both in the ass later depending on how you have this planned out. That being said, Holly growing is magnificent. Gaining only in the best places is a very sexy thing. Which brings me to Dawn. I'm not sure I fully understand what she looks like right now. Is she mainly belly? Does she look like a Critical-Volume girl? That's what I gathered but that seems slightly different from what you described happening to her before? I'm probably wrong about that but I swear she she should have more going on up top and down below?
One thing that appeals to me is the idea of either like a post-duel story or something involving Holly being fed by Amber and her breasts/butt getting absolutely everything. Otherwise I like what you have going and am crossing my fingers for a Dawn victory.
some people are like slinkies; they serve no real purpose in life, but always bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

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Heres the clip on youtube.
Skip to 6:14 for the stuck scene
link provided by smegman9
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