maybe i can help i like the lighting here but when doing lighting remember to adjust it to where its realy comeing from, have 1 with Shadowing, that light should be the Lamp light or the outside lighting or where you want it.
if your chars look to dark any use Point lighting with Diffuse Only setup in Parameters, Diffuse dosen't shadow makes it perfect for lighting .
your shadows look way off the lighting feels like someone has there car's brights on that can be bad
try for Distant light when adding it get your view in place and do it at Viewpoint it saves some time trying to get it just where you want it ^.^
don't forget color lighting like the sun it self or a lamp shade color this adds effect to the scene makes it pop out more ^.^ its not alwas needed mind you just a thought.
anyways i hope this helps some if you have any questions ask away ^.^
as for the story it looks realy nice you have the feelings and the chars down pretty well ^.^