|
Rein in those descriptors a bit.
The reason you have a paragraph going through the change is to paint a picture of it for the reader, so watch what you discuss. Stay away from "inner" anatomical changes, as the reader can't visualize them.
From a story point of view, the whole will-bending thing needs to be approached differently. If Hort completely reforms their souls, then there is no conflict, and therefore no reason to keep reading. A better idea would be for Hort to have to conciously control them, forcing every action as the heroines try to fight it.
You paint good sex scenes, no two ways about that. Good job on this one.
|