2009: A Great New Year

[LOD]

This is starting out to be a really great year. Everyone is saying that 2009 is a year of change, and I won't be saying different.

The newest thing for me in 2009 is the gift I received on January first. I was given my own library in the Size Room at The Transformansion by Lord Hugo Prosperio. This is where I'm posting my new story: Claire's Project.

I've been wanting to try a diary/journal from the growing/shrinking girl's perspective for quite some time and was hit by a sudden burst of creativity when I entered The Transformansion. Now that Claire has found the Size Room what will happen to her?

http://transformansion.proboards67.c...cgi?board=size

How do you like the story so far? Please be brutally honest.

2009 has many more changes to come. Kim will soon realize her life will never be the same as she learns more about her Idol. And what will become of Jen, Sofie, and Gwen after night falls on 'Trouble Before Twilight'.

I really like this idea. Daily writing is hard to do, particularly since writer's block doesn't care what deadlines you set. I'm very curious to see what you do with this.

[LOD]

Yes, it's quite a different experience indeed. I have to write late at night because of obvious reasons so I find myself having to do frequent proof reading.

[Wussy]

Claire's Project: This starts out really slow. It took a week for something unusual to happen (her "drowning"), and almost two weeks total before we see our first size-affected person. Consider starting with a "hook" to grab the reader's attention early on and make them want to continue reading (ie We're watching a video tape. Was the tape itself somehow larger or smaller than normal? Was it delivered to us by a person of 'unusual size'?)

A Day in the Life: This one is really fun. I like all of the different changes that are going on with the different people. However, this is a LOT of people for me to keep track of:

There were a few bloody noses, two blacks eyes, and most of the girl's clothes were gradually getting ripped off. Suzy and Sara Baileford were now only 4" tall and they found themselves being crushed by the Megan Williams'(8") large ass. Mollie Standhope(8") gasped as Stacy Melrose's(6") tiny head emerged from her large Double D cup tits gasping for air. Vicky now found herself upside down with her face right in Cindy Masterson's(8") pussy. Emily Watson(4") was now wedged between Dakota Washington's(7") C Cup tits and Kylie Peterson's(7") ass, but being a lesbian she didn't mind at all. Jessie Hopewell(5") was licking her wounds after her shoving match with Destiny Fairchild(6"). Terra Mathews(5") finally was able to pull Janet Nelson's(4") unconscious body out from underneath Gina Richards(8"). Oddly enough Becky Wilson(6") was crammed right next to her best friend Mary Adams(5") and those two were probably the calmest ones in the bunch. Last but not least the former home coming queen Holly Smith(6") was in the corner using what was left of her ripped shirt to clean up after her bloody nose.

Maybe just mention that she has "over a dozen captives ranging from 4 to 8 inches" and just give them names as needed?


This is minor, but you need to proofread your work more carefully. A small sample:

"Come on he will only be gone for a few hours and I know that he doesn't want me to touch it so it has to be something really amazing."

"Well could you at least not point that at me until we know what it dose."

"How dose this work." she said examining the switches and dials along the side.

Kimberly McGee: I'm still reading this one so I'll let you know when I'm finished with it.

[LOD]

Thank you so much for your detailed critique!!

I feel the need to explain what I was thinking about in the excerpt you posted from 'Life'. I was trying to create a monster. When I first introduced Gwen I made the mistake of making my audience feel too sorry for her. I figured that this scene might be a bit much, but I really needed to humanize her victims to make her a true villain.

[Wussy]

I can understand that. But it's already effective as it is to have Jen and Sofie, already half-sized themselves, to come across these empty houses, each smaller than the next, with no sign of the occupants. Was there a struggle? Are they already dead? Did Gwen simply shrink them out of existence?

The duo already consider Gwen to be a monster just from their own experiences with her, not to mention the other side-stuff such as the shrunken van driving down the street. I'm not sure how any of your readers were sympathizing with Gwen, given that she immediately begins torturing other people the instant she has a bit of power.

The block of text I quoted does little to humanize her victims that couldn't be accomplished as they met their individual fates. Instead, it the descriptions of the characters make it sound like cheap porn (heads stuck in vaginas, people wedged between breasts, etc). I harbor no illusions about why we're all here (myself included), but it seems so out-of-place considering the tone of the rest of the story.

Consider something like this:

Gwen reached into her purse, feeling the tiny squirming bodies inside trying desperately to escape her grasp. Eventually she grabbed hold of a leg, and with a dramatic flourish, she pulled out her next victim.

"Stuck-up Stacy' Melrose. I guess it's your turn." The tiny 6" girl was clawing frantically at Gwen's hand, but was far too small to have any affect. "Oh, don't you worry. I have just the thing for you...."

All at once we have a character introduction and an idea of how both sides feel about the situation.

By only giving people names as needed, it keeps the story centered around a smaller cast, and I don't need to try to remember whether Emily or or Stacy was a lesbian, or which two were sisters, or keep track of their sizes.


Kimberly McGee: First off, there's still the spelling/proofreading issue.

Kim stormed out and went strait to her office almost crying along the way.

Things were definitely going to change and soon she new it.

She might even try to help you trough this uhmm this little problem."

"So dose that mean I can keep your hieght?" asked Susan.

Plot points: Jamie is the antagonist of the story, but Kim is almost as big of a jerk. Similar to Gwen, the first chance she gets a bit of power she uses it to humiliate and abuse people, even those whom she has no quarrel with.

I have a hard time believing that Kim's boss has absolutely no issues with Kim growing a foot and a half overnight while Jamie suddenly shrinks to half her normal size. Not to mention that Jamie's sudden disappearance is probably going to raise a few questions back at the office. Maybe if he was scared that Kim might do something like that to him I'd buy it, but as it stands two weird things happening at the same time is less "coincidence" and more "pattern".

I like Jarret as a character. He seems really laid-back and open to almost anything. Him hooking up with Jamie was a definite surprise. I'd like to learn more about this idol (and where to get my own!) and its past owners. After all, like Kim says, you don't normally find stuff like that just laying on the beach.

I hope no one takes offense, but I had kind of assumed grammar and spelling issues weren't a concern given the general level here. It's very common for writers to need proofreaders to correct that sort of mistakes before publishing.

I'm guessing you already know to use spellcheck since the mistakes are almost all word replacements (does->dose, our->are, etc.), but if not, Firefox, OpenOffice, and a number of other free products include a spellcheck to help a little with that.

A few other suggestions -
- Choose a tense before you start and write it down somewhere where you can look at it when you need to. It can get confusing when you switch between past tense and present tense ("Claire dropped the apple..." vs. "Her shrinking continues..."). Present tense works well for first-person perspective, where your audience is supposed to be present or watching in realtime. Past tense is better for third person perspective or first-person omniscient, where you're seeing more than a real person would see.
- Vary your sentence structure. A few places got to be litanies of "She (verb)... She (verb)..." sentences which can make a paragraph harder to read and less interesting.
- Multiple paragraph quotations don't have a closing quote until the very end, even though they have an opening quote at the beginning of each paragraph. This distinguishes them from a second person talking right after the first quote.

Would a grammar squad be of interest here? A group of us with English proficiency to send something to for proofing?

[LOD]

Originally Posted by Illun

Would a grammar squad be of interest here? A group of us with English proficiency to send something to for proofing?

I'll be the first to say that I'm not a literary giant. I would love to have someone that I could trust to do that for me.

[Wussy]

Originally Posted by Illun

I hope no one takes offense, but I had kind of assumed grammar and spelling issues weren't a concern given the general level here. It's very common for writers to need proofreaders to correct that sort of mistakes before publishing.

I'm guessing you already know to use spellcheck since the mistakes are almost all word replacements (does->dose, our->are, etc.), but if not, Firefox, OpenOffice, and a number of other free products include a spellcheck to help a little with that.

"Hieght" does not exist in any dictionary that I am aware of.

Would a grammar squad be of interest here? A group of us with English proficiency to send something to for proofing?

Grammar and spelling mistakes are incredibly distracting. Unless someone says otherwise, I assume that people writing English are fluent enough to know how to spell, and therefore I am allowed to say when its wrong.

Originally Posted by liveordie83

I'll be the first to say that I'm not a literary giant.

Not to carry on a line of size puns, but don't sell yourself short. I've read a wide variety from Pliny to Tolstoy to Asimov to Tolkien, and I still find your work enjoyable. You're in good company.

If you'd like me to proofread anything, just let me know. I can't do a "check all my stuff" request, but I can look at a story you've posted somewhere and send you a proofed version back.

Originally Posted by Wussy

"Hieght" does not exist in any dictionary that I am aware of.

"Almost" does, though.

[LOD]

Okay I fixed the past tense issue with Claire's Project. I've also seen what you were talking about with the sentence structure Illun.

Thanks again to both of you for taking your time to read my work.

BTW your THAT wussy? I have quite a few of your stories in my archives. It's an honor sir!

[LOD]

My last post in this story includes the first piece of growth process making this a three process story(SW, BE, GTS).


Claire's finally taller than Katie. What else will happen when she switches games in 'The Fairytale Casino & Resort'.

Claire's Project