Short story on the BE Grove

Litch · 08-02-2014

Hey folks, I've tried my hand at a BE short story for the first time and thought you may enjoy it.

Hope you get as much fun reading as I did writing it. It involves BE, bimboification, and tasty foods

Link

BillPratt · 08-02-2014

To be perfectly honest, this is a good-to-excellent bimbo/mind control story, but weak on the breast expansion due to its late entry. A few notes on the opening because it’s the opening that gets people reading through to the expanding boobs.

“The great Andre Pavlovic – chef, protégé and former television personality was set to make a comeback.” makes a stronger opening line than what you used, but first I’d recommend two changes: a closing emdash between personality and was and rethinking the use of protégé because this generally means student and not master. This is also one of the rare times I would use a passive sentence and probably the only time I’ve considered one worthy of opening a story. Good line. The rest of the paragraph falls in naturally behind it.
“Of course she would be on time, she had always been exacting.” requires a semicolon in place of the comma. Both phrases are independent and could be separated with a period, so a comma is too weak a break. I also suggest rewording “she had always been exacting” as it is a tad too much tell, especially following a good example of show. Follow show with show and only use tell when absolutely necessary.
“He knew she wouldn’t wait long and she was pivotal to his comeback efforts.” I would drop “long” and either “comeback” or “efforts” to accelerate the pacing, and you may consider a comma before “and” because you are joining a pair of independent phrases. Both phrases are short, so some style guides will give this a pass.
“as she always had a penchant to do” is rendered redundant by the following sentences. I would drop it. I would also discard the “then again” a bit later. Fewer words is almost always better, if it doesn’t result in confused description, and in the case of fetish porn, the sooner you get to the fetish, the more likely you are to keep the readers reading. Here flowery prose is your enemy and, in this case, growing boobs your greatest ally.
For example, “The seven years that had passed had not robbed her of any of her looks either.” reads perfectly fine as “Seven years had not robbed her of her looks.” but I’d still have a go at it to clean up having two “her”s in close proximity. The first one could be “the lady”, but using her name would be a better choice just to get it in play.
One thing missing here is a quick run-down on her breasts. Most places you would just ignore them unless they are a dominant feature, but this is marketed toward breast fetishists. Equally important, this is breast expansion and in any good transformation story to fully appreciate the after, the reader must have been introduced to the before.

Litch · 08-03-2014

Bill - firstly thanks for taking the time to read through and give your feedback, I hadn't expected such an informed response but it is appreciated.

The points you've made are very valid and and good advice for future stories. As a writing novice I had an instinct that words were at a premium in the opening and it's good to know that I was on the right track and could have even been more active in my cutting back.

In terms of the weak BE element I did feel this may be the case but stuck with its positioning for two reasons. The first being that I felt it would be disingenuous to the story if it happened at an earlier course due to the nature of the character / method of inflation but knew it may seem like I was putting the bimbo horse before the BE cart.

The second was simply that I had faith that I could produce a decent BE story but wanted to test my mettle on a bimbo twist. The story (I hoped) would eventually be accompanied by more traditional variants so being bimbo centric wouldn't be such an issue.

But anyway, thanks for the feedback - I'm glad you felt it was worth it to go through rather than just "write it off" so to speak

BillPratt · 08-03-2014

THe story was commented on because it was worth my time. Keep up the good work.

You are correct. Diving right into the BE would be out of place and harmful to the story.

Litch · 12-30-2014

Hey guys,

Given the year's coming to an end I figured I'd do a "year in review" for the stuff that's been created this year. If you haven't seen the site in a while (or ever) come on over and have a look see!

08-02-2014	#1
Litch Level 13 Boobmancer Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 328	Short story on the BE Grove Hey folks, I've tried my hand at a BE short story for the first time and thought you may enjoy it. Hope you get as much fun reading as I did writing it. It involves BE, bimboification, and tasty foods Link __________________ Website: Breast Expansion Grove. DA: The Litch Deviance. Patreon: The BE Grove Patreon.

08-02-2014	#2
BillPratt 789th level Draco-Ninja Join Date: Dec 2013 Location: In my home. Posts: 2,047	Re: Short story on the BE Grove To be perfectly honest, this is a good-to-excellent bimbo/mind control story, but weak on the breast expansion due to its late entry. A few notes on the opening because it’s the opening that gets people reading through to the expanding boobs. “The great Andre Pavlovic – chef, protégé and former television personality was set to make a comeback.” makes a stronger opening line than what you used, but first I’d recommend two changes: a closing emdash between personality and was and rethinking the use of protégé because this generally means student and not master. This is also one of the rare times I would use a passive sentence and probably the only time I’ve considered one worthy of opening a story. Good line. The rest of the paragraph falls in naturally behind it. “Of course she would be on time, she had always been exacting.” requires a semicolon in place of the comma. Both phrases are independent and could be separated with a period, so a comma is too weak a break. I also suggest rewording “she had always been exacting” as it is a tad too much tell, especially following a good example of show. Follow show with show and only use tell when absolutely necessary. “He knew she wouldn’t wait long and she was pivotal to his comeback efforts.” I would drop “long” and either “comeback” or “efforts” to accelerate the pacing, and you may consider a comma before “and” because you are joining a pair of independent phrases. Both phrases are short, so some style guides will give this a pass. “as she always had a penchant to do” is rendered redundant by the following sentences. I would drop it. I would also discard the “then again” a bit later. Fewer words is almost always better, if it doesn’t result in confused description, and in the case of fetish porn, the sooner you get to the fetish, the more likely you are to keep the readers reading. Here flowery prose is your enemy and, in this case, growing boobs your greatest ally. For example, “The seven years that had passed had not robbed her of any of her looks either.” reads perfectly fine as “Seven years had not robbed her of her looks.” but I’d still have a go at it to clean up having two “her”s in close proximity. The first one could be “the lady”, but using her name would be a better choice just to get it in play. One thing missing here is a quick run-down on her breasts. Most places you would just ignore them unless they are a dominant feature, but this is marketed toward breast fetishists. Equally important, this is breast expansion and in any good transformation story to fully appreciate the after, the reader must have been introduced to the before.

08-03-2014	#3
Litch Level 13 Boobmancer Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 328	Re: Short story on the BE Grove Bill - firstly thanks for taking the time to read through and give your feedback, I hadn't expected such an informed response but it is appreciated. The points you've made are very valid and and good advice for future stories. As a writing novice I had an instinct that words were at a premium in the opening and it's good to know that I was on the right track and could have even been more active in my cutting back. In terms of the weak BE element I did feel this may be the case but stuck with its positioning for two reasons. The first being that I felt it would be disingenuous to the story if it happened at an earlier course due to the nature of the character / method of inflation but knew it may seem like I was putting the bimbo horse before the BE cart. The second was simply that I had faith that I could produce a decent BE story but wanted to test my mettle on a bimbo twist. The story (I hoped) would eventually be accompanied by more traditional variants so being bimbo centric wouldn't be such an issue. But anyway, thanks for the feedback - I'm glad you felt it was worth it to go through rather than just "write it off" so to speak __________________ Website: Breast Expansion Grove. DA: The Litch Deviance. Patreon: The BE Grove Patreon.

08-03-2014	#4
BillPratt 789th level Draco-Ninja Join Date: Dec 2013 Location: In my home. Posts: 2,047	Re: Short story on the BE Grove THe story was commented on because it was worth my time. Keep up the good work. You are correct. Diving right into the BE would be out of place and harmful to the story.

12-30-2014	#5
Litch Level 13 Boobmancer Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 328	Re: Short story on the BE Grove Hey guys, Given the year's coming to an end I figured I'd do a "year in review" for the stuff that's been created this year. If you haven't seen the site in a while (or ever) come on over and have a look see! __________________ Website: Breast Expansion Grove. DA: The Litch Deviance. Patreon: The BE Grove Patreon.