Help me if you can: comic script!

[LostHopeOfDusk]

First version removed

[Snowglare]

Well, there are many typos and errors, but the only ones worth pointing out are those that would be present in the final comic. Mainly, the dialogue needs serious work.

Originally Posted by LostHopeOfDusk

The doctor: Just your typical Mad scientific, very generic and with his face covered with a blue demon mask for dramatic purposes

Not sure this adds anything. Having read the entire script now, I see no mention whatsoever of the mask. It has no purpose, dramatic or otherwise.

Originally Posted by LostHopeOfDusk

Doctor: Dammit, why it doesn't work?

This should be "Dammit, why doesn't it work?"

Originally Posted by LostHopeOfDusk

(onomatopoeia) Knock! Knock! (place in the left at the bottom of the panel, next to the door)

I'm having trouble picturing this. From what angle are we seeing the room? It's hard to place a regular size door in "the bottom of the panel," so I'm not sure you'll be able to get across that the doctor speaks before we "hear" the knock at the door.

Originally Posted by LostHopeOfDusk

Page 2, panel 2 (first third of the page)

Nitpick: I think it would be clearer to restart the panel count with each page, making this "page 2, panel 1" and starting the next page with "page 3, panel 1."

Originally Posted by LostHopeOfDusk

Doctor: How you dare to interrupt one of my valuable experiments?

Should be "How dare you interrupt one of my valuable experiments!" It's not really a question.

Originally Posted by LostHopeOfDusk

LandLord: Whatever!

Not what I'd expect the typical landlord to say. Maybe you could have him detail how little he thinks of the doctor's so-called experiments or bring up a particular failed attempt from the past to rub in the doctor's face.

Originally Posted by LostHopeOfDusk

Doctor: It was the first steep to conquer the... err help to improve mankind!

Should be "It was the first step to conquer the... err, help to improve mankind." You could also drop "to improve;" the sentence works just as well without that.

Originally Posted by LostHopeOfDusk

LandLord: You haven't paid the rent in six months! And this evict order says you have to leave!

Should be "this eviction notice says," but I'd rewrite the whole sentence. Doesn't flow well. Better to have him say he's kicking the doctor out while holding up a paper that clearly reads "eviction notice."

Originally Posted by LostHopeOfDusk

LandLord: Hey, don't run away!

Again, this doesn't sound like something anyone would say in this situation. For starters, the doctor went back inside his house. That's not "running away." If you're keeping the mask, this might be a good time for the landlord to mention it, e.g. "Take that stupid mask off and look at me."

Originally Posted by LostHopeOfDusk

Doctor: I don't have time for this legal nonsense, my work must go on!

This is good.

Originally Posted by LostHopeOfDusk

LandLord: Just who do you think... ( then he notices the nurse taking her skirt off)

LandLord: Woah!

This part's fine, but you might want to put it in its own panel to better show the landlord's reaction. As it is, the best way to do this panel would be to draw the landlord's expression at the end, which makes the rest of the dialogue look a bit out of place. Alternatively, the artist could draw both expressions with a cartoonish action effect to show the quick change. Just a thought.

Originally Posted by LostHopeOfDusk

Doctor: You cant mess with science! (He smashes the LandLord head with a chair)

Cant should be can't.

Originally Posted by LostHopeOfDusk

Doctor: I had to, he was trying to interfere with science!

This gets a bit repetitive. The title's "Don't mess with science," the doctor says "you can't mess with science," and then he explains that "he was trying to interfere with science." I dunno, maybe he should just scream "SCIENCE!" and leave it at that. Still repetitive, but the craziness kinda balances it out.

Originally Posted by LostHopeOfDusk

Doctor: Don't worry, I got a plan!

Should be "I have a plan!"

Originally Posted by LostHopeOfDusk

Doctor: Mwuhahahahaha!

Should be either "Muhahahahaha!" or "Mwahahahahaha!" This is vital.

Originally Posted by LostHopeOfDusk

Doctor: Bwuhaha! Mwehehehehhehehe!

For the first laugh, any of "Buhaha," "Bwahaha" or "Bohaha" are acceptable. The second laugh is just silly.

Originally Posted by LostHopeOfDusk

Assistant: What? You have gone completely mad!

This might work better as a question (Have you gone completely mad?!). Otherwise, I'd start with "You've" instead of "You have" and maybe drop "completely."

Originally Posted by LostHopeOfDusk

Assistant: Wow this is so cool yo!

No comment.

Originally Posted by LostHopeOfDusk

Assistant: Wow! You are into furries too??

The "wow" here is unnecessary; we know she's surprised. The rest should be "You're into furries, too?" or simply "You're into furries?"

Originally Posted by LostHopeOfDusk

Doctor: Yes, you never asked... you know

Did you mean "now you know?" The last bit doesn't work as is.

Originally Posted by LostHopeOfDusk

Doctor: Your process is over, you are now an anthro bunny girl

Nothing about this sentence works. I'd scrap it and write something completely different. Why does he call the transformation a process? Why would anyone say "anthro" outside of the internet? Why is the doctor explaining what just happened in such plain terms? We, the audience, gain no new information, and I can't imagine why the doctor would care to keep his subject in the loop.

Originally Posted by LostHopeOfDusk

LandLord: What? You are kidding right?

This should either be "You're kidding, right?" or "You are kidding, right?" with an obvious emphasis on "are" to show that the speaker stresses that word and possibly an ellipsis (...) in place of the comma for a dramatic pause.

Originally Posted by LostHopeOfDusk

LandLord: Wait... what the hell I am doing?

Should be "what the hell am I doing?"

Originally Posted by LostHopeOfDusk

The LandLord is screaming, scared, insert ?The end?? in gooey pink letters at the left bottom of the page

I would place that at the bottom right, as that's the last place a Western reader's eyes will go.

Overall, it's a simple story that will live or die on the strength of its art. The most important thing in such a story, as far as writing goes, is to not kill the reader's immersion with mistakes and stilted dialogue. The entire thing could be silent and work just as well, provided the artist is good at drawing expressions.

[LostHopeOfDusk]

Originally Posted by Snowglare

The entire thing could be silent and work just as well, provided the artist is good at drawing expressions.

I beg you to please dont start a text vs art or art vs text war... the story is simple because is generic example.

Second version removed

[morwalugi]

I'd suggest sticking to the original script and giving it
the Gilbert and Sullivan "Cult comedy" treatment

[alter]

Originally Posted by LostHopeOfDusk

Page 1, panel 1: LandLord: I am kissing you out! (Shows a paper that clearly reads "eviction notice")

Nothing says "you're evicted!" like a good kissing out!

On a more serious note, the assistant's dialogue is a bit strange. She says "My hero!", then "Have you gone mad?", then "This is so cool!" as the transformation progresses. So she likes it, then doesn't, then does again.

[LostHopeOfDusk]

Originally Posted by alter

Nothing says "you're evicted!" like a good kissing out!

fixed it to hint he may be gay...

And the girl, she is a bimbo, her dialogue doesn't need to make sense, the first two lines are parodies of old movies, the last is a parody on “fan-doom”.

[LostHopeOfDusk]

i

[LostHopeOfDusk]

Ok, here it goes:

http://galeon.com/ms8bs/science.rtf