Sneak Preview of Meeting Their Standards.

[Beetlebomb]

Removed because of Soloferros trolling. If you would like to see my story when it's complete. Check http://mg-sg.pbwiki.com/FrontPage every once in a while. Thank you and I apologize for the inconvenience.

[soloferro]

The Kino tribe has always been proud of theirits women. They're great mothers, cooks, and their long legs made them the perfect hunters. try to rearrange this, mothers, cooks, and long legs aren't all occupations Sharing the same height average as their male counterparts(the males of the tribe?) "counterparts" is a bit wordy at 5"10', these tall women competed to be the perfect child-bearers.

Although, although != however The Kinos' had a veryawkward dark and ancient guidelineguideline? try say, taboo, or moratorium shrouded shrouded? what's wrong with hidden? underneath each and every female member of their tribe. Upon birth all Kino women were to abide to but one rule: maintain and develop the tribeswomens very being.

From the day that youthey are born into the tribe, and every birthday until you theydie, the Kino women are measured and inspected. If they did do not meet and eventually exceed their older generations beauty they were to be to be is okay, but not necessary executed and forgotten. It was a way of life, nothing more.

Their small village was in the middle of a giant humid jungle. The canopies only one canopy of the trees were their sky and the screeches of bickering monkeys at night were their owls. A bonfire lay encircled around straw mud huts. a fiery fence to restrain unwilling partners, eh? remind me never to go to a bacchanalia hosted by you They used the fire as a sign for their Mating Day or 'Ahckten' in their native language, as well as the monthly inspections of their women. They had called this the 'Koon-Swee'

The Tribe leader, Atto Thornvein, his name! it's english!was a brute brutal. brute= noun, brutal= adjectiveand emotionless man. He too was also? He too, would be used if you were talking about say, a group of people and said something like "joe had aids" "bob has three kids. he too, has aids" was the heir of many generations of the tribe's toughest and strongest fighters. He was the enforcer of all monthly and yearly you can take monthly and yearly out tribe events as well as the executioner for of the 'inadequate'.

Our story begins with a young girl named Lane at the age of six, waking up in her straw bed.

A She heard might be better, but it's up to youloud deep sound could be heard echoing in the distance. Today was Inspection day...


By all means don't let this stop you from writing. Just develop a greater appreciation for the POWER OF PROOFREADING (tm).

Toodles

EDIT: I forgot, I was going to make some joke about meeting my standards here.

[Beetlebomb]

I use Wordpad for writing since my computer has nothing better.

Thank you for taking the time in writing in all that, but I take this more as an insult then a helpful gesture. Every writer has his or her own way of how they explain their story and I have mine, whether it is correct or not.

When I said I would like to know what you think, I meant it as in the story itself. Not my grammar.

[soloferro]

Well, whatever, you asked for input and I gave it to you.

[Beetlebomb]

You really like to poke at people don't you? I've seen the other threads where you've made very strange comments that tick people off. Seriously, if you know you're going to say something that might agitate someone then please just don't say anything at all.

If anything you've made me want to stop contributing all together by judging my work. I'd appreciate it greatly if you didn't say anything further. Thank you.

[soloferro]

What kind of response is that? If you don't want people judging your work DON'T POST IT ON THE INTERNET!!!

You act like I've told your that your story is shit and that you should go kill yourself. I haven't! I just told you that you should proofread things before you post them. Not a big deal.

[Beetlebomb]

There's a big difference between "Your work is shit" and "What's wrong with it is this and this and this and that. Oh and you should probably move that to here"

In my opinion "Your work is shit" is lot easier to take. Please go bother other threads.

[soloferro]

Dude, you haven't yet earned the right to be a haughty, aloof writer. You still need to work on basic style and structure.

Your work is shit and your attitude is worse.

[BlazingBarrager]

Hey you can download Openoffice to use. It's free and it's awesome.

[humble.fool]

"Every writer has his or her own way of how they explain their story and I have mine, whether it is correct or not."

This is totally, completely wrong. Sorry. You're writing in English, and English has rules, and you can't just toss them out and say it's your "style." Picasso didn't start breaking the rules of composition and form right out the gate; first, he had to learn the old masters before experimenting.

Although Soloferro is a little overbearing, all his corrections in the second post are correct, and do, in fact, improve your story. I would suggest taking his advice.

[Bernardafigion]

Hilarious internet argument is hilarious.

[Lock]

OK, folks...Calm down.