I feel guilty

[Sephie]

My last girl friend was my first girlfriend. I was her first "boyfriend". This was before I came out of the closet on my gender identity, but I was well out of the closet on my orientation.

Taking a step back when growing up I always told myself I would get over the nagging feeling of not being the write gender when I got older. That did not happen. So I told myself I would get over it when I got a girlfriend/boyfriend, thought that that would set me straight.

My ex and I started dating on Valentines day. We had been friends before that. We lost our virginity to each other. Through out our relationship I frequently encountered the claim that "(My birth name), you are such a women" or occasionally "Gah, I am the guy in this relationship". After about four months we broke up, or more precisely she broke up with me. I could sorta understand some of the reasons for it (both of us had messed up family situations, loads of responsibility recently added, and I would occasionally get headaches (to be fair I was trying to kick caffeine)) but it still hurt. When I was trying to mend my feelings I finally gave up and admitted I was a woman. I came out to my closest friends, but when I was trying to come out to my ex she told me of one more reason she decided to end it; She felt that I was to much of a woman to be her boyfriend. Fast forward to the present and now I find that she has been fairly traumatized by our relationship (second hand but reliable sources). As explained to me: "Imagine the first boy you have sex with as a girl decides that they are not really a boy". It was worded better than that but you get the gist. I still harbor feelings for my ex but I am a bit to prideful and hurt at the moment (over nine months after the breakup) to really talk to her in a meaningful conversation.