My sister is having an affair

Rachel Bronwyn · 12-31-2013

I’m sad for everyone involved.

Her current partner is a step up from the previous one in some respects. The bf of eight years was very emotionally abusive. She was a shell of a person well into her twenties, being involved with a dude who isolated and controlled her. It took her a few shots before she got away from him but did. Maybe a year and a bit later she was involved with this one. He’s nice to her. Huge improvement.

Initially, it seemed great. They enjoyed one another and the fam enjoyed him. Big sister had mentioned he struggled with his mood though and was reluctant to do anything to manage it. I guess none of us realised just how serious she was. She went on vacation to the West Indies with a girlfriend. He stayed at her place, caring for the cat. When she got back, to her surprise, he didn't leave. This was the beginning of the end. What we didn’t know is prior to living together, he hadn’t worked. At all. The reasoning goes he’s got this mood disorder which is exacerbated by work and manifests as IBS, making working impossible. So, big sister not only has a boyfriend she didn’t ask to live with her living with her but he’s depending on her financially. She’s very laid back/easy going/tolerant. As a result, she tolerates these kinds of relationships longer than I. Anyways, shortly after his moving in she became unemployed and went from making great money relatively speaking to making nothing. He did not work during this time. As her frustration snowballed we discovered he not only didn’t work but he didn’t help around the house either. In fact, he made a terrible mess of it, which he did not clean up. Think spilling 2L bottles of Coca Cola on the living room floor and leaving it to dry. He didn’t cook. His weed habit was costing her a LOT and she was not getting much when she was unemployed and living on the employment insurance she’d accrued over the years. He stayed home with the cat, made messes, played video games and smoked a LOT of weed while she looked for work. It wasn’t until after she’d kicked him out and he beat the shit out of her that she told us he also had a child he hadn’t seen in seven years.

A few months go by and he expresses remorse. She lets him back in. By all accounts he does understand assaulting her was unacceptable. I believe he won’t do it again. He still isn’t working though. He’s still sitting around her apartment with the cat, smoking weed, playing video games and failing to be a parent to his child. She’s frustrated but she does love him and in some respects they are compatible and she’s invested so much in the relationship that she’d like to see it work. That and the last time she told him she couldn’t afford to support him any longer and he needed to leave he told her he couldn’t afford transportation to his mom’s place so she’d have to pay for it, which she couldn’t at the time so she folded and he’s still there.

Time rolls on and she somehow gets chitchatting with a civil rights lawyer in New York State who’s in the process of legally separating from his wife. He’s about twenty years older than her with a couple young kids and a previous life as a rock star. They start spending time. He proceeds with his separation, moving towards divorce. Wife moves out. She’s still got a boyfriend. He’s still dependent on her. Other dudes flies out to see her. They spend more time, discover they get along real nice like. He offers to fly her out to live with him, says they can have a couple kids and she doesn’t have to work. She still has a boyfriend at home, presumably eating gummy bears and playing Call of Duty.

She had the full scale WHAT HAVE I DONE/GOT MYSELF INTO meltdown this afternoon. Saying she’d love if it could work out with the boyfriend because she’s invested so much and loves him and they really are alright together in some respects. She’s in really deep with the other guy though. Even if she does want out of the first relationship, which she’s not entirely sure of, she doesn’t know how to get out. She feels sick and hates herself. At the end of the day, several people are going to be very hurt by this, regardless of the outcome. It’s sad.

Despite everything she’s done wrong, I have trouble condemning my sister or anyone in her situation. It’s entirely unenviable.

I don’t know if I’m trying to accomplish anything with this post. I needed to unload though.

danielsangeo · 12-31-2013

I'd offer advice, but I'm not sure that's really what you're looking for so...

*hugs*

vincent_richter · 12-31-2013

I will never understand people who use stomach irritations - IBS, acid reflux (I have both those fuckers btw) - to shirk the requirement of funding one's lifestyle. I have a buddy who does that shit - mouths off to the 'rents, refuses to do household chores - and I wonder why he can't find anyone.

Seriously though - if their relationship is only going to further fuel his spiral into oblivion, get his ass cab fare and a decent explanation that he needs to fix himself if he expects to be "her only." Respect, as they say, is a two-way street - and he's given your sis shit-all in that regard.

Honestly, if Bozo shat on your floor, would you thank him for the experience?

zullumaster · 01-04-2014

I'm of the mindset, where if the only real explanation as to why you're in a relationship that's abusive or not working out, and the all you can say to justify why you're still in that relationship is but I "love" them or I can fix them, then its time for you to get out of that relationship.
Now despite boyfriend #1 sounding like a jerk, cheating on him isn't really the answer either. This guy has some serious emotional issues, and this could just be fueling his next big outburst.
Now I've never really been in any sort of relationship, so I can't say anything from experience, and really don't know any party involved. But If I were her, I'd probably break up with boyfriend #1, but not necessarily go running off with boyfriend #2. Now this may be the fact that people in relationships I find incredibly annoying (Like people who cheat having multiple sig others and I have none? c'mon) But I'd argue that there needs to be some time for herself and soul searching too.

12-31-2013	#3
vincent_richter ミンナニナイショダヨ Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: St. Canard Posts: 6,091	Re: My sister is having an affair I will never understand people who use stomach irritations - IBS, acid reflux (I have both those fuckers btw) - to shirk the requirement of funding one's lifestyle. I have a buddy who does that shit - mouths off to the 'rents, refuses to do household chores - and I wonder why he can't find anyone. Seriously though - if their relationship is only going to further fuel his spiral into oblivion, get his ass cab fare and a decent explanation that he needs to fix himself if he expects to be "her only." Respect, as they say, is a two-way street - and he's given your sis shit-all in that regard. Honestly, if Bozo shat on your floor, would you thank him for the experience? __________________ If you're not outraged, you're not paying attention.

01-04-2014	#4
zullumaster Process Disciple Join Date: Jun 2007 Posts: 2,224	Re: My sister is having an affair I'm of the mindset, where if the only real explanation as to why you're in a relationship that's abusive or not working out, and the all you can say to justify why you're still in that relationship is but I "love" them or I can fix them, then its time for you to get out of that relationship. Now despite boyfriend #1 sounding like a jerk, cheating on him isn't really the answer either. This guy has some serious emotional issues, and this could just be fueling his next big outburst. Now I've never really been in any sort of relationship, so I can't say anything from experience, and really don't know any party involved. But If I were her, I'd probably break up with boyfriend #1, but not necessarily go running off with boyfriend #2. Now this may be the fact that people in relationships I find incredibly annoying (Like people who cheat having multiple sig others and I have none? c'mon) But I'd argue that there needs to be some time for herself and soul searching too.

12-31-2013	#1
Rachel Bronwyn Banned Join Date: Oct 2008 Posts: 4,002	My sister is having an affair I’m sad for everyone involved. Her current partner is a step up from the previous one in some respects. The bf of eight years was very emotionally abusive. She was a shell of a person well into her twenties, being involved with a dude who isolated and controlled her. It took her a few shots before she got away from him but did. Maybe a year and a bit later she was involved with this one. He’s nice to her. Huge improvement. Initially, it seemed great. They enjoyed one another and the fam enjoyed him. Big sister had mentioned he struggled with his mood though and was reluctant to do anything to manage it. I guess none of us realised just how serious she was. She went on vacation to the West Indies with a girlfriend. He stayed at her place, caring for the cat. When she got back, to her surprise, he didn't leave. This was the beginning of the end. What we didn’t know is prior to living together, he hadn’t worked. At all. The reasoning goes he’s got this mood disorder which is exacerbated by work and manifests as IBS, making working impossible. So, big sister not only has a boyfriend she didn’t ask to live with her living with her but he’s depending on her financially. She’s very laid back/easy going/tolerant. As a result, she tolerates these kinds of relationships longer than I. Anyways, shortly after his moving in she became unemployed and went from making great money relatively speaking to making nothing. He did not work during this time. As her frustration snowballed we discovered he not only didn’t work but he didn’t help around the house either. In fact, he made a terrible mess of it, which he did not clean up. Think spilling 2L bottles of Coca Cola on the living room floor and leaving it to dry. He didn’t cook. His weed habit was costing her a LOT and she was not getting much when she was unemployed and living on the employment insurance she’d accrued over the years. He stayed home with the cat, made messes, played video games and smoked a LOT of weed while she looked for work. It wasn’t until after she’d kicked him out and he beat the shit out of her that she told us he also had a child he hadn’t seen in seven years. A few months go by and he expresses remorse. She lets him back in. By all accounts he does understand assaulting her was unacceptable. I believe he won’t do it again. He still isn’t working though. He’s still sitting around her apartment with the cat, smoking weed, playing video games and failing to be a parent to his child. She’s frustrated but she does love him and in some respects they are compatible and she’s invested so much in the relationship that she’d like to see it work. That and the last time she told him she couldn’t afford to support him any longer and he needed to leave he told her he couldn’t afford transportation to his mom’s place so she’d have to pay for it, which she couldn’t at the time so she folded and he’s still there. Time rolls on and she somehow gets chitchatting with a civil rights lawyer in New York State who’s in the process of legally separating from his wife. He’s about twenty years older than her with a couple young kids and a previous life as a rock star. They start spending time. He proceeds with his separation, moving towards divorce. Wife moves out. She’s still got a boyfriend. He’s still dependent on her. Other dudes flies out to see her. They spend more time, discover they get along real nice like. He offers to fly her out to live with him, says they can have a couple kids and she doesn’t have to work. She still has a boyfriend at home, presumably eating gummy bears and playing Call of Duty. She had the full scale WHAT HAVE I DONE/GOT MYSELF INTO meltdown this afternoon. Saying she’d love if it could work out with the boyfriend because she’s invested so much and loves him and they really are alright together in some respects. She’s in really deep with the other guy though. Even if she does want out of the first relationship, which she’s not entirely sure of, she doesn’t know how to get out. She feels sick and hates herself. At the end of the day, several people are going to be very hurt by this, regardless of the outcome. It’s sad. Despite everything she’s done wrong, I have trouble condemning my sister or anyone in her situation. It’s entirely unenviable. I don’t know if I’m trying to accomplish anything with this post. I needed to unload though.

12-31-2013	#2
danielsangeo Process Moderator Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 2,908	Re: My sister is having an affair I'd offer advice, but I'm not sure that's really what you're looking for so... hugs __________________ Tell me, where in the world is Daniel Sandiego?