I feel guilty

[Sephie]

My last girl friend was my first girlfriend. I was her first "boyfriend". This was before I came out of the closet on my gender identity, but I was well out of the closet on my orientation.

Taking a step back when growing up I always told myself I would get over the nagging feeling of not being the write gender when I got older. That did not happen. So I told myself I would get over it when I got a girlfriend/boyfriend, thought that that would set me straight.

My ex and I started dating on Valentines day. We had been friends before that. We lost our virginity to each other. Through out our relationship I frequently encountered the claim that "(My birth name), you are such a women" or occasionally "Gah, I am the guy in this relationship". After about four months we broke up, or more precisely she broke up with me. I could sorta understand some of the reasons for it (both of us had messed up family situations, loads of responsibility recently added, and I would occasionally get headaches (to be fair I was trying to kick caffeine)) but it still hurt. When I was trying to mend my feelings I finally gave up and admitted I was a woman. I came out to my closest friends, but when I was trying to come out to my ex she told me of one more reason she decided to end it; She felt that I was to much of a woman to be her boyfriend. Fast forward to the present and now I find that she has been fairly traumatized by our relationship (second hand but reliable sources). As explained to me: "Imagine the first boy you have sex with as a girl decides that they are not really a boy". It was worded better than that but you get the gist. I still harbor feelings for my ex but I am a bit to prideful and hurt at the moment (over nine months after the breakup) to really talk to her in a meaningful conversation.

[Clickme]

Pride can lead to a lot of sorrow. I mean, I can honestly say I've never been in your situation, nor even a similar one, but I have been a victim of pride. It can really start to mess you up once you start keeping feelings and words inside. Eventually you stop even trying to get those words out, and they build up, until you don't even know why you have so many unsaid words inside you.

As hard as it may be, I think the best thing to do is to talk to someone, even if it's not her about it. Of course, I'm betting that's why this thread exists. I'm glad you're talking to someone at least and getting those words out.

[Nihtgenga]

Ooh dear.

[mercury01]

I had a similar experience with my first (and thus far, longest-lasting) GF. She knew I had transgender urges, but she didn't like talking about it... In the beginning of the relationship, I think she thought it was cute, but when I told her I was serious, she cried.

She was quite homophobic, I think. On any of the occasions that we talked about my being TG, she would give me ultimatums and stuff; she wouldn't acknowledge us being together if I ever dressed up outside the house, any children that we may have in the future must never know, etc.

I know it's tough right now... It took me more than a year to get over our breakup. And that was after I'd seen her dating someone else.

If you ever need someone to talk to, HOB, just ask.

[Xtrem]

Well, what to say ? Out of you discussing the subject with other lesbian girls, we can't really help you, HOB.

I'm 100% straight guy, and I'm just open-minded. I'm OK with talking normal stuff about girl-girl or guy-guy relationships, but if you wanna go deeper, me or some other hetero person won't be able to get what you wanna tell.

I don't want to hurt you, but this is just a warning : very few people will understand what you have in mind, and even fewer will certainly want to talk with you about it.

Now, just my point of view : you can't suppress your natural instincts. Which means, if you're a lesbian girl who wants to be a boy, you can't suppress in your mind the fact you're a girl and that your body was designed to go with a guy and not a girl. You can fight all you want, you're biologically programmed that way. That is true for you and for her.

Talking with her won't help : it won't be licking each other wounds, it'll look more like you'll both be pouring salt on them. Still my opinion and based on my life conception, sure, but hey, love doesn't solve everything. I've experimented it the hard way with the only girl I ever loved in my life.

Final point : don't mix pride and relationship. One of the worst mix ever. Just go enjoy life your way without her. You don't need to feel guilty for something you triggered without doing anything special.

[Rachel Bronwyn]

Whatever you do, do NOT engage this person in dialogue prior to dealing with leftover feelings from the relationship.

Being traumatised by having dated a trans-gal is a choice. There are many other ways to respond to the situation. I hung out with a couple guys who more or less used me to solidify their homosexuality. My friends rip on me for being manly enough for gays to get with and suggested I turned men gay. Initially I was pretty mortified and thought the only people I could ever attract would be butch lesbians and closetted gay men, drawn to characteristics of mine that are traditionally associated with "manliness". Luckily, lots of males don't subscribe to social constructions of gender. I've got one who hasn't any interest in my being submissive to him and isn't threatened by my strength and directness, values his emotions, can be incredibly gentle and nurturing (probably a better parent in that regard than I) and is perfectly secure in his masculinity. I feel decidedly feminine despite fitting nearly none of the characteristics socially associated with my sex and gender.

I'd never suggest someone deny their feelings. If a woman is uncomfortable with having dated a biological male who identified as female, they're entitled to that emotional response. It's their responsibility to examine why they feel that way though and deal with it. I certainly don't expect the gay guys I dated to apologise to me or make me feel less masculine. Goodness knows, they didn't lie to me any more than they lied to themselves.

[Jecilyn]

Originally Posted by Rachel Bronwyn

Whatever you do, do NOT engage this person in dialogue prior to dealing with leftover feelings from the relationship.

Being traumatised by having dated a trans-gal is a choice. There are many other ways to respond to the situation.

I'd never suggest someone deny their feelings. If a woman is uncomfortable with having dated a biological male who identified as female, they're entitled to that emotional response. It's their responsibility to examine why they feel that way though and deal with it.

All very very good points from Rachel. Remember, that you may have spent a while coming to terms with things, it doesn't mean they have. It can be as much a transition for the people around you as it can be for you. Especially if they have invested time and emotion into the 'you' they thought they knew.

Not everybody can cope with it, no matter how much they may want to.

[mercury01]

Originally Posted by Jecilyn

All very very good points. Remember, that you may have spent a while coming to terms with things, it doesn't mean they have. It can be as much a transition for the people around you as it can be for you. Especially if they have invested time and emotion into the 'you' they thought they knew.

You're referring to transitioning, I presume...

Ironically, that's exactly how it went when my girlfriend decided to break up with me. She'd already made up her mind months before, so she'd started distancing herself from me. I picked up on it after a while and when I confronted her, she told me.

[Jecilyn]

Originally Posted by mercury01

You're referring to transitioning, I presume...

Ironically, that's exactly how it went when my girlfriend decided to break up with me. She'd already made up her mind months before, so she'd started distancing herself from me. I picked up on it after a while and when I confronted her, she told me.

Partly yes.

Also the process people go through, the realising...the questioning etc...it can ( but not always) take quite some time for someone to be certain of who they really are. Not everyone else has had the same time to deal with that revelation when it comes...

[sodacat]

I wonder if they make hallmark cards for 'Just wanted to let you know, you weren't the one to turn me gay.'

They should.

[LookAtIt]

You need a partner who loves you for your brains!


Brains!

[Rachel Bronwyn]

Originally Posted by LookAtIt

You need a partner who loves you for your brains!


Brains!

But not that much.