Need criticism

[scarletwhite]

Hi, I have written with Arania 12 wonderful fairytales, she's a coathor and 100% illustrator and all of the stories I have worked with her are on her site under scarletwhite's fairy tales.

Anyway, I have 6 other stories I want to commision with her in written format, but I'm deciding which one is the best beforehand. I posted the first, Lucky, on fur affinity

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/17314547/

I need criticism

Note: Since the transformation itself is going to be graphical it is not very detailed in the narration, but it's going to be detailed in the comic

[Amahain]

It's getting late, so I can't really offer detailed critique at this time.

Overall, I like it. A good original fairy tale. Good pacing and written in a story-teller's style. There were one or two sentences that were phrased a little awkwardly for me (eg. "And while the man was so poor he barely could scrape together enough food to feed himself"; "could barely" rather than "barely could" sounds a bit better to my ear). I'm also not a huge fan of "once upon a time" as an opening, even if it is a fairy tale, but that's just a subjective stylistic choice.

(Tangential, but here's an interesting read that came to mind:

http://airshipdaily.com/blog/06242014-origin-of-cliches )

On another note, I've enjoyed several of the illustrated tales on Arania's site, so nice work!

[matteso586]

You want somebody to criticize you? You're crazy.

[scarletwhite]

Thank you amahain for the insight, Im glad you like most of it.

Matteso586, I need this criticism since commisioning takes me several months and a great monetary investment, I want to be positive that the story its a winnewer so to speak, I have still other 5 word stories that I need feedback to know if they are good before I start the commision

[matteso586]

Originally Posted by scarletwhite

Thank you amahain for the insight, Im glad you like most of it.

Matteso586, I need this criticism since commisioning takes me several months and a great monetary investment, I want to be positive that the story its a winnewer so to speak, I have still other 5 word stories that I need feedback to know if they are good before I start the commision

Last time I checked, criticism means negative.

[scarletwhite]

Sorry, english is not my native language matteso586, what is a better word for a constructive sort of opinion?

[Ironhorse]

Originally Posted by matteso586

Last time I checked, criticism means negative.

No, you are just using the negative connotation. To critique or provide criticism does not require a negative tone. You can give a positive critique.