![]() |
![]() |
#1 |
Lurker
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 13
|
Need criticism
Hi, I have written with Arania 12 wonderful fairytales, she's a coathor and 100% illustrator and all of the stories I have worked with her are on her site under scarletwhite's fairy tales.
Anyway, I have 6 other stories I want to commision with her in written format, but I'm deciding which one is the best beforehand. I posted the first, Lucky, on fur affinity https://www.furaffinity.net/view/17314547/ I need criticism Note: Since the transformation itself is going to be graphical it is not very detailed in the narration, but it's going to be detailed in the comic |
![]() |
![]() |
![]() |
#2 |
Process Master
Join Date: Feb 2006
Posts: 732
|
Re: Need criticism
It's getting late, so I can't really offer detailed critique at this time.
Overall, I like it. A good original fairy tale. Good pacing and written in a story-teller's style. There were one or two sentences that were phrased a little awkwardly for me (eg. "And while the man was so poor he barely could scrape together enough food to feed himself"; "could barely" rather than "barely could" sounds a bit better to my ear). I'm also not a huge fan of "once upon a time" as an opening, even if it is a fairy tale, but that's just a subjective stylistic choice. (Tangential, but here's an interesting read that came to mind: http://airshipdaily.com/blog/06242014-origin-of-cliches ) On another note, I've enjoyed several of the illustrated tales on Arania's site, so nice work!
__________________
Shameless self-promotion: http://www.furaffinity.net/user/amahain/ Last edited by Amahain; 08-06-2015 at 07:49 PM. |
![]() |
![]() |
![]() |
#3 |
Frequent Poster
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 179
|
Re: Need criticism
You want somebody to criticize you? You're crazy.
|
![]() |
![]() |
![]() |
#4 |
Lurker
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 13
|
Re: Need criticism
Thank you amahain for the insight, Im glad you like most of it.
Matteso586, I need this criticism since commisioning takes me several months and a great monetary investment, I want to be positive that the story its a winnewer so to speak, I have still other 5 word stories that I need feedback to know if they are good before I start the commision |
![]() |
![]() |
![]() |
#5 | |
Frequent Poster
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 179
|
Re: Need criticism
Quote:
|
|
![]() |
![]() |
![]() |
#6 |
Lurker
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 13
|
Re: Need criticism
Sorry, english is not my native language matteso586, what is a better word for a constructive sort of opinion?
|
![]() |
![]() |
![]() |
#7 |
Would be Evil Mastermind
Join Date: May 2006
Location: The Salt Mines of Detroit
Posts: 464
|
Re: Need criticism
No, you are just using the negative connotation. To critique or provide criticism does not require a negative tone. You can give a positive critique.
|
![]() |
![]() |
![]() |
|
|