Pandora Pox

[Thrythlind]

Link to first attempt at a chapter...

some TF, mostly explaining how things happened

http://thryth.webs.com/pandorapox1.htm

[frice2000]

This isn't bad. Can tell you're coming at it from your fanfiction/anime background though which is where the stories weak points were most obvious. First the good, interesting story set and sketches of interesting main characters. Also interesting plot element that really can serve to grow into an urban fantasyish plot that I wouldn't be surprised to see sold in said bookstore section.

There were quite a few problems though. First and most glaring setting. Character descriptions and motivations were adequate for what I imagine to be a sketch chapter. Setting though not getting it. We've got political and world building yes but placement of characters in this world with a description of their surroundings almost totally blank. Generic house, train station, factory all needed more grounding as they felt nebulous at best. Assume your used to the cheat of having setting already established in your fics so this was very apparent as being missing comparatively. Next problem was this really feels like a manga/anime rather then a western professional novel or non-professional story. This is a little hard to reconcile since the tone feels a bit too western but the acts therein a bit too eastern slapstick comedyish. Kind of need to narrow your focus/style.

All in all was pretty enjoyable. Just really need to work on separating yourself a bit from your great fanfics though as there are lots of habits and laziness that field let's you get away with that just makes for a far less sophisticated story. Wouldn't be surprised if you didn't get much interest from this forum as most folks are much more into the x rated transformation elements then what you're working with here. I wouldn't of likely kept reading the story with the very mangaesque start were it not for my familiarity with your fanfics.

Oh another quick note...All those links that lead to what I suspect were supposed to be headers just go to a 404 so you might have lost some folks that clicked on one of those thinking it was down.

I would like to see more of this but it needs some work and maybe a bit of a different structure to make it more compelling. A move into a more limited and detailed first person perspective that's more linearly structured would help ground events a bit and likely greatly help the story.

[LostHopeOfDusk]

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