BESC As You Wish

[EchoWing]

Hey all. Not sure if any of you are interested, but a little bit ago, the BESC published another prose story from little old me entitled "As You Wish". In the interest of me writing much better fetish-related fiction, I'm here to ask for feedback.

So, thoughts?

...also, don't be surprised if more stuff from me shows up there soon. I'm still waiting for them to publish a couple comics and a second prose piece in the near-future.

[shadow4755]

not to be a jerk but a link would be nice

[Fake_Name]

Originally Posted by shadow4755

not to be a jerk but a link would be nice

It's pay-only.

[Dynamoob]

Was actually planning on reading it today. I'll get back to you.

[Dynamoob]

Just read it, thought it was OK.

The story-telling could use some work, as far as character development and plotting are concerned, and I felt the whole genie aspect could have completely been removed. The emphasis of the story was on the body-altering iPhone app, and probably should have let that concept stand on its own and carry the story.

The BE is a bit insignificant to the story: it isn't at all the focal point it should be, but rather as something that just happens in passing as the narrative progresses.

Also, your prose is very matter-of-fact, just announcing events as they occur without pausing to expand or delve into key events. It should take some time, build tension and intrigue, and elaborate on the characters (what they're thinking and how they're feeling) to help better connect the reader the the situations being described. Otherwise you don't really get the emotional and sexual payoff that readers look for in erotic fiction.

[Bobking11]

I read it, very good, has a lot of potential, however, there was very little expansion. The ammount of amazing sexual experiences they could have had with that remote could have filled all those pages but it hardly got mention.

Next time, focus more on the expansion and less on the story telling.

[EchoWing]

Originally Posted by Dynamoob

Just read it, thought it was OK.

The story-telling could use some work, as far as character development and plotting are concerned, and I felt the whole genie aspect could have completely been removed. The emphasis of the story was on the body-altering iPhone app, and probably should have let that concept stand on its own and carry the story.

The BE is a bit insignificant to the story: it isn't at all the focal point it should be, but rather as something that just happens in passing as the narrative progresses.

Also, your prose is very matter-of-fact, just announcing events as they occur without pausing to expand or delve into key events. It should take some time, build tension and intrigue, and elaborate on the characters (what they're thinking and how they're feeling) to help better connect the reader the the situations being described. Otherwise you don't really get the emotional and sexual payoff that readers look for in erotic fiction.

Yeah, sorry. I tend to be more focused on simplicity of storytelling than elaborating on details; my own poor attempt at avoiding needless purple prose, I suppose.

I'll freely admit that there's a lot of potential in just the uChange by itself, and I'm planning on doing another story focused around that, albeit with different characters entirely.

Originally Posted by bobking11

I read it, very good, has a lot of potential, however, there was very little expansion. The ammount of amazing sexual experiences they could have had with that remote could have filled all those pages but it hardly got mention.

Next time, focus more on the expansion and less on the story telling.

I'll try to do that, thanks.

[EchoWing]

Another heads-up, they've published another prose submission of mine. Be warned, "Pranked With A Kiss" was written a few years back and submitted back in 2009. No clue why it took so long to get published, but my guess is management issues.

Anyway, thoughts?