A Moment Forever (TG, AP) (Complete)

[wandering_spirit]

Originally Posted by Dragon

I would deem it excellent. There's some wording issues that you'll want to clear up on any subsequent revisions, but it didn't really detract from the story. I am a little put off by the 'bad father' bit, as well. Seems a little too over-the-top from both his standpoint and the narrator's. I would like it if Yurix's reaction were a little more constrained since you don't live for thousands of years without learning patience. Still the anger is fine, just a little less. The TG and AP are just the right length, but the new story given to "Nikki" is a bit cliched any more. So you're a woman-hater? Well, I'll just turn you into a hooker.
Anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed the story. Well done.

Yeah, I figured that. Must've read too many TG fics.

As for Yurix' patience... well... considering that one of my first role-play 'names', I put myself in my own shoes. If I had the power to set things right, even if it was... retribution, in lack of better words... I might've went for something like it.

Still... what would be a good way to break the 'clich?s'?

[Tinn]

Originally Posted by wandering_spirit

Still... what would be a good way to break the 'clich?s'?

Ooh, that's a hard one.

Clich?s aren't bad in and of themselves. They're actually really useful to authors, since they build audience expectations, which can then be more easily fulfilled or subverted. Plus, going too far outside of clich? can leave an audience feeling confused, or worse, feeling that each event in the story came out of nowhere as a deus ex machina.

On the other hand, the problem with overusing clich? is that the audience feels they're seeing nothing new.
That's what Dragon found with your story, I believe. The idea of using forced prostitution as a punishment for abusing women has been done a lot, so there has to be something added to the mix that fits just as well as the clich?, but is nonetheless interesting to the reader.

Every writer is an individual, of course, so there's no one-size-fits all approach, but I'd reccomend finding another way of playing with the reader's expectations than fulfilling them.
In your story, for instance, you could could even use the same clich? as before - but written from a different perspective that makes the reader react to it with interest and emotion, rather than thinking 'Oh, another postitute vengence transformation.'

[wandering_spirit]

I'll keep that in mind.

Now, I just need to find some ideas to work on. I don't mean requests, but more like suggestions. I've got a bit of a dry spell, right now.

BTW, I think you're right about that part. Thing is, I normally wouldn't hurt anyone unless provoked, and when I do hurt someone, it ends up on my conscience for a while. However, when I end up angry, which rarely happens, I can end up hurting anyone. Most of the time, sadness or irritation happens rather than anger.