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Unread 01-02-2006   #1
Captain Ash
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Post [Story] >> The Enchanted Sorceress <<

NEWS:
I have decided to rewrite my story.
So please start to read the improved story, beginning with the first chapter on page 2, post # 18 or follow directly this link:
Chapter 1: The Spellbound Disguise !


The Enchanted Sorceress
By Captain Ash

Hi folks,
I thought to write an AR-story.
Before you reading without knowing what about this story is all about;
I give you a little summary about the content, so you wont't regret it, if it isn’t your taste of AR.

The tale starts about the evil sorceress called “The Mistress of Darkness”.
She is the empress of the Orc-Hordes that tyrannise the bordering kingdoms.
In order to stop her, a bunch of heroes tries to sneak through the empress territory and to defeat her.
These fellows are: the mage Mandrik, the knight Asgor and the elf Ronor.
But with all their bravery, the heroes don’t know the castle, the secret hideout of the empress.
So they are forces to team up with the dark sorceress Azura, who can fell the dark aura of the empress with the power of her magical necklace.
Unfortunately, the Mistress of Darkness is aware of their plan and tries to steal the necklace, so the fellowship cannot find her secret castle and she can increase her power.
The evil sorceress knew that her stupid Orc-hordes cannot find them, once they are in her territory and tries to get the necklace herself, before they can enter their quest.
But in order to not get noticed by Azura and to hide her aura, she transforms herself into a 9-year old girl.
That’s all for now, more I shall not talk.


How you could read, the story is taking place in a fantasy-world.
I personally think, that there are to less AR-stories which have medieval/fantasy-elements though they would be suited for.

However, enjoy the reading.
Here we go:

CHAPTAR 1: The spellbound disguise

In the castle the brushes on the floor done by the maid could be heard … well, maid is maybe not the right word, the most suitable word fitting for it would be slave, since this evil witch conquered this kingdom and forced this poor village-girl to work for her.
Day for day she has to clean, wash, preparing dinner and doing everything here.
She hates this place! If she could, she would leave this damn castle.
However, to her misfortune the castle lies between insurmountable mountains and additional to the fact that it was icy cold outside.
The maid looked at her bare feet; she wouldn’t even made two steps before they are frozen to ice-cubes.
Why have I to do this all by myself, she wondered.
Except her, the maid was the only staff in this castle. The empress seems to have fun, watching her working until to exhaustion.

While she was pity herself, she notices a shadow, but not the one of the sorceress; it had the shape of a little child.
When she turned around, she really saw a girl in front of her.
The girl had untidy short bright-brown hair and half-dark eyes and was wearing a filthy rag and shabby sandals.

>> Who are you, girl? << asked the maid, while she stood up from the floor.
>> Huh! You mean me? << responded the girl surprised, obvious the maid caught her at sneaking.
>> Don’t make a fool of me, you lil’ brat! Or do you see here another girl? << shouted the maid.
>> If so … uhmm, << thought the girl loudly, >> I’m the new maid. <<
>> So, you are the new made! << says the maid sceptically.
>> Yes, the empress took me today in duty. <<
>> Don’t lie! << answered back the maid angrily and putting her hands demandingly on her waist, >> as I have told you before: don’t take me for a fool! If the mistress would have taken a new maid, she would have told me. <<
The handmaid was sorrowed. What would the empress say that a child just have entered the castle unnoticed?

Suddenly the girl began to giggle.
>> What’s so funny? << asked the maid.
>> Don’t you recognise me? << spoke the girl, while the maid looked puzzled, >> It’s me, you stupid slut, your mistress! <<
>> You … << stutter the maid.
She couldn’t believe that this pertly girl was the evil sorceress and took shocked her hands of her waist.
>> Sure it’s me! << jeered the girl with an arrogant self-confidence, such like the empress was used to do it.
Before the maid could say a word, her mistress said: >> You see, I have changed myself into a child! <<
>> But why is my mistress turning back to a girl? << asked the maid curiously.
>> Of course you can’t know that. << responded she with a bored look. >> The foolish King and his dim noblemen thought, they could send a handful of their merely men through my realm and dispose me, in hope to avoid to be overrun by my Orc-hordes.
Desperate as they are, they beg this non-for-good dark sorceress Azura for feeling my aura and leading them to me! Maybe she thinks she could beat me with the help of those jerks. <<
>> How do you know that? << wondering the maid.
The sorceress giggled again. >> It is just simple as easy! I have my spies everywhere. And what my spies cannot hear and see, the birds do! <<

The maid nodded her head to make a clever impression, trying to show that she could follow her mistress words.
>> So you see, << continued her mistress, >> my Orcs are reliable to devastate whole kingdoms, but they are stupid like weed to find anyone even if their lives would depend on it. Especially under the protection of the huge woods, in which hardly someone could be scouted in such a large area. <<
>> And what has it to do being a girl again? <<
>> As you can imagine, I have to put things on my own hands. This sloppy sorceress gains her power from a magical artefact: an enchanted necklace.
If I get this necklace on my hands, my power would even increase.
Besides, to avoid that she feel my magical aura before I get that artefact, I will go as a girl.
Without the artefact, this Azura is not only useless; they can search for eternity till they have found my castle. <<
>> Isn’t running being a girl not too dangerous? <<
>> Yes, there is a risk, << replied the girl, >> but if even you couldn’t recognize me in this form, as you have just now proven, nobody will. <<
>> Will you have any magic power left, if you are a girl? <<
>> What do you think why I have turned into one! I won’t have any witchery, for that reason I need an antidote turning to normal. <<
>> Does it mean that you are nothing but an ordinary girl right now? << wonders the maid.
>> Otherwise I couldn’t get rid of my dark aura; children aren’t gifted with magic, except on some situations. << explains the girl. >> I am getting bored being stuck in this body. When I turned into a girl, I put the antidote on a shelf I cannot reach. Make yourself useful a get it to me! <<

A thought went through the maids mind. Maybe it was her chance to overwhelming her tormentress, as long as she was helpless like a pesky girl.
>> Well little lady, the hell I will do anything to you! << treated the maid and took again her hands menacing on her waist.
>> What! You disobey me. I am your mistress, you unthankful lazy chunk. << her imperious young voice just sounded ridiculous.
>> Not anymore you naughty little girl. << defied the maid and walked toward the helpless girl. >> Come here so that you can get what you deserve. <<
>> No! << shouted the girl and tried to run away, but it was too late.
The maid grabbed her arm.
>> Now I pay you everything back, what you have done to me! << threatened she.
The girl looked scared and shouted: >> NIAGA TLUDA NA EM NRUT, MA I ELTTIL! <<

Then the girl’s arm was getting bigger, also her whole body began to grow and with the size, her rag started to rip. The mistress hair began to become longer and darker.
Soon the girl was even taller than her maid.
This whole process needed not more than a few moments.
In front of the surprised maid, there was her naked mistress.
>> So, << the ice-cold voice of the mistress resounds. >> What did you wanted to do with me? <<
>> I … I am sorry, my mistress. I didn’t mean it. << begged the maid.
>> Of course, << responded the dark queen unforgiving, << though I tricked you a little. I wasn’t really a girl; I merely changed my body so I still had my power. However, to teach you a lesson, you disloyal snipe, I will turn yourself into a little brat therefore you seem to like girls. <<
The sorceress made a wink with her hand and with twinkle sparks she held a flask on her hand.
>> Drink it! << she commanded.
>> Please, I don’t wannabe a child. <<
>> Do it! Or I will turn you into a mouse, and for this spell I won’t need a magic potion. <<
>> Everything but not that, << she gasped and drank the flask empty.
Just like a good girl, thought the empress.
In front her eyes the maid becomes smaller. Her clothes expanding and her sleeves were bigger than her arms.
Satisfied she looked down to her slave who tried to rebel her.
>> Looking cute doesn’t mean to neglect your work. << the sorceress told her with a sarcasm voice. >> Clean the floor before I am leaving or I will punish you adequate your little girl’s butt. <<
>> Will you turn me into an adult again, please? << sob her maid.
>> Well … we shall see after you work. <<

At the moment, the empress had to do more important. She has to prepare to her plan getting that necklace.
When she went, she looked back to her maid. It was fun seeing turn up her sleeves and trying to brush the floor without stumble over her overlarge clothes.

_____________________

Okay, that for now the first chaptar. If I have the next ready, I will post it.
I hope you enjoyed it.
Suggestions and comments are welcomed.

Last edited by Captain Ash; 08-12-2006 at 05:53 PM.
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Unread 01-03-2006   #2
Bobbypan
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Nice story, Captain. It's good to see new stories in the forum, I hope that you and others will write even more! Can't wait for the next chapter.
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Unread 01-03-2006   #3
Captain Ash
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Thanks Bobbypan. I'm gald that you like it, however, could you maybe more precise what you liked or disliked.
I know it is quite short for the first chaptor, but I want to have some impressions.

By the way, call me Ash.

@All
You would doing my a really favor, if you could read the story and give me your opinion about it.

Last edited by Captain Ash; 01-03-2006 at 03:44 PM.
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Unread 01-03-2006   #4
Bobbypan
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Hey Ash,

One thing I like is the combination of AR and AP; I like a good mix of those in a story. You have also put more thought into your plot, which is something I don't do very well. I like to write about the transformation itself, and my plots are usually barebones. One thing I would suggest is maybe lengthening your description of the transformations a little, which is something I like to do. I like your descriptions, and for me they'd be better with just a little more meat in them. I do hope to see more soon.
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Unread 01-04-2006   #5
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Great story captain Ash, truly captivating, cant wait for the next chapter
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Unread 01-04-2006   #6
Captain Ash
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I'm glad that you like my story, Night Scream.
Don't get me wrong, I am always careful with compliments.
Could you maybe tell me what you like or dislike because I know my story isn't 100% perfekt.

================================00
So folks, here are the next two chaptars

CHAPTAR 2: Amusement before departure

That was quite amusing, thought the sorceress when she recalled the current situation. If her maid had thought that she was clever, she would have learned by now to be wise enough not trying such a pathetic drag again.

Playtime is over; drives it into her mind. Becoming really a powerless child wouldn’t be that fun at all.
The sorceress slipped in something warmer. Walking naked was nice but she had to do preparations as long as the party didn’t went off.
On her laps was a simple clothe-handbag, made for children and small enough to be covered under clothes. In this bag she kept the youth-potion, the antidote, her sandals and a rag; luckily she had a seconded one after her first was totally ripped in frazzles after turning back to adult to escape her maid’s wrath.
Unintentional her little helper comes again in mind; the empress decided to see how she was doing, there was still a little time before she had to go.

As the maid saw that her mistress entered the hall, she ran quickly to her.
>> I have done everything as you ordered, << she said in a happily voice, as she looked up to the sorceress.
>> Very well, << answered the empress dry, >> I will then go, putting my plan into action. After that you can witness a new era. <<

The sorceress was ready to leave when her maid called after her: >> Could you turn me into an adult back? <<
>> Even now you seem to enjoy your regained youth. <<
>> Actually … not. << she whispered carefully, >> Well, you see, I cannot reach many high corners when I am so small and in these too long clothes I can barely move … so I thought … maybe … <<
About those stupid excuses the empress could only chuckle.
Originally, she wanted to leave her like that a while longer, for any case until she returned back, but looking down her victim, she saws her eyes fight back her tears.
What the heck, she thought; hearing a girl crying when she returning was the last thing she wanted. Anyway, I will be an adult again when I’m back.

>> Why not! << she groaned irritated, flipped her fingers and hold an antidote on her hand.
The handmaid stretched her hands out to grab the bottle.
>> Not so fast! << she holds her maid back. >> Don’t be so impatient. Kneel down! <<
The maid did as she was said.
The Sorceress lifted her garb. Her bare feet could be seen which were soaked with the dust and the coldness of the floor.
Then she laid down one foot on the poor girl’s lips. First the maid turned her head, but then she considered the fact that she hadn’t another choice and tried to touch her feet to keep her balance.
>> Don’t touch my foot, or otherwise I will change my mind. <<
Afraid the girl fold her arms behind her back.
The liquid was running down her immaculate legs through her foot and on her soft toe just to be licked longing by the girl.

As her mistress promised she grew. The maid could fell that her loose frock fitted her body. Though the sorceress cold dusk on her toe made her feel sick, she enjoyed putting her hands on her returning breast.
Soon she was on a point she was worry about, she couldn’t balanced her growing body and fell down. This couldn’t stop the empress from nailing her down with her feet while she still was sucking her toe.
The last drops flowed faster so the maid was forces to drink everything in one shot including the dust she avoided to swallow.
This made her coughs heavily, holding her hand to her mouth.

>> I have awaited more gratefulness, letting you had a taste of my precious feet, << claimed the sorceress, >> but what was to be expected by a merely peasant girl. <<
>> Thank you, my mistress. << the hopeful answer followed.
The maid still had this dusty taste on the tip of her tongue; at least she got her young adult body back.
Having so much fun in one day is almost a crime, thought the cruelly lady, maybe I will do it soon once again.
>> Now you have stole enough from my time. << said the mistress smugly, >> Make sure attending your duty while I’m gone. <<
>>Yes, my mistress, << were the last word she heard before she vanished in a flashy glow.



CHAPTAR 3: The attempted approach

Somewhere in the woods a sudden light lit the area and the sorceress appeared. She teleported herself near the border.
It was sunset, but this place laid still in semidarkness. It was quiet and not even a tone of bird was being heard.
The sorceress looked around but nobody was to be seen, not even a gnawer. Probably the animals of the woods were still sleeping so early.
Excellent, the sorceress thought, putting her bag on the ground and took the flask. She opened the cork and mounts the mouthpiece excitingly to her lips.
Then she holds the bottle with her both hands down and hesitated for a moment.

Right, she had first so shorten her hair, as a child they would become unhandy.
For that meaningless matter the sorceress had the right spell:
>> TNAW I TROHS EB ERAWEB RIAH GONL! <<
Willingly the hair bends to comply of the magic-spell and stopped till they reached the nape of the neck.
Much better, she said to herself in mind.

Finally she drank the magic mixture.
It tasted sweet. The potions float through her throat quickly.
A strange feeling sensation encompass her body, when all a sudden her hearts began to beat harder and faster. It almost bars her from breathing.
She pushed her hands on her chest where her heart laid; massaging her breast helped to relieve a little.
Worse than that was when her body started to vibrate and then to tremble.
She didn’t feel well, but she neither could stand nor lie down.
The pain felt pleasant when she noticed that her body began to shrink. While the sorceress kneaded her breast, they become from moment to moment smaller. The garb slacked from her body that nestled her before and the morning coldness slunk into.
Now her breasts were completely flat while the trees continuously got bigger.
In an instant moment the pain was gone. The mistress felt a bit dizzy and her heart was a little excited but besides that she was fine.

The sorceress freed her hands from the long sleeves and the garb dropped down to the ground. From this moment on she was an ordinary girl. Being without her power the little girl felt strange. Everything seems bigger now and also she felt herself “insignificant”.
She starred her tiny hands.
>> I’m a girl, << she beeped.
Next she unpacks first of all her bag and put on her rag and sandals. Her garb was too big for the bag and looked for place to hide it.
Soon she found a hole in a tree. The girl had to stand on her toes to examine it precisely.
It was empty and stored the garb in the tree-hole.
For any case she also put the antidote in there; she didn’t want to risk losing or breaking the flask, so this place seemed for her a safe hiding-place.

Now the sorceress had nothing to do than to follow the path to “Jornick”, a small town where the party wanted to meet the rendezvous-point.
Forenoon she arrived the idyllic town. Carriage went through the town gate in and out, transporting hay, vegetables and other goods.
The guard on the gate eye up the little girl, but that was all what they did.
The meeting place the adventures wanted to gather was an inn; the town had three of them.
But how difficult would it be to find three men and a woman, clothed black like dark sorceresses usually do, on a table.
The first tavern was just over the street, the “Great Pig in the Barrel”.

Who made up such stupid names, the sorceress though, but if it’s on my way I can peek inside.
When the girl wanted to cross the street, as a passer-by pushed her aside the dusty road.
>> Hey! Watch out! << she shouted, but the man did not respond her, he seems to ignore her like she had never existed and disappeared in the crowd. This was one of the disadvantages of being small; the sorceress had to find out.
Her arm hurts a little from the bounce.
That was mean, she found herself talking like a girl. With the body her mind seems to react like a child self-acting.
I hope I find this necklace soon because I don’t like it being a girl any longer than necessary.

At least the girl managed to the tavern without standing others on their way.
She opened a little the door and looked through the opening. On the tables were only a few countrymen, talking and drinking their beer but not a sign of the four she was looking for.
Someone pushed her and the girl stumbled in and felt after a few steps.
The guests started to laugh. The girl get blushed and tried to get up quickly.
>> What are you doing here? << barked a voice from behind. The sorceress saw a fat man who was obviously the inn-keeper. His appearance would explain why this place was called the “Great Pig in the Barrel”.
>> I am looking for someone. << the girl spoke too fast and squeaky, she didn’t get used of her younger voice yet. The crowd started laughing again, even the fat inn-keeper who sounds like a damaged trumpet. His belly swung up and down like a barrel.
>> Who do you looking exactly? << the inn-keeper asked as he calmed down.
>> I don’t know … three men and a woman, did you have seen any of them. << asked the girl, but this time she tired to sound more seriously.
The public couldn’t bear to grin. Maybe they have drunk too much this morning.
>> Can you describe me you friends more closely? << asked the fat man.
>> No. << was the reply and again laugh the guests off.
>> So, you don’t know them, << he quipped, >> are your friends as funny as you? <<
>> Not so funny like you, piggy. << ups, did I really said that, she thought.
The looked now angry and took her arm. >> Your friends aren’t here and no one took a room for days. That’s all and now go! This isn’t a place for brats.
He pulling her to the exit and expose her to the door.
Behind she could still hear the roar of the guests, but this time she knows, that they were laughing about the inn-keeper.

Later the girl considered that it wasn’t wise to annoy the inn-keeper. The day was young and the party would come somewhere during the time.
Maybe they would go directly to this tavern that was quite near the town gate.
So she went to looking for another inn.
Hopefully she could find those party, she unlike wanted to be going through this for nothing.
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Unread 01-04-2006   #7
Night Scream
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I truly love the way this story is unfolding captian ash, keep up the great chapters
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Unread 01-06-2006   #8
Captain Ash
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The next following chaptars won't have any progressions,
but a progression in the story.^^
As you probably have noticed at my signature before,
I mad as a comfort this little animation:

Isn't she adarbale?

========================================

CHAPTAR 4: Someone else girl

The girl was sitting on a bench. The next inn was near the market place but she had to rest. All the way from the woods to the town and now the several streets and side roads she was walking the entire time … and that was exactly the problem: walking!
Usually she could teleport herself anywhere anytime in no time, but now her feet were hurting.
Into the bargain the sun was hot and above not even a single cloud was on the pale blue sky.
Summarising her progress, she have been pushed around, got a scratch on her arm by falling down several times today, got covered with dust thanks to the unpaved sandy roads and the most annoying thing, the dust even stuck beyond the woof on her rag which even tightened it by her own sweat.
Summed it all up that she neither had the necklace nor could found that damned heroes, the whole thing didn’t go well.
The sorceress thought if it was worthy to bother herself all these troubles for nothing. Being trapped in a girl’s body made her just feeling foolish and somehow frightening.
There was something, but she couldn’t get it out of her mind.
She looked down her laps; the dusk was like glued on her soft smooth skin with the sweat.
At least her short legs still looked quite attractive for a girl, was her opinion.

The heat made her thirsty and so the girl had the urge to get some drink from the fountain.
When she reached the pool, there were some pictures chiselled on the wall, probably they were telling the tale of this fountain.
The first one showed an image of an old man. At the second he discovered a sparkling fountain. Next from the picture portrayed that the old man was drinking the water. In the last one he was walking happily his way as a young man.
Under this picture story was engraved:
~ And yet, till today, it is said that this spring keep the heart still go younger ~

>> Oh, great! << she grumbled. >> A fountain of youth is the last thing I need. <<
True or not, the sorceress was too thirsty to think about that stupid tale.
After satisfying her exigency, she starred on her face that was mirrored by the water.
It was the first time she realize to be aware about her younger self.
Though she shortened her hairs till her neck, they reached the shoulders when she was shrunk down to a girl.
The wet sweat made her bright-brown hair even darker and her whole appearance was sluttish. Her cute face looked tired, so she washed it with the refreshing water.
After she cooled down her hot face, she felt better and smiled down to her watery spitting image.
Now I’m cute again, she thought cheerfully –wait! Again she acted like a kiddie.
Enough of this waste of time, she demanded herself, the rest was quit relaxing but now I have to find those jerks.

When she was headed to the market, she saw a boy hiding beyond a small statue that was standing close to a building.
>> Shhhh! << the boy fizz.
>> Don’t tell him that I’m here. << he whispered.
The girl could see that there was another boy sneaking around. On a corner she saw other children, too.
As she could rate this, they were playing hide & seek.
That could be fun, the sorceress had in mind, but with just changing the rules of her taste.
>> Hey! Do you looking for someone. << she shouted tunefully to the chaser.
The boy nodded.
The little kill-joy pointed with her finger to the hiding boy.
Quickly the chaser ran behind the statue and called: >> Gotcha! <<
>> That was unfair, << the boy protested, >> if this girl hadn’t cheated, no one could find me. <<
>> Ahh! Don’t boast here so loudly, << the girl answered bored back, >> I have found you first after all. <<
>> Who allowed you to participate? << he asked disgruntled.
>> Simple! I allowed it myself, << the girl canted.
>> Awren! Go getting your father for dinner! << a women’ voice resounds.
>> Sorry! I must fetch my drunken dad from the inn. << the chaser boy said and went off.
>> Then I will also go my way, << the gleefully girl announced.
That was the kind of fun the small empress appreciated, walking down to the market happy about her joke.
Ruined the game was funny, she thought; being a girl doesn’t mean not to be evil.
That was her old self she liked and loved.
>> Girls are stupid! << the boy cried after her.

Soon she reached the first stands after a few turns.
As to be expected, the anyway thigh sidewalks were overcrowded. Busy people were rushing from one place to another while dealers praising their goods.
Luckily the inn was next the market on a broader road people could walk easily.
I wondering what kind of silly name this tavern have, she wondered.
“To the Golden Spoon” – not very special, the girl thought, but at least the name was not ridiculous.
When she entered the inn, there were more people than the last one. The tavern had just a few windows; therefore it was dim inside.
The guests wore vesture and liveries from different lands far away, some of them had enriched embroidered coats.
I think this is it, she hoped. Among all those merchants and wayfarers a party would easily got unnoticed.
Before she could pass further into the crowd, a quit attractive waitress barred her way, holding a tablet with drinks on her left hand.
>> What have little girls lost in a place like this? << she asked.
>> I have business to do. << the girl replied.
>> Do you? That’s too bad, << the waitress said pitifully, >> but children are not allowed in here, so please leave this place. <<
>> I won’t need long; I am only looking for someone. <<
>> No excuses little girl, << the waitress packed with the free hand her arm and pulling her to the door, >> here is the exit. Come again if you are old enough. <<
>> But I have to looking for my father, << the sorceress said, remembering back the boy to fetch his drunken dad, >> please, if I can’t find him he will waste all his money again. <<
The waitress seems not to impress that and squeezed even harder her arm.
>> Ouch! That hurts! << she cried.
>> That’s the reason why we don’t want any snooping girls here, luring our customers away. << was the answer of the waitress with no regret.
A customer just entered the inn forthcoming, so the waitress hadn’t to open the door, otherwise it would have come tricky for her without a free hand.
She threw the girl back to the outside.
>> And keep outside! << she warned her.
The sorceress touched her hurting arm.
What a merciless person, she thought angrily. However, she wouldn’t try to get in again, she was too afraid of this scary bitch.
Why do they prohibit children anyway anything!

>> Hohoho, << laughed an old man next to her, sitting on a bench with a walking-stick.
>> No luck in getting in, little lady? << the old man twaddle, the sorceress punished him with an angry glaze.
>> Too bad if the own father is a boozer. << he continued blabbering, without noticing the girl’s mood.
>> Stop making fun of me, I have significant things to do. << she yelled back.
>> Quit a big temper in such a small mouth. << he runs his hand over the white beard.
>> How about a deal? I will take with you in the tavern and in exchange you will be my little niece. << he proposed.
Being with the elderly was her chance to get into the inn, but even small she didn’t want to be so na?ve to get tricked.
>> Where is the snag in it? << she asked carefully.
>> None, << he ensured, >> just doing an old man a favour for young company. <<
The doubtfully sorceress looked at the old man; he seems harmless though he couldn’t even take a step without his stick.
>> Alright, << the girl got over her, >> but we're only pretending to be related. <<
>> Of course. << the codger smile benignly.
What a strange old fogy, the sorceress thought, but as long as she could enter the inn, the other matters were unimportant for her.


____________________

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Unread 01-09-2006   #9
Night Scream
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WOnderfull new chapter captain
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Unread 01-14-2006   #10
Captain Ash
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Thank you Night Scream.^^

CHAPTER 5: Quest for the missing party

With the old man using as a ticket, they entered the semi-lighted tavern. Voices of guest clang; busy with their own conversations than to notice anyone else coming through the door.
Not far away the sorceress saw the waitress, serving some soldiers their drinks.
>> Thank you, Abigail! << one of the soldiers shouted and gave the waitress a slap on her butt when she left the table.
>> Save your temper for the Orcs, << she smirked back.
After a few steps she discovered the girl.
>> Haven’t I told you to stay outside? << she said sarcastic.
>> It is okay, she is with me. << the old man heckled.
The waitress looked both of them grimly and just went without giving a comment.

They took a two-seated table somewhere near a windowless wall; the best spot to oversight this place, the girl reasoned.
The chair was too high for the girl, so her legs dangled above the ground.

>> Any sign of your father? << the old man asked.
>> No, not yet. << the pretending niece replied.
>> I see, << he said, >> well, to judge the look of your clothes I don’t think your father would be hanging around in an inn like this, where middle-class people are doing their businesses. I assume that he would hanging around more in simple working-class inns such “The Shovels Mug” or a typically place to get drunk, “The Great Pig in the Barrel”, if you have might heard of it. <<
None of those two speakeasies comes into question, in which regular customers would notice strangers at once, the sorceress concludes, she had to wait here for the party, but what should she tell this grandpa?
>> I can see it in your face that it wasn’t for your father why you wanted to come here, don’t you? <<
The old man got her; he wasn’t so ditsy like he was looking after all.
>> Am I right? << he dig deeper. >> Why don’t you want to tell what you are really aiming for? <<
This was the time the little sorceress had quickly to make up an excuse.
>> Well, to be honest, << she said, >> I was actually wanted to offer people my services. <<
After all she looked like a poor girl; this seems to be the best answer.
>> Ahhh! A day-taller you are, working every day just for the penny. << he said in a wise understandingly manner.
The old man buys the story, lucky that I am such a convincing liar, the girl thought.
>> And what is your father doing? << came the next question.
This old codger was quite talkative, the sorceress thought annoyed.
>> I have none, << she answered, which was in fact true.
I should stay as close to the truth as possible, before he caught me with nothing but lies, were her thoughts.
>> If you ask so I have no parents at all. << the girl added. >> So you see I’m on my own. <<

>> Then in fact you are an orphan. << he said while he again runs his hand over the white beard thoughtfully.
>> That’s right, old man! << the girl replied rude.
>> Hohoho, << he laughed like a fairy tale telling grandfather would do, >> old man is quite right, since you don’t know my name and I haven’t introduced myself, yet. So just call me Uncle Ben, people are used to be know me by this name. Anyway it would also fits, since you are, of course, my niece. <<
>> Okay, Uncle Ben, << the girl said.
>> And what is your precious little name? << Uncle Ben was keen on to know.
>> Huh? … My name! << the sorceress repeated surprised.
>> You have a name, don’ you? << Ben joked.
The sorceress didn’t want to risk telling her real name, what of kind of name she should made up, matching her girls appearance: >> Misty! << she said instantly out of her voice, therefore she was used to be called mistress, this name seemed her perfect. <<
>> Misty, that is indeed a nice name, << the old man nodded, >> and a pretty brave girl too, to fending for yourself. However, that means that you are an urchin, too. <<
Me! A shabby brat, the sorceress thought appalled. The horror was written in her face, even the thought to be a one made feel her uncomfortable.
>> You see, people don’t like alley children. So straying around, they will send them for their own sake in an orphanage. <<
The little heart began beating harder like the last time she became a girl, it was the same strange feeling re-aging for years.
>> But be of no fear, as long as you are working, there will be no need for such drastically measures, << Ben soothed her.
Great! Now I have to getting sure not to be caught and send into an orphanage, the sorceress thought, but she was sure anyway that the old man was overthrowing the whole thing.
However, she should be careful.

>> Well, I see! Let’s talk about more pleasant things. << Uncle Ben recommended.
Then the old man picked the menu-card and watched it puzzled.
>> My old eyes became old, could you please come over here, my Dear, and read it for me? << the codger asked, and made a gesture to sit on his lap.
The sorceress didn’t want to; but she shouldn’t make the same mistake like in “The Great Pig in the Barrel”, where she had been kicked out and under these circumstances it was better not to screw things up and jollies the old man along.
However, it was just a low price to stay in the inn.
>> Sure, why not. << the girl said.
She took a look-around the inn to see anything about the party while walking over to Uncle Ben’s site; but she couldn’t see anything that would fit the three men and one woman description.
>> Come on my lap. << he said, lifting her on his knee. >> My dear, you are quite light-weighted for your age.

On the menu were several desserts listed.
The girl read the various names of these delicious sweets, such as plum pudding, flapjack and fruit salad; not to forget to mention the large palette of chocolate, fruit and lemon-cream cakes.
If the sorceress hadn’t known it better, an outsider would consider a girl practicing to read with her grandfather.

>> Do you want to order something? << sounds the voice of the waitress all sudden.
The sorceress just looked amazed, she didn’t notice her.
>> Well, I’m not sure. They all sound luscious. What do you think, my Dear? << Ben asked the girl.
>> Apple strudel, << she answered, >> that’s healthier for you. <<
>> Good! << the old man said. >> Two apple strudels then, please. << Ben ordered and laid his hand on the sorceress lap. >> For me and my niece. <<
The waitress just watched the girl queer.
>> You looked for you drunken father but found your Uncle. << she said ironically, and leaves the table.
The girl looked not very pleased to Ben.
>> Hohoho! << the old man laughed unconcerned. >> Don’t worry; of course you are my guest; so you don’t have to pay for it. <<
But that wasn’t the problem, the point was, the sorceress hates sweet stuff. Besides to that, she was beginning to think, what the old man was really up to, since this letch put his hands of her naked lap.
Well, she thought, if he likes it so much, then he should have his fun; maybe he could be of use for her for a further time and at the moment she needed him to stay in this place.
>> Can I sit on my own chair, Uncle? << the girl asked in a sweet tone, the old man shouldn’t get too much.
>> Of course, you can, << Ben answered, >> my old knee became tired, anyway. <<
Sure, you old liar, the sorceress thought, but I will play this game, for now.
Before she could sit properly on her chair, the waitress put two plates of apple strudel on the tabletop.
>> Thank you, Abigail my Dear. << he called her name, and off she was.
>> Always in a rush she is, isn’t she? << the old man said.
>> Yes, and strange, too. << the girl responded, but maybe she didn’t wanted to be slapped such even before, especially not from an old debauchee like him.

>> You haven’t tried your cake, yet. << Uncle Ben noticed.
I guess, I have to, she said to herself.
She tried a scooped the fork with a bit apple strudel into her mouth. All a sudden her palatine was filled with the sweet taste. Something good like this she hadn’t ate for a long time ago.
Though she hates sweets, her younger body seems to love it.
Uncle Ben said nothing. He just enjoyed watching the good appetite of his niece.

The sorceress swallowed the last bit, when a man with a dark-hood-covered robe came in.
He sat to a round table in a corner to two other persons.
The man talked something to them and unfolded his cloak and the typically sharp ears of an Elf could be seen.
Now the sorceress recognized the armour under the garment of one of the two other men that were worn by knight men. Also she could now see a magic wand, which had to be one of a magician.
An Elf, a knight and a mage, that were the three her spies told her they would gather in this inn to met Azura.

The girl stand up and approached the party, leaving Uncle Ben cold-shouldered.
Finally she found the party, after she had to lurk here so long.
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Unread 01-17-2006   #11
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Ohh the plot gets better and better each time captain
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Unread 01-21-2006   #12
GearRyu
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I took a few minutes to skim through the story. Granted, I missed a few things from such a quick look, but I do have a few comments.

I like the sorceress' character; she is clever, but as she regresses, she is also overcome by childishness and her own powerlessness.

The scene at the beginning, involving the tricking of the maid, was humorous, smart, and made me smile. To a lesser degree, this also applied to the scene when the sorceress was kicked out of the bar.

I am glad to see she is never out of characters to interact with; I like to think that character interaction is the strong suit of most stories. Characters speak to each other, and by that method, you learn more about the characters.

I do have a few points of constructive criticism. First, I have not seen any visible effects from the sorceress drinking from the Fountain of Youth. If you have not explored effects yet (perhaps her mentality?), then I recommend a slow creeping realization that she is being affected physically by it.

Furthermore, we have yet to see any of those three hero characters you mentioned at the beginning. I believe we would benefit from an occasional cut-away to our travelineg heroes.

Finally, make sure there are some scenes that let us see more into the sorceress' persona. A strong character, that we can sympathize with on some level, is more engaging. For example, Lady Clark, from "Three Musketeers" is my favorite villainess of all time because she is so despicably evil, and throughout the story, we learn enough about her to understand that she is depraved on every level; a villain that we love to hate.

Overall, I think the story is cool, and it is a pleasure to see another AR story pop up. I will be sitting down for a more thorough read sometime soon, but I certainly hope that these comments I have already provided are of some help to you.

P.S.
I notice your profile states you like "TG". I have a TG story on the TG area of the forum, if you are interested. Maybe we could throw ideas back and forth with each other.
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