My Girlfriend is the She-Hulk (Writing)

[Conker]

Hey there, guys. I've decided to create my own piece of fiction. Right now I have Part 1 finished on writing.com, and I plan on creating part 2 soon. Tell me what you think so far.
Here is the link:
http://www.writing.com/main/view_ite...he-Hulk-Part-1
I wanted to create the writing in the "choose your own story" style, but you need to pay a membership for that. I wonder if there are any other websites I can use.
By the way, don't worry if you felt this part doesn't have a whole lot of action. Part 2 will have more exciting parts.

EDIT #1: Here is part 2: My Girlfriend is the She-Hulk Part 2

[CuddleBeam]

Originally Posted by Conker

Hey there, guys. I've decided to create my own piece of fiction. Right now I have Part 1 finished on writing.com, and I plan on creating part 2 soon. Tell me what you think so far.
Here is the link:
http://www.writing.com/main/view_ite...he-Hulk-Part-1
I wanted to create the writing in the "choose your own story" style, but you need to pay a membership for that. I wonder if there are any other websites I can use.
By the way, don't worry if you felt this part doesn't have a whole lot of action. Part 2 will have more exciting parts.

If you're going for "choose your own story", I volunteer to code it into a Visual Novel game (if you're interested) for you if you get someone else to do the art. Backrounds/music wouldn't be needed, I can cover that for you, just character art would be needed.

I hope you write more!

[Conker]

Originally Posted by CuddleBeam

If you're going for "choose your own story", I volunteer to code it into a Visual Novel game (if you're interested) for you if you get someone else to do the art. Backrounds/music wouldn't be needed, I can cover that for you, just characters would be needed.

I hope you write more!

Thank you for the offer but I want to have at least part 2 finished before I even start thinking about something like that. Although that would be pretty nice to see.
What did you think of the piece? Was there anything you think that could have been done better? I literally have no idea what I am doing, so any constructive criticism would help.

[bacattack]

I've long had an idea like yours myself but never had the time or will to try to implement it.

If you want to use this story (which has some similarities to yours) as a way to learn go ahead.

I'm trying to finish a TG story that was commissioned out of me right now but once I am done with it (I am a perfectionist so I'm still struggling with revising it) I can offer some writing assistance.

[Terry19d]

Not a bad beginning, and I don't mean that to sound patronizing. I do like the way you had the main character find out about Danielle's condition, by picking up on her avoidance behavior and finally confronting her with it in a tactful manner. Personally, I don't mind that you kind of glossed over her origin; we've heard all kinds by now, and it doesn't feel necessary to go into much depth. Feels more realistic that way, to me at least, for her to be reticent at going into detail over something so personal.

I don't know how writing.com handles formatting, as one of the issues I had with reading the story was picking out where the next paragraph began in some sections, as there was no spacing or indents between paragraphs in the main body of the story, after the first few lines. Also, I did see one paragraph that had both characters speaking in the same one, and it's best to avoid that, which I believe you did in the rest of the story. But as far as story/character development, I'm interested in where you are taking this.

[Conker]

Originally Posted by bacattack

If you want to use this story (which has some similarities to yours) as a way to learn go ahead.

This is actually really good. I've never actually read it before, so this was new to me.

Originally Posted by Terry19d

Not a bad beginning, and I don't mean that to sound patronizing. I do like the way you had the main character find out about Danielle's condition, by picking up on her avoidance behavior and finally confronting her with it in a tactful manner. Personally, I don't mind that you kind of glossed over her origin; we've heard all kinds by now, and it doesn't feel necessary to go into much depth. Feels more realistic that way, to me at least, for her to be reticent at going into detail over something so personal.

I don't know how writing.com handles formatting, as one of the issues I had with reading the story was picking out where the next paragraph began in some sections, as there was no spacing or indents between paragraphs in the main body of the story, after the first few lines. Also, I did see one paragraph that had both characters speaking in the same one, and it's best to avoid that, which I believe you did in the rest of the story. But as far as story/character development, I'm interested in where you are taking this.

Thank you for the feedback. Writing.com is bad at telling you what your actual writing looks like when you are editing, so I'll keep that in mind when I write part 2.
On another note, I partially made this because I don't have $100 to spend on a custom video that may or may not wind up okay. Plus, I felt like writing a story. Killing two birds with one stone, I guess.

[Mr Wayne]

Originally Posted by Conker

Hey there, guys. I've decided to create my own piece of fiction. Right now I have Part 1 finished on writing.com, and I plan on creating part 2 soon. Tell me what you think so far.
Here is the link:
http://www.writing.com/main/view_ite...he-Hulk-Part-1
I wanted to create the writing in the "choose your own story" style, but you need to pay a membership for that. I wonder if there are any other websites I can use.
By the way, don't worry if you felt this part doesn't have a whole lot of action. Part 2 will have more exciting parts.

Not bad first piece of writing Conker. I consider myself a fan of strictly FG process but also a She-Hulk fan, which is why I am drawn to this. As long as the process details are quite thorough, such as Qzar9999's is in his story One Week at Wolf Lake, I will probably gravitate to your story as well. Cheers and best of luck on this fiction adventure.

[bacattack]

Originally Posted by CuddleBeam

If you're going for "choose your own story", I volunteer to code it into a Visual Novel game (if you're interested) for you if you get someone else to do the art. Backrounds/music wouldn't be needed, I can cover that for you, just character art would be needed.

I hope you write more!

Well, the thing is that if you wanted to make a Visual Novel game there'd have to be alternate love interests. It would be interesting, a VN based on a high school (or college) with young versions of Marvel heroines and you trying to win their hearts. :3

[Conker]

Originally Posted by bacattack

Well, the thing is that if you wanted to make a Visual Novel game there'd have to be alternate love interests. It would be interesting, a VN based on a high school (or college) with young versions of Marvel heroines and you trying to win their hearts. :3

Meh, I wouldn't go for heroines, I'd rather go for making it where you choose between girls that can grow taller, turn muscular, or turn into a werewolf or something.
So you can choose between 3 types of women, basically.
Regardless, I've been working on Part 2 and I have to say that these writings tend to get longer than I thought.

[Conker]

Part 2:
http://www.writing.com/main/view_ite...he-Hulk-Part-2