So I'm Working on a Story...

kyuven · 05-18-2013

And it's going to be quite a doozy. Here are the first three chapters, and I'd like opinions. I'm posting it here because...well, it fits (lots of Monster TFs, demon TFs, and the like. No actual furries or TG, as they aren't my bag.)
I've purpose had the TFs in this story last over a very long span of time (over a month passes and the main character doesn't even have the real physical changes yet)
It's also rather vanilla...for now.

Plot: There's this city, called the Transient City, where people, places, and things that are lost end up. It's a massive metropolis, and humans cannot exist there. Anyone who is lost, changes. Yuri is one of those people.
It's also about her brother and his search for her.
I'm also trying to address some real themes with the story, so don't go in expecting pure fetishy fun time (though it has or will have plenty of that.)

Anyway, lemme know what you folks think...

*EDIT* Revisions for Chapter 1-3 uploaded.

CNash · 05-19-2013

I very much enjoyed reading this story. You've got a knack for worldbuilding, which is far too often neglected in stories posted around these parts, and the world of Transient City is imaginative and fun to read about. Your use of Lillith and related Hebrew mythology reminded me a lot of the "Heaven & Hell" series of stories written by the Whateley authors, which in turn are based on the tabletop RPG "In Nomine".

The story almost never felt like a chore to read (though you might think about cutting down the karaoke scene), and several scenes made me laugh - Eris and Asuka's introductions, for example. I liked Kyohei's chapter breaks - sometimes with stories told from two perspectives, there's a tendency to want to "balance" the amount of time they get, but this often ends up hurting the overall story, and keeping the focus on Yuri avoids this nicely.

My one criticism - and it's a fairly minor one - is that for most of these first few chapters, Yuri is basically led around and given lots of exposition about how the world works, and doesn't begin to take a more proactive role until much later on. It's almost unavoidable in stories like this, where you need to establish your setting and characters quickly, but with detail, and I think it'll be a lot easier for the reader when later chapters are written, so that this aspect won't take up the bulk of the published story.

In conclusion: more please! :P

kyuven · 05-19-2013

Thanks! I'm just glad someone read it

Yeah I'm probably gonna excise the karaoke scene entirely. It doesn't really add anything and I honestly forgot I had it til you mentioned it. I'm also removing some of the superfluous Lilim (bringing the count down from 11 to 7, much more manageable and a more symbolic number to work with) cuz lord knows I have *enough* characters to work with already.
I'm glad you liked Eris, she's one of the more fun characters to write.
And yeah the specific world building is nearly done now that the character's role is established. Still going to be quite a bit, as the city itself is a character, but expect Yuri to grow a bit more.

kyuven · 05-26-2013

UPDATE: Revised chapters 1-3, it's the updated download above.
Now working on Chapter 4.

Crystala · 12-02-2014

Did you ever make further progress on this? I much enjoyed what you uploaded so far.

05-19-2013	#2
CNash What would you rather be? Join Date: Aug 2005 Posts: 714	Re: So I'm Working on a Story... I very much enjoyed reading this story. You've got a knack for worldbuilding, which is far too often neglected in stories posted around these parts, and the world of Transient City is imaginative and fun to read about. Your use of Lillith and related Hebrew mythology reminded me a lot of the "Heaven & Hell" series of stories written by the Whateley authors, which in turn are based on the tabletop RPG "In Nomine". The story almost never felt like a chore to read (though you might think about cutting down the karaoke scene), and several scenes made me laugh - Eris and Asuka's introductions, for example. I liked Kyohei's chapter breaks - sometimes with stories told from two perspectives, there's a tendency to want to "balance" the amount of time they get, but this often ends up hurting the overall story, and keeping the focus on Yuri avoids this nicely. My one criticism - and it's a fairly minor one - is that for most of these first few chapters, Yuri is basically led around and given lots of exposition about how the world works, and doesn't begin to take a more proactive role until much later on. It's almost unavoidable in stories like this, where you need to establish your setting and characters quickly, but with detail, and I think it'll be a lot easier for the reader when later chapters are written, so that this aspect won't take up the bulk of the published story. In conclusion: more please! :P __________________ "And the Lord said, 'Come forth and receive eternal life.' But John came fifth and won a toaster." Avatar by Geckz

05-19-2013	#3
kyuven Frequent Poster Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 350	Re: So I'm Working on a Story... Thanks! I'm just glad someone read it Yeah I'm probably gonna excise the karaoke scene entirely. It doesn't really add anything and I honestly forgot I had it til you mentioned it. I'm also removing some of the superfluous Lilim (bringing the count down from 11 to 7, much more manageable and a more symbolic number to work with) cuz lord knows I have enough characters to work with already. I'm glad you liked Eris, she's one of the more fun characters to write. And yeah the specific world building is nearly done now that the character's role is established. Still going to be quite a bit, as the city itself is a character, but expect Yuri to grow a bit more.

05-26-2013	#4
kyuven Frequent Poster Join Date: Feb 2009 Posts: 350	Re: So I'm Working on a Story... UPDATE: Revised chapters 1-3, it's the updated download above. Now working on Chapter 4.

12-02-2014	#5
Crystala Author Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: OK Posts: 34	Re: So I'm Working on a Story... Did you ever make further progress on this? I much enjoyed what you uploaded so far.