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Unread 03-21-2010   #133
godleydemon
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Re: Attribute Theft/Transfer

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Originally Posted by Max AP View Post
Interesting reading and certainly the story has a lot of potential. Certainly you need to flesh out some points but since this is more like a draft and I understand that.

One important thing that you should keep if the first person narrative. You have done well with the girl lossing the traits. Now, you should keep that first person narrative when you talk about the girl gaining them.

That way you can have two narrators and people can read from the perspective of both girls.

You are also doing well explaining the changes in the girl and of course, how those affect them. In the case of the first girl who she panics with her clothes doesn't fitting them and how lose or tight they are in some areas. The same you can do with the second girl explaining how good her clothes fit her now.

About the story, I can imagine that you started it in some point of the future since the firt girl mentions that this will be another night in which a part of her will be stolen and she also know who gets benefit from it. So that can be a nice hook to get people interested to see in which point of lost she is when you begin the story and what had happened so far.

About the transfer method, that is nice and it seems like a time period activation, so after sometime the transfer will take place without any girl influencing on it.

I wish you the best luck with your story my friend and if you need more feedback or comments once you work some more on it, I will be more than glad to help you out.

Ah! You can bet that I will be looking foward for more of your story.

Max
Thanks Max I'll get to it when I can but unfortunantly me and my wife went and split up... again... she cheated on me again so I'm done, this makes like 4 or 5 times now, lol. well I'm going to try and get to it, any help is appreciated max ^.-
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Unread 03-24-2010   #134
full metal hulk
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Re: Attribute Theft/Transfer

http://hocuspukeus.deviantart.com/ar...-LGD-158276403
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Unread 03-29-2010   #135
Janus Steel
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Re: Attribute Theft/Transfer

Hey Folks,

I've been working on this story for the last three weeks. I'm half way finished. I'm at 22,000 words. Just 23,000 short of where I plan to finish this.

I wanted to share this, I've bounced this a few times off of Max to see what he thinks. I was hoping to get some more reactions.

I have a few questions I'd like to ask though.

1. Do the character personalities change via the attribute changes like I hope.
2. Is anyone put off about the fantasy/D&D aspect in modern times
3. Any suggestions before I get to Mirlinth's revenge/discovery?
4. Any general suggestions on how to make the story better?

Thanks in advance guys and I hope you enjoy this. Its been a blast so far to right this.
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File Type: doc Rivalary 3rd person WIP3.doc (250.0 KB, 354 views)
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"One of the common failings among honorable people is a failure to appreciate how thoroughly dishonorable some other people can be, and how dangerous it is to trust them" - Thomas Sowell
"Though I am always in haste, I am never in a hurry." - John Wesley
"But it's an easy fix. One line of dialogue. 'Thank God we invented the... you know, whatever device.'" - Rob Lowe, Thank you for Smoking
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Unread 04-01-2010   #136
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Re: Attribute Theft/Transfer

well I read it and it was pretty well written. The process part of it was decently done, could of been a bit more descriptive. But all and all pretty good. But it ended on kind of a sad note. Mel really didn't deserve anything that was coming her way, and the end left me hoping Mel might some how get her just revenge for what happened. Though the story was sexy, the ending just leaves me sad. But all and all a good story bud.
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Unread 04-02-2010   #137
Janus Steel
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Re: Attribute Theft/Transfer

Actually I'm working on that portion now, well sorta, I'm stumbling through my writers block but I will finish it! **holds fist skyward triumphantly with a determined look on face** Chapter 5 and on is Mirlinth getting her just rewards on Sevikira. I was more worried with the characterization of the characters and making them strong enough people.

What parts in the process change would you have liked to see to make it better? And any other ideas you have would be helpful as well.

Thanks for the honest feed back.
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"One of the common failings among honorable people is a failure to appreciate how thoroughly dishonorable some other people can be, and how dangerous it is to trust them" - Thomas Sowell
"Though I am always in haste, I am never in a hurry." - John Wesley
"But it's an easy fix. One line of dialogue. 'Thank God we invented the... you know, whatever device.'" - Rob Lowe, Thank you for Smoking
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Unread 04-02-2010   #138
godleydemon
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Re: Attribute Theft/Transfer

Yeah no problem bud. i would try to focus equally on both of there changes, focusing just on Severika and how she feels kinda makes me wonder, how exactly is this looking on Mel? it kinda is always a sort of poof. I'm not trying to pick, but a more gradual change as the one woman's breasts deflate the others inflates. Now having it to wear one woman doesn't know the changes are happening is kind of interesting. I've seen this in other stories and almost always never liked it. You've actually managed to make me like this, because of all of the mental changes. The whole world is changing, but I'm wondering how your going to work through of how to make it that Mel finds out whats going on. I did remmember though there was a creature in that school that could see the truth. Maybe an accident? on the creatures fault that she see's Mel's true form, the Magic that keeps her from noticing wavers slightly and she's able to see there's a magic spell at works. So she tries to work it out and figures out whats going on, tells Mel, Mel kinda goes fuzzy for a second and she figures it all out. I don't know thought you could use an idea or two.
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Unread 04-02-2010   #139
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Re: Attribute Theft/Transfer

I liked the story. I didnt think I would enjoy the dragon elements, but they worked well for me. I like the theft by transfer from past growth aspect and I am interested in seeing how Loth gets hers (and more I assume) back from Sevikira. These stories have encouraged me to post my incomplete/rough draft story. It has a transfer element that is not evident at first. It actually mixes atribute theft and body swapping with a DC comic universe theme. Like you with the D&D elements, I write about what I like. To me, there just are not enough art or stories with all these various tfs.
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Unread 04-02-2010   #140
Janus Steel
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Re: Attribute Theft/Transfer

@Godley Pick away all you like. I honestly spend 6 hours a week going to various writers communities for my non erotic based fictions. So I'm more inclined to listen to anyone telling me how it sucked and how to improve than it's good. However it is nice to know when people like what I'm doing. I will see what I can do to make Mirlinth's thefts more apparent on her. I don't want to give away to much but it's a combination of Ayrios (The Ogre Mage) and her magic and Mirlinth's willfulness.

@bradbarry my desire to write in D&D came from at the time I'd just finished a 100,000 word sci-fi story and I despertly wanted to write a fantasy. I've got my webcomic the Chronicles of Loth and I've always hoped to have a multi-dimensional aspect to the world. The Comic Verse, Book Verse, Movie Verse and then Anime/Hentai verse. There in lies the issue, do I steal from Sevikira doubly as she did to Mirlinth? Do I leave Sevikira with something to be proud of? Or do I return things to as they were and maintain the status quo?

I'm interested in reading your DC inspired story. And I whole heartedly agree with you. We need more comic books that are for our perverted little minds. Perhaps we shall be the Warren Ellis, Robert Kirkman and Adam Moore of dirty smutty transformational, attribute thievery among comics.

Cheers.
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"One of the common failings among honorable people is a failure to appreciate how thoroughly dishonorable some other people can be, and how dangerous it is to trust them" - Thomas Sowell
"Though I am always in haste, I am never in a hurry." - John Wesley
"But it's an easy fix. One line of dialogue. 'Thank God we invented the... you know, whatever device.'" - Rob Lowe, Thank you for Smoking
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Unread 04-02-2010   #141
godleydemon
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Re: Attribute Theft/Transfer

the thing is Severika really over stepped her boundaries on what was morally right as any type of revenge. She needs a good kick in the ass, but I foresee Mir as being a little more forgiving and i think she would arrange it in a way to make it where Severika gets her just punishment but in the end when she learns her lesson gets a good reward for seeing the errors of her way ^.- win win, lol.
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Unread 04-07-2010   #142
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Re: Attribute Theft/Transfer

this has got to be one of my favorite stories, and there is a quite a bit of swapping and theft that goes on. written by Nomdreserv and entitle 'beach day'
http://stories.iiichan.net/stories/B.../Beach_Day.htm
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Unread 04-08-2010   #143
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Talking Re: Attribute Theft/Transfer

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Originally Posted by lalilu View Post
this has got to be one of my favorite stories, and there is a quite a bit of swapping and theft that goes on. written by Nomdreserv and entitle 'beach day'
http://stories.iiichan.net/stories/B.../Beach_Day.htm
I remember this story, it was really great to reread it. Thanks.
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"One of the common failings among honorable people is a failure to appreciate how thoroughly dishonorable some other people can be, and how dangerous it is to trust them" - Thomas Sowell
"Though I am always in haste, I am never in a hurry." - John Wesley
"But it's an easy fix. One line of dialogue. 'Thank God we invented the... you know, whatever device.'" - Rob Lowe, Thank you for Smoking
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Unread 04-08-2010   #144
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Re: Attribute Theft/Transfer

not working for me guys
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