Not a bad first story at all. Interesting plot and some fun situations. It just needs cleaned up a bit. little punctuation fixing here, a little rewording there and it would be very nice indeed.
I'm looking forward to part two. 
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In other words, there must inevitably be unholy business here, just as there will be sacred, but I cannot guarantee to tell you -or even sometimes to know- which is which... All I want now is time to enchant you.
{Clive Barker, Galilee}
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