Changes in Store (Complete)

zalabar · 01-27-2010

Definately a nice job, but... I dunno.

On the one hand, it's excellent process. The descriptions are vivid, invocative, and apt... but it feels distressingly like a snuff piece in the light of day. We go from two characters who are simply defined by the most subtle things; his shyness on the request, her 'anything once' smirk, the scene itself--all of these combine to tell a short, but weirdly compelling little story about how they got here.

And then it goes into something that feels... honestly a bit soulless. The characters lose their character, and it becomes a pimp n' ho scene. A well written, excellently visualized one... but still, a stereotyped and cliche ending... like something from an addventure author that just couldn't get it on the right beat.

Sphore, you're good at this, and don't let anything I'm blathering on about here detract from that. This is not one of your better pieces, and I think it has more to do with how the other two felt like stories, while this feels like a scene. Thanks for the free entertainment, and I hope you continue to do great work.

01-27-2010	#12
zalabar Leecher Join Date: Mar 2007 Posts: 1	Re: Changes in Store (TG Stories) Definately a nice job, but... I dunno. On the one hand, it's excellent process. The descriptions are vivid, invocative, and apt... but it feels distressingly like a snuff piece in the light of day. We go from two characters who are simply defined by the most subtle things; his shyness on the request, her 'anything once' smirk, the scene itself--all of these combine to tell a short, but weirdly compelling little story about how they got here. And then it goes into something that feels... honestly a bit soulless. The characters lose their character, and it becomes a pimp n' ho scene. A well written, excellently visualized one... but still, a stereotyped and cliche ending... like something from an addventure author that just couldn't get it on the right beat. Sphore, you're good at this, and don't let anything I'm blathering on about here detract from that. This is not one of your better pieces, and I think it has more to do with how the other two felt like stories, while this feels like a scene. Thanks for the free entertainment, and I hope you continue to do great work.