Refresh sequel: Asuka to male sequence preview.

[Apsm]

Remember the EVA fanfic where a shampoo turns Shinji female?
http://www.process-productions.com/f...ad.php?t=12719

Well I'm doing a sequel! I just need your opinion on this following excerpt, where Asuka becomes male.

Keeping in mind the shampoo is unleashing her unknown desire of being male, I need to know if Asuka's character is portrayed accurately here, so please give me some opinions...

Warning female to male TG, and nudity.

Seeing the tub was near full, she turned off the tap, and gently placed herself in. She started to scrub herself with the warm water, before pouring the water on herself to moisten her hair. She then reached out for the shampoo, and squirting the green fluid out, started to rub it in her flaming red hair. Within seconds, her scalp felt a slight burn, but she ignored it. She then submerged her head in the water to rinse. When she raised her head out though, she couldn’t help but notice that her head felt lighter than before. Raising a hand to the back of her head in curiosity, she felt around...

That was then she splashed out of the tub in surprise. With haste, she got to the sink mirror, where she got a shock. Her usually long hair was now half way up her neck! “Mein Gott!” she cried “My hair!” More horrifying, was that it still was shrinking and thinning away, until it stopped above her neck, leaving her with a boyish like cut, about neck length. She stared at herself in wide eyed bemusement. Originally she wanted to scream. How dare Shinji give her shampoo which destroyed her hair? But the more she looked at herself, the more she thought it looked...cute. Odd still, just the refreshing feel of her haircut was arousing her, and in her heart, she craved more.

She grabbed the bottle, and squirted more shampoo into her palm. “What am I doing? She thought, but the temptation was too great. She rubbed the liquid on her face and neck, before using the sink too wash it off. Looking at her reflection she saw more changes appear. Her eyes became slightly narrower, as her cheekbones shifted and jaw sharpened to an angle to match that of a young male. “My fACE” she spoke, covering her mouth, as her voice broke, due to her thickened neck. Still in shock, she looked at the reflection, seeing a red haired, but clean shaven boy in the mirror. “I” she nervously said in her new voice, which sounded deeper than Shinji’s, but still sounded soft enough not to be baritone. She stammered on “I...I look...handsome!”

Astounded at her own response, she began to worry. She wanted to keep her feminine curves, but the prospect of becoming a complete male excited her. Quickly, she searched through the bottle for an explanation of side effects. This time she found them. “Two hours?” she said, still being accustomed to her new voice, and without thinking, went “Good enough for me!” Hopping back in the bath, she then started to apply the formula to her shoulders, and felt a relieving crack, as they widened, which she would respond with a slight “Oh”. She then rubbed down her arms, and saw them lengthen. She couldn’t help but feel how strong they felt, as slight muscle bulged from them. On touch, slight hairs appeared, but didn’t go out of control. Body hair on a man was okay, but she preferred if there wasn’t too much on her. Looking at her once slender hands now grew out to strong chiselled ones.

She looked down at her ample bosom. “Ohh, do I have to?” the he-woman whined, but she couldn’t shrug the arousal. “So long my sweet” she sighed, as she applied the fluid onto her breast, and couldn’t help but forlornly stare, as her nipples retracted, and then her breasts started reducing in volume. She felt the shrinking as they went down to B-cups, then A’s, and then leaving her chest flat. But then, feeling her nipples were now unresponsive, she felt in surprise as her chest muscles tensed up and bulged to firm pectorals.

Further going lower, she felt around her middle, and within moments she felt like she was being relieved of a corset. Her narrow waist flared out, too which she cried out a relieved “Ahhh!” as her abdomen stretched, increasing her height. Looking down at her flat stomach, she saw that the early signs of abdominal muscles had formed. She went down too stroke them. They felt hard, and she felt hot just feeling the slight bumps. Standing up, and looking down at her hips, the half boy muttered sadly “I’m sorry I have to do this.” and she again squirted out the goo, caressed her posterior. Her hips, which already didn’t jut out as much with her widened waist, shrank back to allowed a slender appearance, while her other treasured asset-her ass-also deflated, becoming tight and firm.

She then sat up on the edge of the bath, and bypassed her vagina to work on her legs. She was increasingly turning herself on as fat melted off her thighs, and was replaced with strong muscle. She felt orgasmic as her now slender legs stretched out to a taller height. Her feet also grew out to match the change. Finally, slight hairs again appeared, as proof of the testosterone doing its job. She stood up, and immediately found that she was taller; maybe taller than Shinji! “Hmmm das Aussehen guten Asuka!” s/he thought, as she looked at the bishonen in the mirror. She was stunned on how much she was enjoying her now stronger form, and now her instincts were telling her to masturbate... (masturbation sequence I won't apply, just in case it's too risky here.)

...Breathing heavily, she looked at her vagina, a thought on her mind. It was nice, but what would it feel like if she had a cock? Excitedly, she grabbed the bottle, and squirting a handful of shampoo in one hand, she sloppily jammed the substance all over her baby maker, sinking her fingers into her slot just to be sure. First, she felt pressure building up inside of her. Looking down, she saw a nub of flesh slding its way out; her vaginal lips pushing out with them as a protective foreskin. His new erect penis continued to grow to her bemusement to two inches, then three, then four.

At the same time, he felt her ovaries sinking down her groin, pushing downwards through the skin out below his shaft. Finally until he found herself with a genuine scrotum, while his penis stopped to seven inches to her pleasure. “Wow I’m big!” he yelled, and grasped onto the erection “Let’s see what this baby can do!”...

[Very_Good_Karma]

I like it!

I haven't seen most of NGE, so I can't say much about how accurately Asuka is portrayed. However, I still think this is a very good FtM sequence, and they're as rare as seven-sided snowflakes.

Asuka's hesitance to mar her beauty is a bit of a speed bump, but at the same time it makes her attitude much more believable; overall I think it's a positive thing. The problem might be that it pops up and then she immediately overrules it; if you could smooth that over, so that it feels like she naturally wants to keep changing, rather than that she's just moving forward for the story's sake, that would help. She needs a clearer motivation for enjoying the transformation; Shinji seemed to enjoy it simply because his normal life is 95% suck, but Asuka to my knowledge doesn't have problems of that magnitude. (Of course, I recognize that this is just an excerpt from the story, and you might have already written that part elsewhere.)

You're really taking on a crazy-difficult task trying to follow-up a MtF with a FtM, but I think that makes it all the more awesome. My experience is that the trick to selling FtMs to a mostly heterosexual male audience is getting them to sympathize with the FtM as a male; otherwise they're stuck seeing him as a no-longer-attractive girl. You want them to want to be in the FtM's male shoes; maybe even think "Dang, he's a pretty cool guy. I'd like to be like him."

Another thing I noticed was the lack of self-infatuation typical in FtM transformations; assuming Asuka is attracted to muscular men, she didn't seem all that attracted to her own muscles. Again, your audience is gonna be mostly straight males so maybe that kinda clashes with what I said in the above paragraph, but it would be very very nice if you could pull off doing both- Asuka as a sympathetic cool guy, who also simultaneously happens to be a straight girl who's turned on by his/her own masculinity.

I absolutely loved the first story; I am definitely looking forward to seeing this sequel completed.

[Apsm]

^ Thank you for the response. Now theres some things I would like to point out.

She does have a dark spot in her past too. (OMG spoilers)

I didn't want her to be too mascular. Just maybe a slender bishonen in appearance. But she likes the idea of feeling stronger, I think could be a motivation.

[Demon-Man]

Hi....

I really like the story. I nice way to show the way she experience this rather seldome type of TF.

I am curious if you are open for Art-Story trades.
If yes....please contact me via PM....